Terrifyingly close

Beneath the bathrobe my skin is still flushed and hot from the shower. I stand at the end of the bed, watching him dry himself, chattering away to him. He nods and makes positive sounds in all the right places but when he moves around the bed and starts to unthread the belt around my waist I realise that he is maybe a not paying as much attention to my chatter as I thought he was. I grin at him as he pushes the bathrobe from my shoulders and it pools in a large black fleecy heap around my feet. I lean forward, asking, anticipating, offering a kiss but he grabs me firmly by the waist and in one swift movement tips me backwards onto the bed. There is more giggling as I try to recover and gather myself up onto my elbows but he is not having any of it. He kneels down at the end of the bed, wraps his hands around my thighs and drags me forward so that my arse is right on the edge of the bed. In only a few brief moments I have gone from cocooned in my warm dressing gown to lying exposed and open on the bed in front of him the feel of his warm breath on my cunt excitingly and terrifyingly close. I hold my breath….

***

I chose the word terrifying for a reason, because for me it is those thrilling moments of anticipation when his face is so close that I can feel his breath on me that really seem to tap into my submissive head. There is something about that moment, the intimacy, the closeness and the feelings of being very vulnerable and exposed that just work for me. More than a cock, more than fingers, he is close enough to really see my cunt, every single detail of it, he can smell me and any moment now he will be able to taste me too. You cannot be any physically closer or more intimate with my body than in this moment and it is terrifying and so wonderfully hot. When he pauses, taking his time to open me up, exploring all the delicate layers and folds of my cunt with his fingers and his eyes I will whimper and squirm. Being utterly and purposefully exposed and explored like that serves to build up those feelings of vulnerability which he has used so expertly to transform the act of cunnilingus for me into something seriously hot and thrilling.

For many years I viewed the whole thing as a bit of mystery. As a woman I had got the message that is was a sex act that I was meant to enjoy, a good lover should do this wonderful thing for you, and if they expressed an interest or desire in doing so then who was I deny them or myself this wonderful thing and yet, it was never really that wonderful. In fact my overwhelming thoughts on the subject were boredom which quickly led to feelings of confusion and conflict. What was wrong with me? Every woman wants a man to go down on her; it is in all the magazines, all the porn. It’s meant to be hot and sexy and orgasmic, not boring. In fairness to my partners I need to say that it was not their fault, it is not that they did not try, or were not good or dedicated to the task at hand, or should that be mouth? The problem was most definitely mine and it took meeting @domsigns to work out what it was.

For me to get off, for something to be hot and sexy for me it has to make me feel submissive. It has to make me feel controlled, not controlling, used not the user. I need to feel like something is being taken from me, that I am being made to do it, forced to accept it, that it is his desire not mine that motivates him (even though by doing that it is feeding my desire) I have to believe that he is the force, the decider, the driver and that I am his dirty, filthy slut. For cunnilingus to be hot for me it has to be performed as a selfish act, he has to be taking the pleasure from me.

When we first met online I can remember quite early on telling him that it was not really my thing and that if he liked it that was cool but there was no need for him to really do that for me as I didn’t get off on it. I had never had an orgasm as a result of someone going down on me. At the time I think he nodded but as with so much of our relationship I now know that it was just more information for him to store away and use when the time was right.

I can remember clearly the first time he changed my mind about oral sex. A bit like the scene above I found myself naked on the bed, legs spread and cunt exposed before I knew what was happening his mouth was on me. When I protested he paused, looked up at me and then bite my thigh before returning his mouth to my cunt. Every time he felt me relax he would trail his mouth across my cunt to the soft skin where it meets my thigh and sink his teeth in, or else dig his fingers into me until my cunt muscles literally ached for the need to have something inside me and for that he used his fingers too, rough and forceful, 2, then 3, pushing filling all the while licking at my clit until finally I came.

I once saw a tweet from a bloke on twitter in response to someone saying that going down on a woman is inherently a submissive act on the man’s part, his response was something along the lines of, not how I do it, I like to reach up into her brain with my tongue through a her cunt and I thought that was a perfect way to describe it for me. He can reach up into my brain and take my cunt from me because it is his, because I am his and there is absolutely nothing submissive about that, well not on his part anyway….