The prompt for Wicked Wednesday this week is #relax. I wrote 3 different pieces for it in an attempt to come up with something that made sense. However no matter what I did nothing seemed to turn out quite right. You see I am not relaxed. My mind is a jumbled mess and when I am like this the result is 3 pieces of writing that show two things; an attempt to describe the feeling of being relaxed and how well that works when I am not actually relaxed… and when I say relaxed I am talking about a special type of relaxation.
It is all gone. In this moment everything that I am, everything that I know is gone and yet I am more alive now than I ever knew it was possible to be. I feel empty and full all at the same time, I feel light and heavy, I feel open and closed. I feel awake and sleepy, I feel…. I think that is it you know, when he takes me to this place I am so very alive there because I have been made to feel.
Describing subspace is I have decided nearly impossible. For a start it is different for every person and secondly it just sounds so fantastical. Like some secret club that only the truly ‘special’ can get into too. I hate that message. It implies that you are just not doing it right if you don’t find subspace and that is clearly a load of bollocks. Not every time he spanks my bum do I float of too some happy fairy land inside my brain. Bloody good job too or else I would be a completely useless wreck of human jelly most of the time. Not every orgasm feels like my body is being turned inside out, not ever kiss is breathtaking and possessive, not every touch of his hand is powerful but that doesn’t mean it is not wonderful precious and welcomed. In the same vein not every scene will lead to subspace for me but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t amazing.
I am feeling rather stressed as I sit down to write this. I am behind with my work; the kids will be home for school soon. I can almost hear the clock ticking away my time I have to work on this and with each tick the pressure mounts. I need to focus.
My mind has been distracted this morning by daft people on the internet who write about the kink community in an authoritative manner because they have written an academic paper on it. I have tried to write an argument to their position on the matter but found myself going round in circles and wasting my time. They have made up their mind; my opinion is not going to change it. I have decided I have better things to do and so right now I need to settle my mind back into a place that is not agitated. I need to relax.
I have made a cup of tea and awarded myself the joy of wasting some time in the dark and dirty corridors of tumblr. As a result things have definitely improved. Of course like most people I have a myriad of different ways of relaxing and de-stressing. Tea and tumblr is just one of them. I like to read, have a bath, take a walk, watch some TV, spend time with friends, go out for dinner, snuggle in bed you get the picture right? All fairly standard tricks of the relaxation trade I suspect and in general they work beautifully but sometimes even after a bath, or a walk, or maybe a wank can make me feel more relaxed but deep down inside I can still have that little twist of tension. Not always of course but sometimes it is there, like a coiled spring, very very slowly winding itself ever tighter inside me. Some of the above activities will often soften it slightly but none of them get rid of it. To really get rid of it I need him.
That might sound slightly needy but it isn’t, it’s just the way that it is. I have tried on my own but it doesn’t work. I can’t find that place alone. I need him to drive me there. I need him to take that little knot of tension and unwind it. I need his determination, his control, his understanding, his power and his ability to see what lies beyond my protests and fight. It can be a hard one battle but even though at times it might look like I am resisting it is in fact all part of the journey of taking me there. There has to be a struggle. I have to fight and cry and moan and groan. There is often tears and anger. Sometimes there is laughter. There are cries and protests, there are twists and turns. My skin burns and stings, the pain dancing on the edge with pleasure, there is rope and cuffs, floggers and canes, knives and nails, fingers and hands. It is never the same, each time it is some different combination of the above.
Sometimes it can be as simple as an over the knee spanking but sometimes it needs to be so much more than that. We don’t indulge every weekend or on some sort of schedule it is far more organic than that but right now sitting her writing this I can feel it. That tension inside me, it has been slowly building since he was away a few weeks ago. It comes and goes but right now, today, it is big and tight and kind of angry. I am fighting the urge to reach out and pinch him or poke his shoulder, or move his computer while he away from the desk. I know it will provoke a reaction. I need that reaction. I need to be held in my place. I need the tension spanked out of me.
This weekend we are going out to a local kink club. I suspect by Sunday morning the tension will be gone. It will have been replaced with bruises, aching muscle and a version of relaxation that only ever comes after I have been taken apart by his powerful touch and then gentle and slowly put back together again. Have you ever felt so relaxed that you could float? Have you ever stood in a room full of people and laughing, talking and playing and not even known they were there? Have you ever woken from the most perfect night’s sleep and felt like you are the happiest and most loved creature on the planet? Now that is relaxation.
I am feeling very restless today. I feel tense and distracted and slightly irritable. My brain is buzzing and not really in a good way. There is more, my backs aches, I have my period. Bloody hormones! Between my thighs I have a dull ache. I want to be touched or to touch. I want to cum. I want to lay on back and spread my legs and fuck myself with my glass dildo. I want to lose myself in my body.
Actually that is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what I want right now. No, what I need because sometimes it does boil over into a need. I need darkness, I need challenging, I need release.
I want my big collar to be placed around my neck. I want cuffs and chains. I want restrains. I want to see that place where he will use me and feel the shiver of fear and excitement as he gets me ready. I want to hear my murmured words of protests as he strings up in front of a room full of people. I want to feel his fingers in the waist band of my panties as he strips them from me. I want to feel my heart beat in my chest as I wait and the rush of my breath as I try to stay calm. I want his presence behind me to be full of slow driven anticipation.
I want to hear the swish of the flogger and feel the bite of the leather as it finds my skin. I want the muscles in my arse to dance as he beats them with the armoured cane snake or the metal rod. I want to feel the heat in my skin build and burn. I want to hear him whisper into my ear words that will make me snarl and growl. I want to beg and plead for more…or less. I want it all.
I want to be driven to that place inside my head where there is only me and him; that dark place that we climb to together, where nothing else exists but us. I want to feel it. I want to be lost in it. I want to be nothing but this. I want it all, until that little curled up knot of restless tension and need is finally gone.
So there you have it, the ramblings of a submissive woman who needs her mind straightened out.
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