“So this is Christmas and what have you done?
Another year over, a new one just begun.”
~ John Lennon, Yoko Ono
I have hugely mixed feelings about Christmas this year. In the past I used to not really enjoy Christmas. I have always found the present buying part of it extremely stressful but I love the decorations and the food. Over the years things improved as the kids got older and I had someone to share it with it. But this year everything that I thought was a thing turned out to mostly be a steaming pile of fantasy bullshit. I have invested myself in a relationship that in many ways when I looked at it through critical eyes has been fairly toxic. To say I feel angry and betrayed would be pretty accurate. I gave myself so very completely to that relationship only to discover that it was not remotely what I thought it was. Sometimes I feel like an utter fool for believing it was different and we were special. Pride comes before a fall after all. But then I look and I know I gave my everything to us. Literally fucking everything, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and but still it failed.
Recently I was listening to a podcast about motivation and knowing where you should be focusing yourself and the guy said something that really resonated with me. He said that if you put your absolute all into something. You totally give it 120%, you invest your whole self in it and know for sure you couldn’t have done more or better and it still doesn’t really work out, don’t see that as a failure see that as a sign that it wasn’t because you didn’t do your best it was because you are actually meant to be doing something else. That ‘project’ wasn’t meant to be your focus, something else is. Look around you at what that is and it will probably be right there waiting for you but if not hang tight because it will soon become apparent. Now he was talking about business and finding your path but when I heard it and thought about my life today I suddenly realised that is fitted perfectly where I am right now.
I gave it my all. I know that without a doubt but in the end it turned out that wasn’t enough or more accurately even with all that it wasn’t what I was meant to be doing or where I was meant to be. It can be a tough and painful lesson especially when it comes to relationship but it also made me start to look at things in a new light and really try to focus on the opportunities this has given me.
However despite all that I still am struggling with feelings of resentment and anger about what happened between Michael and I. I trusted him and believed in him and that turned out to be hugely misplaced. That is a tough realisations and the emotions that come with it are hard to let go of especially when everything around you reminds you of it all.
Michael and I are trying really hard to adjust to our new life. For the time being he is unable to move out and we still do a lot of our work together. I remain hopeful we can find a place where we can get better at doing that but right now at Christmas everything just feels weird and off. I can’t actually be with the person I want to be with and that is making me feel a bit sad and everything feels tense and complicated with the person I am with. It is not a recipe for the happiest Christmas ever and yet despite writing all this which probably sounds like I am fucking miserable I am not going to let myself wallow in it too much. Actually writing some of this out has made me feel better.
Tomorrow we will all go to my parents with my two kids and my lovely friend @lemondrizzel101 is coming too which I am SO happy about. Tomorrow will be better I know but today just feels a little empty and lonely to be honest however once I have finished with this post I am going to make myself another cup of tea, get my book and go and sit beside my Christmas tree and read for a bit and then I might crack open my 2020 planner and do some work on that because looking into the future is definitely the best things for me to doing right now.
I realise having just read this back that this piece sounds like I am really down but I am not. I have strong emotions to deal with and work through and sometimes they are super tough and not getting to see the person I want to be with is hard but it is for now, not forever, and as Scarlett O’Hara says, “Tomorrow is another day” and writing this was hugely cathartic.
Merry Christmas perverts!