“So this is Christmas and what have you done?
Another year over, a new one just begun.”
~ John Lennon, Yoko Ono
I have hugely mixed feelings about Christmas this year. In the past I used to not really enjoy Christmas. I have always found the present buying part of it extremely stressful but I love the decorations and the food. Over the years things improved as the kids got older and I had someone to share it with it. But this year everything that I thought was a thing turned out to mostly be a steaming pile of fantasy bullshit. I have invested myself in a relationship that in many ways when I looked at it through critical eyes has been fairly toxic. To say I feel angry and betrayed would be pretty accurate. I gave myself so very completely to that relationship only to discover that it was not remotely what I thought it was. Sometimes I feel like an utter fool for believing it was different and we were special. Pride comes before a fall after all. But then I look and I know I gave my everything to us. Literally fucking everything, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and but still it failed.
Recently I was listening to a podcast about motivation and knowing where you should be focusing yourself and the guy said something that really resonated with me. He said that if you put your absolute all into something. You totally give it 120%, you invest your whole self in it and know for sure you couldn’t have done more or better and it still doesn’t really work out, don’t see that as a failure see that as a sign that it wasn’t because you didn’t do your best it was because you are actually meant to be doing something else. That ‘project’ wasn’t meant to be your focus, something else is. Look around you at what that is and it will probably be right there waiting for you but if not hang tight because it will soon become apparent. Now he was talking about business and finding your path but when I heard it and thought about my life today I suddenly realised that is fitted perfectly where I am right now.
I gave it my all. I know that without a doubt but in the end it turned out that wasn’t enough or more accurately even with all that it wasn’t what I was meant to be doing or where I was meant to be. It can be a tough and painful lesson especially when it comes to relationship but it also made me start to look at things in a new light and really try to focus on the opportunities this has given me.
However despite all that I still am struggling with feelings of resentment and anger about what happened between Michael and I. I trusted him and believed in him and that turned out to be hugely misplaced. That is a tough realisations and the emotions that come with it are hard to let go of especially when everything around you reminds you of it all.
Michael and I are trying really hard to adjust to our new life. For the time being he is unable to move out and we still do a lot of our work together. I remain hopeful we can find a place where we can get better at doing that but right now at Christmas everything just feels weird and off. I can’t actually be with the person I want to be with and that is making me feel a bit sad and everything feels tense and complicated with the person I am with. It is not a recipe for the happiest Christmas ever and yet despite writing all this which probably sounds like I am fucking miserable I am not going to let myself wallow in it too much. Actually writing some of this out has made me feel better.
Tomorrow we will all go to my parents with my two kids and my lovely friend @lemondrizzel101 is coming too which I am SO happy about. Tomorrow will be better I know but today just feels a little empty and lonely to be honest however once I have finished with this post I am going to make myself another cup of tea, get my book and go and sit beside my Christmas tree and read for a bit and then I might crack open my 2020 planner and do some work on that because looking into the future is definitely the best things for me to doing right now.
I realise having just read this back that this piece sounds like I am really down but I am not. I have strong emotions to deal with and work through and sometimes they are super tough and not getting to see the person I want to be with is hard but it is for now, not forever, and as Scarlett O’Hara says, “Tomorrow is another day” and writing this was hugely cathartic.
Merry Christmas perverts!
27 comments
Being in a similar place in many ways this post was also very helpful to me. I love the spin on what I feel was a failure actually being the wrong focus point. I am going to take and keep that thought with me to get through tomorrow. Thank you for always being so open and in some ways for being inside my head and heart and helping me feel that I am not alone. Merry Christmas, Love!
Merry Christmas to you too Chrisy. I hope you have a good day tomorrow and I am happy to have maybe helped in some small way.
Mollyx
So much resonated here for me and with me Molly. I won’t write more now but I look forward to our coffee in 2020.
In the meantime you are doing what I found enormously helpful too, that is, looking to the future and making plans.
Wishing you as good a Christmas as ig can be and so much love for 2020.
eye x
Thanks Eye and I look forward to catching up with you too
First of all I hope you have a good Christmas day with your family.
Secondly, that motivational speaker is right. Sometimes no matter what you do, it isn’t meant to be. Be that a work thing or a personal thing.
Third, yes, you sound like you have been through the ringer, which you have. And, that’s ok.
And lastly (you’re thinking thank God I know), I wish you so much joy and happiness in the future Molly, I hope by the time you are at Eroticon things have settled down for you, but if they haven’t I have a hug with your name on it (if you want it of course)
Xx
Thank you lovely and yes I would love that hug
Mollyx
The podcast you’re writing about and what he said, is exactly how I am trying to deal with my relationship with my mother. I gave it my 120% if not more and it’s still not working out. I can’t change her. I can’t change our relationship. It’s just the way it is and sometimes it means it’s best to walk away from it in that case. Funny how something business-y can be applied to human relationships too.
I’m so sorry that you have gone through this experience and still are. The road to healing probably seems impossible, though in your writing it sounds like you are already on it and you’re going to pull through this and come out on the other side as a happier person. Which isn’t really a consolation as none of this was ‘fair’. You don’t deserve this. No one does.
I hope you have a good Christmas tomorrow. It sounds like you’re able to make the best of it and I think that’s freaking incredible!
You are right about fair, it’s not remotely fucking fair mostly because I gave too many years to this and life is short but with that in mind it is time to press on
Mollyx
I am sorry to hear that things are so hard. But it does seem you have self care under control and are making the best of a situation. Merry Christmas and may next year bring you the joy you seek on a new path.
“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” Zora Neale Hurston
Oh brilliant quote Brigit, thank you
For what it is worth I love and adore you. Merry Christmas
It is worth so very much and I love you too
Hugs and love. The Holidays always seem to intensify our feelings and struggles. Sounds like you are taking it all in stride and making the best of what you can. Here’s to an amazing 2020!! ❤️
Thank you. I am getting there, slowly, but baby steps
I hope you’ll have a great day tomorrow nonetheless.
Merry Christmas ☺️
Writing is magic, if you ask me, I’m glad you have a way to get these things out.
I’m so sorry it’s been such a tough year. I know for me I don’t do well when there’s not a clear end, so I can understand the current living situation is complicated for many reasons.
May your Christmas day be as enjoyable as possible and I really hope that 2020 brings you everything you want, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and loved.
Thank you Lexi. it is complicated right now but hopefully we will work it all out
Molly
Wishing you well from afar love Wubble x
Hey stranger… hope life is good with you. Thanks for leaving this comment, it made me smile
xxx
I hope today is gentle on you, and that having a friend there will give you someone to lean on. Your year has been so hard, and I have seen that from up close. Things are bound to be difficult for a while more, but there are better times ahead, and one day you will look back on this, and realize just how strong you are, and how much stronger this has made you. We all learn lessons throughout life, and sometimes those lessons are just so fucking hard, but we do need to get through them to be able to appreciate what comes after. Love you, my friend!
Rebel xox
Hard lessons indeed but the result is definitely I am tougher and wiser
mollyx
I love this concept of things not being failures but instead meaning they weren’t right for us we should focus elsewhere. I need to remember this.
I hope you have had a lovely Christmas Day and I wish you well for 2020 x
Yes it is a powerful way of reframing things
Molly
So I’m not sure if you have read or listened to Jay Shetty but he has said this many times and it rings true throughout your post. “At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person.” It’s never easy to admit defeat but knowing when enough is enough is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I hope the new year brings you more joy and happiness. Thank you for opening up and sharing your feelings with us. ❤️
“knowing when enough is enough is the best thing you can do for yourself” So much yes to this. Getting to that point was so tough but you are right, it was a gift to myself which I needed to make
Mollyx
Only just had time to read this – and I so understand your feelings – Good luck to you and the Charmer next year. Looking forward to all you produce on your blog x
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