I went on a date on Sunday. Well maybe a date is not quite the right word for it, it was more along the lines of a hook up. I knew why I was going and so did he. The he in question was the guy I had explored my summer of swinging with over 10 years ago prior to meeting Michael. We had been chatting on and off for a few weeks now and despite having a cardinal rule, of never go back, that I have lived by for a very long time now I indulged in some out of character behaviour and decided to break that rule.
So I put on a dress, stockings and suspenders and heels and set off.
Yes I ended up staying the night and yes I most definitely got laid. More than once in fact. However I also remembered why I have that rule, never go back, because despite all that it just didn’t feel right and I have spent quite a bit time thinking about why that was. I mean it was no strings attached, which was what I wanted, it was with someone I knew and felt like I could trust, and someone whom there was a mutual attraction with. On paper it ticked all the boxes. In reality something felt off.
I have spent a while thinking about it and this is what I actually learned from my date.
- I am totally capable of having casual sex and it even being somewhat enjoyable, but for me connections with the person or people I am having sex with is really important otherwise it gets boring really quickly.
- I want to spend time with people who know me and see me, or at least want to learn those things.
- The conversations we have either side of the sex is actually really important to me.
- Intelligence, self awareness, curiosity and a sense of humour are sexy.
- Fucking without kink or an element of power exchange is not that interesting to me and for that to be present we need to really know each other and that is rarely going to happen in a casual sex hook up.
- The thoughts and opinions you have matter to me. Turns out this one is pretty important to me. What you think or believe in really matters to me. I can, up to a point be your friend, but I have no interest in sharing my body with you. I am not going to fuck you if you are pro Trump or Brexit or hold transphobic, racist, sexist, misogynistic opinions.
- I don’t want to be monogamous but I need to work out what non-monogamy looks like for me.
This is a whole new world to me at the moment. I never really expected to be free to explore like this again and I am slowly finding my feet and working out what I want and what is important to me. Whilst my date on Sunday scratched an itch (Although I now realise I wasn’t actually that itchy) in the sense of I got laid and the sex was pretty OK it also left me feeling a bit meh. However I am not sad that I went. In fact quite the opposite. Firstly if I hadn’t I would have always been wondering if there was some unfinished business between us and secondly I learned some really valuable things about me.
Working out how I want to live my life is really important but so is working out how I DON’T want to live it. Change can be scary and tough and the truth is this year has been a lot of both those things but finally now I am in a place where I feel some sense of peace with it all and despite that fact that it has been hard and sad it is time to regroup and move forward. To build a new relationship with Michael that preserves our amazing friendship and a life for me that is happy and joyous. Going on this date is all part of that journey and leads me one step closer to knowing exactly what I want and where I want to be.