Sometimes things go well and sometimes they totally wrong foot you and when they do often the best and only thing you can do is sit with it for a bit.
I went on a date this week. Woooahhhh I know right? Exciting stuff and it was. It had kinda of developed out of nowhere but I was enjoying it, a lot and looking forward to seeing if there was that spark in person. The answer was, for me at least, and I believe for him too that there was.
All good so far right?
Because I made a really rookie mistake. I concentrated too much on making sure I wasn’t promising him something I couldn’t deliver. Be clear about my other relationships, lack of time, living arrangements that I glossed over the fact this was a non-mono thing for him. A really NEW non-mono things for him and conversely the other person whom he was in a relationship with. To be fair to him he did mention it but I didn’t pay enough attention mainly because I was so convinced that I would be the one who would end up saying I wasn’t ready, or I couldn’t do this and so when 24 hours later he contacted me and said he was unable to continue because his primary partner had changed her mind about being OK with it I found myself feeling sad and disappointed.
I made myself vulnerable. I opened up and let someone in a bit. I liked him. I enjoyed our conversations. We sparked. I was excited to feel that way with someone. It all vanishing in the space of a few messages is quite frankly shit. It’s not his fault. He was honest and open all along and I have a feeling he is as disappointed as I am but none of that really helps right now when I am wondering if I am ready for any this stuff right now.
What it has highlighted for me is just how much I HATE long distance relationships with a fucking loathing passion when they are with your primary person. They are just shit. Yes you learn a lot about it each other, you have fun other ways, you learn to communicate in a way that will set you up for years to come when you are together but quite frankly when you sad and lonely for your person none of that matters one fucking bit.
I just wanted to curl up in his arms this week. I wanted so many things but most of all right now I wanted the comfort that you can only get from someone who you are intimately bonded with. I wanted to feel safe and secure and loved and then I wanted to get my brains fucked out. But I can’t and I have no idea when I will be able to and I am not sure I can make myself vulnerable with other people all the time that is the case. I am sure I will get over this. I am tired today and that is making everything feel worse than it probably is and also making me want that cuddle more than usual.
I don’t regret going on that date though. It was the right thing to do, as was talking to him and seeing where it went but I do need to be mindful of the fact that not all non-mono people find it easy and when people are very new to it, things can dramatically change and whilst that it is not a reason to make a connection with someone it is something that I need to ask them to explore more thoroughly with their partner before I engage too far. As I said, rookie mistake, lesson learned. Onwards I go, once I have fully located my brave pants again that is.