Despite the fact that I seem to share a great deal of me on this blog and various social media platforms there are still things that I am intensely private about. I try very hard not to shy away from difficult or tricky subjects but there are some things that for now remain in the shadows.
My children are one of those. You know they exist, their might even be the odd picture of them lurking on my 365 Project but I never publish their names. They are certainly relevant to whom I am as a person and I have written about being a Mother but their identities beyond yet are private. They deserve that space to make their way in the world. They have both experienced issues with other kids at their respective schools because of what their Mother does but they have, so far, dealt with them in a very mature way that makes me very proud of them. I know having a sex blogger as a Mum is not easy at times and I have done my best to educate and protect them when required.
There are other people in the shadows too, mainly family who are either unaware of my work or who find it challenging. One of those has, up until recently been my Mum, however that is slowly changing and I hope that maybe one day she might eventually write something for me to share here and it also looks like she may well turn up to Eroticon!
Apart from Michael all my other partners I have ever written about remain the shadows too. They have not consented to anything more and so if and when I do write about them they are nameless entities unidentifiable by anything I have written. Yes if (and so have) they read those pieces they will definitely know it is them but no one else would.
There are other things in the shadows though, more complex and difficult in many ways, than people. They are things that make me feel hugely vulnerable, or defensive, or scared, or ashamed or a combination of all of those things. Since I started this blog what those things are have definitely changed as I have explored myself and also challenged myself when it comes to writing about topics are difficult. For example, when I started writing I would never have written so openly and candidly about period sex. The whole idea of it would have freaked me out. I had way to much shame and fear of rejection wrapped up my experiences to be able to separate it out and write about it. Clearly that has changed, happily, for the better and now it is a subject that I am happy to tackle.
Writing fiction has also helped me to explore subjects and scenarios that I have shied away from writing about on a more personal level. Exploring those things that scare or challenge us through fiction is for many people often why we read stories but the same can often be said for the authors who wrote them. Fictional characters allow you to explore ideas, situations and fantasies without having to totally expose yourself. You get to say the words, do the things, and be the person whilst you yourself get be the director hiding back stage.
Yet there remain subjects that lurk in the shadows of me. Some of them even lurk in draft folders as pieces I have started with all good intentions but which have for some reason or other, often unexpectedly, strayed into areas that I am not ready for. It is not that I am hiding things about myself, or portraying myself as someone or something I am not, it just that there are some subjects that for a variety of different reasons I remain guarded about.
I suspect, no I hope, like the period sex and other such topics, that time will pass and things will change and I will delve into the shadows and draw out some of the things that are lurking there and shed some light on them. In the meantime though, none of them are truly out of bounds it is just not time for them yet.