Charm(er) no more

by Molly Moore
Molly's hand held up to the shower curtain for a post called charm no more

I updated my about me page last week. I didn’t publise it but just quietly made some adjustments to reflect current situations with regards to my relationships.

Firstly I wrote a little update about Michael and I. That is actually a happy thing. I like the place we come to. The companionship, the friendship. We have fun together. I will write a post about that at some point soon but my reason for writing today is not about that change but about The Charmer and I.

There is no ‘Charmer and I’ any more.

I have been pondering writing this post for a couple of weeks now and been actively trying to write it for a few days but each time I get to this bit I find myself very quickly straying into a fairly bitter rant about wasted opportunities and more years of my life invested in something that turned out to be hollow promises.

I am trying to fair to The Charmer and not paint him as a monster but the fact after all these years and all this waiting our relationship has disintegrated is down to the fact that work always comes first.

For the last 18+ months Covid has been the biggest problem or at least that is how it seemed but turns out that now there is an opportunity for us to see each other he has decided to not take it because of work. Over the last 6 – 9 months I have put up with less and less of his time. Living on breadcrumbs of attention but telling myself it was just for now, just temporary until we saw each other again and we had both agreed that the absolutely first chance we got to make that happen we would but the last couple of months it has become apparent that is not the case.

Where once I could manage because there was a promise of more the moment that promise is broken yet again I find myself realising that this relationship is not only no longer serving me in any way it is may even be actively harming me.

Long distance relationship are hard enough as it is but with no prospect of seeing the other person at all they become unbearable for me.

I don’t need someone’s attention all the time. I don’t need to be someone’s only priority but I do need to be someone’s priority sometimes. Not only do I need it but I deserve that. Living on a couple of phone calls a week that are often cut short because of work and months and months between video calls is not enough for me any more. It never really was enough but I settled because I thought it was temporary. I thought we were working towards a common goal. I thought we wanted the same thing. I don’t believe that is true any more.

He is not a bad man. I have come to realise they very rarely are but he is flawed. Again, we all are in our own ways but when it is to the extent that work comes first over absolutely everything for 12+ hours a day every single day of the week and despite you having 6 weeks holiday a year never taking any of it or not even being able to stop for 30 minutes a day to get some lunch then you have a problem that has a massive impact on the relationships in your life and that needs fixing.

At the end of the day I can’t maintain a relationship on my own. I need the other person to put in some effort and commitment and even faced with the prospect of losing me he still seems unwilling to make even the smallest change, let alone any big ones in order to try and make things work.

For now though I am leaving things there. It has been a really tough decision to get to this place and decide to step let things go for now. When you have been waiting for so long it can be easy to just keep doing so but when there is no longer any plans to see each other it is time to cut things lose. For now anyway. The door is definitely not shut. In fact it is wide open with an invitation on it. We are still talking though so maybe, hopefully, something will change and we can rescue something from all of this or maybe even eventually create something new but still good however at this point in time I will admit to not being very hopeful. UPDATE 2022: Door VERY closed. This chapter of my life is very over

I wonder if I sound a little philosophical about it all? If I do it is not because I am not sad and a little broken hearted but because I have had weeks and weeks to think and process all this. I have talked myself in and out of my decisions numerous times. I have cried and raged and spent literal hours and hours of my life thinking it all through. Apart from a couple of very good friends I have not shared it with anyone until this last week or so but whilst I have held out hope for a while now that things can be resolved it has become more and more obvious that is not the case and we have drifted further and further apart.

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16 comments

Focused and Filthy June 22, 2021 - 10:01 pm

I’m sorry to hear about this change for you Molly. You definitely deserve the time and attention even on long distance relationships. Sending you love and positive thoughts. (And group cuddles when possible)
Missy x

Reply
Molly Moore June 23, 2021 - 12:54 pm

Thank you. I look forward to the group cuddles a lot

Molly

Reply
Mx Nillin June 22, 2021 - 10:42 pm

“…I can’t maintain a relationship on my own. I need the other person to put in some effort and commitment…”

This actually became a non-negotiable for me because of very similar experiences in the past. I’m really sorry that this is how things panned out for you, though I’m glad you’re letting go it as it was not only unfulfilling but was becoming harmful as well.

And you’re right! Maybe you do reconnect again in a happier way. That happened to me actually, with Kate. Had to let go of that last year, as you recall, but we’ve since rekindled as besties-with-benefits and “date friends” of sorts, creating something that works better for us as aromantic pals who care about each other lots and like to hang out and bone but don’t want a “relationship” in the traditional sense LOL

Basically, who knows how things come back around later.

Love you and hope you are taking care!

Mx Nillin
xoxo

Reply
Molly Moore June 23, 2021 - 12:54 pm

Thanks Nillin. I am doing OK. Writing this post was actually really cathartic. As for the future, yes I think we may end finding a new pathway eventually or least I really hope we do.

Molly

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VF June 22, 2021 - 10:51 pm

Oh Molly. I hear the sadness in this post but more loudly I hear your resilience and self respect. I hope that you can find a way to connect in the future when he has his ducks a bit better in a row, but as a burn out workaholic myself, I will say this: he may have to lose almost everything before he can stop. Good that you’ve made a choice for YOU not to go down with that ship. Sending you love and good vibes xo

Reply
Molly Moore June 23, 2021 - 12:48 pm

Thanks Violet and I agree with you. Like any addiction I think you really have to hit rock bottom before you are prepared to tackle it properly. I hate that might have to be the case for him.

Molly

Reply
Cindi June 23, 2021 - 1:33 am

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but you seem to be handling it well and putting your own needs at the top of the line.

I had a similar relationship, where I felt like I was nothing more than a doll on a shelf that he took down when we felt like it.

Reply
Molly Moore June 23, 2021 - 12:46 pm

Thank you. I am sorry to hear about your relationship too. It is such a shitty place to be in

Molly

Reply
NPE June 23, 2021 - 2:45 am

Sad to hear about. Sad also that work is so central to social pressures.

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E. L. Byrne June 23, 2021 - 2:31 pm

Oh man. I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending lots of hugs and love!

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Victoria Blisse June 25, 2021 - 8:14 pm

Oh love, I felt this very much. I’m glad you found your boundaries and have acted to protect them. My similar situation has given me some self awareness and maybe self belief too. It hurt like fuck but I have learnt important things. I hope you find fun and frolicks and a relationship that is balanced in your future.

Reply
Jayden Vincente June 27, 2021 - 2:01 am

That’s so hard, but you’re right, you can’t maintain a relationship on your own and you DO deserve good things. <3

Reply
Molly Moore June 27, 2021 - 10:14 pm

Thank you x

Reply
Fajolan June 29, 2021 - 2:24 am

Hmmm. I was about to write “so sorry to hear” but that’s not true.

From here reading what you share there is one sentence that responds very strongly to what you write:

You. Can’t. Share. Someone. With. His. Addiction.

You can’t compete with addiction. It wins if the addicted doesn’t get out.

Reply
Molly Moore June 29, 2021 - 2:25 pm

Thank you very much for leaving this comment. I have done quite a bit of reading about addition and work addiction and you are absolutely right. I have never seen it said so clearly as that though and it really does hit home. Again, thank you

Molly

Reply
Fajolan June 29, 2021 - 6:19 pm

It’s all in your text. You wrote this to yourself and this message shines through.

Reply

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