Charm(er) no more

I updated my about me page last week. I didn’t publise it but just quietly made some adjustments to reflect current situations with regards to my relationships.

Firstly I wrote a little update about Michael and I. That is actually a happy thing. I like the place we come to. The companionship, the friendship. We have fun together. I will write a post about that at some point soon but my reason for writing today is not about that change but about The Charmer and I.

There isn’t really a ‘Charmer and I’ any more is the summery.

I have been pondering writing this post for a couple of weeks now and been actively trying to write it for a few days but each time I get to this bit I find myself very quickly straying into a fairly bitter rant about wasted opportunities and more years of my life invested in something that turned out to be hollow promises.

I am trying to fair to The Charmer and not paint him as a monster but the fact after all these years and all this waiting our relationship has disintegrated is down to the fact that work always comes first.

For the last 18+ months Covid has been the biggest problem or at least that is how it seemed but turns out that now there is an opportunity for us to see each other he has decided to not take it because of work. Over the last 6 – 9 months I have put up with less and less of his time. Living on breadcrumbs of attention but telling myself it was just for now, just temporary until we saw each other again and we had both agreed that the absolutely first chance we got to make that happen we would but the last couple of months it has become apparent that is not the case.

Where once I could manage because there was a promise of more the moment that promise is broken yet again I find myself realising that this relationship is not only no longer serving me in any way it is may even be actively harming me.

Long distance relationship are hard enough as it is but with no prospect of seeing the other person at all they become unbearable for me.

I don’t need someone’s attention all the time. I don’t need to be someone’s only priority but I do need to be someone’s priority sometimes. Not only do I need it but I deserve that. Living on a couple of phone calls a week that are often cut short because of work and months and months between video calls is not enough for me any more. It never really was enough but I settled because I thought it was temporary. I thought we were working towards a common goal. I thought we wanted the same thing. I don’t believe that is true any more.

He is not a bad man. I have come to realise they very rarely are but he is flawed. Again, we all are in our own ways but when it is to the extent that work comes first over absolutely everything for 12+ hours a day every single day of the week and despite you having 6 weeks holiday a year never taking any of it or not even being able to stop for 30 minutes a day to get some lunch then you have a problem that has a massive impact on the relationships in your life and that needs fixing.

The saddest thing about all of this though is that I love him. I have loved him for a very very long time, longer than I was ever able to admit and I suspect I will always love him. Even now when I sad and angry and disappointed and hurt I still love the foolish stupid man. Maybe the worst thing about all this as far as I am concerned is that seems like such a stupid waste of what could have been, of what was so perfect at one time… just because work is all consuming.

At the end of the day I can’t maintain a relationship on my own. I need the other person to put in some effort and commitment and even faced with the prospect of losing me he still seems unwilling to make even the smallest change, let alone any big ones in order to try and make things work.

For now though I am leaving things there. It has been a really tough decision to get to this place and decide to step let things go for now. When you have been waiting for so long it can be easy to just keep doing so but when there is no longer any plans to see each other it is time to cut things lose. For now anyway. The door is definitely not shut. In fact it is wide open with an invitation on it. We are still talking though so maybe, hopefully, something will change and we can rescue something from all of this or maybe even eventually create something new but still good however at this point in time I will admit to not being very hopeful.

I wonder if I sound a little philosophical about it all? If I do it is not because I am not sad and a little broken hearted but because I have had weeks and weeks to think and process all this. I have talked myself in and out of my decisions numerous times. I have cried and raged and spent literal hours and hours of my life thinking it all through. Apart from a couple of very good friends I have not shared it with anyone until this last week or so but whilst I have held out hope for a while now that things can be resolved it has become more and more obvious that is not the case and we have drifted further and further apart. Maybe one day we will find our way back to what we were but for now that relationship is on hiatus.