January 31st 2010
Is it me, or is it her? Maybe it’s the combination of the 2 of us; we really are chalk and cheese. She is a total pessimist who can turn everything and anything negative, everything is about her, and I cannot remember the last time I saw her laugh, and I mean really laugh. You know when the tears run down your cheeks and you sides hurt, in fact I am not sure she is even capable of it. She does a very good ‘snort’ of discontent, that’s for sure. She lives on her nerves, worries about the most ridiculous things and probably worse of all she has a tendency to, well, let says, bend the truth, some what. We rub each other up the wrong way. I used to be scared of her, would check with her about everything, I was terrified of upsetting her, which I seemed to be bloody good at. It’s taken a long time to escape her shadow and be me, and she hates the result I think. I do know she is ashamed to tell people that I am now a single Mummy, I mean, what must the neighbours think? For fuck sake, who gives a shit about the neighbours, this is MY life after all!
I don’t want to be 65 and be like her, I don’t want to look back and think, what if, why didn’t I do that, what have I achieved with my life, why am I lonely, where have I travelled too? Etc, etc, etc….. She is at a time in her life where she could go anywhere, she is relatively fit and healthy, yet she is stuck in a rut, she lives her life by routine. They eat the same meals on the same day of the week, she shops on the same day every week, she goes to the hairdresser once a month always on a Wednesday, they take the same 2 holiday’s every year, they have lived in the same house for over 40 years and always driven the same make of car……aaaarrrrggghhhhhh……it would send me INSANE…. Don’t get me wrong if it makes her happy, if that’s the way she likes it, then that is fine by me, but if that is the way she likes it then 1. Get on with it, be happy, and stop moaning…… and 2. Don’t expect me to live like that too…… I am free now and intend to fly!
I love her, she is my Mum after all, but fuck me she drives me NUTS and today she is coming up to see us and I know it will be a endurance and I know I will hear that ‘snort’ of disgust when I tell her my plans for Easter and I know I will be sooooo glad when she has gone home again. It is, without doubt, a love/hate relationship….or maybe is just a Mother/Daughter relationship? Whatever it is, at least I can know giggle behind my hand and think…..Oh Mum if only you really knew your daughter, now that would give your neighbours something to talk about!