Changing Labels

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Unsure

When I was young I found other girls and women attractive. I think. Well I know that some of them made me feel something but I wasn’t sure what. I also knew that I was VERY attracted to men. In fact my attraction to men was absolutely obvious to me. It was not a curiosity but a key part of my sexuality. I liked men. I knew that without a shadow of a doubt.

I was not particularly worldly-wise. Remember this was the early/mid 80’s the internet as we know it now was but a distant dream. I knew that some people where gay. My parents had both male and female gay friends. It was not treated as anything particularly shocking or different in our house. It was only other kids at school that introduced the idea that ‘being gay’ was something suspicious or weird. I was, thanks to my parents, completely sure the kids who spouted this stuff were wrong. However there was a gap in my knowledge, because I thought it was a case of either/or when it came to this subject; either straight or gay.

Definitely straight

My desire for and strong attraction to men was very obvious to me and so I set my interest in women aside. Fairly sure that it was just me being weird and confused and the best way to deal with it was to ignore it. It kind of worked to be honest. The interest never really went away but not knowing that it could be possible to explore it made it fairly easy to cast aside.

As the years went on I found my mind still straying to ‘naughty perverted’ thoughts that involved women. In the privacy of my own mind I would indulge them but I never shared them with anyone, particularly not my husband at the time.

Then along came the internet and suddenly my access to all sorts of sex related stuff went through the roof. Not just porn but erotic fiction and non-fiction that had me learning about all sorts of new exciting things including bisexuality. Of course by now I knew the term but I had never actual met a person, as far I knew, who identified as such. The internet changed that and I realised that people actually did this stuff for real.

Bi-curious

When my marriage ended I set about on a mission to explore myself sexually. After a couple of short-term shenanigans which were a lot of fun I met a very dirty man who really got on board with my mission. Not only was he the one who helped me really discover my submissive kink but he also totally embraced and encouraged my inner slut. He introduced me to swinging and when I confessed an interest but total lack of experience in women he helped me to change that.

The first girl was called Sung (pronounced like sun). She was, it turned out, far more into women than men. She quite happily sent her partner and mine from the room and spent a good hour introducing me to the delights of girl sex. In the end our partners got bored and rejoined us, which made her sigh and roll her eyes as she whispered to me that men were not really her thing. It was no surprise to me when we saw the guy she was with at the club a couple of month later that he told Sung now had a girlfriend and had dumped him.

After her we played we lots of couples and on a couple of occasions with a single girl. Not every one of those ‘dates’ where a success because you can’t match with all the people all the time but damn I was having fun finding out and lots of that fun involved exploring with other women.

Bi-sexual

By the time that relationship finished I was of the opinion that I was bi-sexual. I definitely couldn’t call myself curious anymore because my curiosity had been well and truly explored and from what I could tell the label fit.

I carried it with me into my relationship with Michael. Due to long distance start to our life together exploring with other people took a back seat as we concentrated on holding what we had together over an ocean and a 5 hour time difference. We talked about it a lot though, particularly playing with other women because that is a huge turn on for Michael as well. Once he moved here and we got married fate and luck brought us together with a truly lovely special young woman who was not only to become our great friend but also shared our bed. However she was not bi-sexual.

That was not a problem for me though because I fucking love watching and watching Michael with another woman totally and orgasm-inducingly works for me. Have I mentioned it REALLY works for me? The three of us really did have so much fun together but eventually time moved us in different directions and the sex part of that relationship came to an end. We do miss her though.

The girlfriend experience

In a bid to explore my bi-sexuality I (we) decided that finding a girlfriend for me would be a good idea. Despite Michael’s issues with jealously they do not extend to women and so he happily encouraged and even at times helped me to see who might be out there for me. After a couple of false starts I began a relationship with someone. Being with a woman was a really new thing for her and we took things fairly slowly but it was fun. Our friendship blossomed along with our physical explorations. She had a male play partner too who was happy with things and so it all seemed to work. In fact it should have been beyond perfect but as time went on I learned something new about myself. I missed Michael when I was with her and my interest in the physical side of our relationship was waning. Without even knowing I was doing it I started to distance myself from her. I will admit that I didn’t handle it well but to be absolutely honest with you I was really quite confused about what was going on. That resulted in me not communicating well with her while I tried to sort my head out. Finally I managed to get myself together enough to end it. Again I am not sure I handled it well but we are still friends so I can take heart in that.

After lots of thinking and talking with Michael I have realised that relationships with women, at this point in time anyway, hold no interest for me. I constantly felt like something was missing and it took me a lot of thinking to realise that what was missing was a man.

Heteroflexible

I am definitely attracted to women. I find their bodies sensual, beautiful and sexy. I like looking at them and I like touching them and being touched by them. I do have a type too, small, particularly height wise, slim and youngish. Michael says I am a total perve for a young girl and he might be right. They do tend to catch my eye and inspire dirty thoughts in me but mainly those thoughts are me wondering what she looks like when she is being fucked, or some variation thereof. Only rarely does my mind stray to thoughts of me actually being with her, although there is one pole dancing beauty that I once had the pleasure of that I wouldn’t say no too. I really hope that does not sound too pervy but I suspect and hope if she reads this it will make her at least smile.

The thought if having a girlfriend or something more relationship based with another woman just doesn’t really do it for me. Women are sexy and attractive but it is men that really fucking excite me. The idea of a 3way relationship definitely works for me. The FMF threesomes I have had, have all been hot and the thought of them hugely turns me on. The FM (f) (which is me watching) also does it for me too and when I was swinging playing with women within groups was also hot but somewhere in all of those mixes there is a male element which seems to be the fuel on my lust for women fire.

Do I really understand any of this? Nope, fuck knows what is going on in my head and wow has it been confusing at times. I do know it would be much easier to explore with other people if having a relationship with a woman worked for me because then Michael’s jealousy would not be a barrier, but I have tried. I really honestly tried and it just didn’t do it for me. It was nice but not ‘ohhhh nice’ and that tells me a lot. I like women physically, I am definitely physically bi-sexual but I am (mostly) emotionally heterosexual. Mostly because history shows me that within a group setting that could probably change.

I can’t find a label that really fits that, the closest seems to be heteroflexible and so for now my label swapping in this area ends here but I only have to look back to how I got here to know that this how things are for now does not mean they will be this way forever.