As queer as me

It is odd that the Food for Thought prompt this week is about Pride as I was planning on writing something related to that subject during February Photofest to go with this picture because I have been doing a lot of reading the thinking about identity and being queer So here we go…

Back in 2016 (and I actually can’t believe it was that long ago) I wrote a post called Changing Labels which was about my thoughts on my sexuality and the various labels that has come under during my life, from Unsure to Bisexual and at that time settling on Hetroflexible but to be honest it has never really felt like it fitted that well.

My sexual desires are predominantly male focused but not solely, hence feeling like hetroflexible was the right term for me but as my life has changed over this last year and the relationship I was in has ended it has given me much pause for thought around all these subjects from how I feel about being submissive, or if I even am (more on that another time) to who and what turns me on. I know I am hugely attracted to men/male presenting folks. I like dick. I like dick a LOT actually. I also know that my romantic attractions are definitely focused that way too.

Increasingly though I am realising that whilst that is all true I am actually attracted to people who are not male presenting and don’t have a dick. Those attractions are less common but when they do happen they are just as powerful and intense to me. Currently I have one very intense girl crush that started earlier last year. I have not felt such a gut punch of desire for another woman in very long time. It caught me by surprise but also contributed to me really sitting down and thinking about my sexuality and desires in that regard.

Now that I am exploring what being non-monogamous means to me it has also bought me back to this subject again as I feel more free to express my desires and experiment with other people which has inspired me to do more reading and research around this topic all of which has finally led me to a conclusion that I actually finally really feel fits me and that is; I am Queer.

I am attracted to people, that made me think I might be pansexual but that label didn’t fit because I am predominantly male leaning and that is most definitely a core part of my sexuality and what drives me to desire a person but there are exceptions and when that happens it is not just a fleeting thing. It is not a case of, oh they are sexy, but something far more intense than that and so I have come to realise that things are definitely not as clear cut for me as being heterosexual or bi-sexual. It is far more person and situation specific and it also changes and ebbs. Also my kinks are woven into it as well in ways that I think is quite complex.

I know I have a huge amount of privilege where this subject is concerned. I present to the big wide world as a cis white heterosexual woman and that allows me to move through the world in a way that other more marginalized folks don’t get to,  but for me this has been about better understanding myself and embracing my sexual self and also getting to express it and have experiences with others that feel right and good to me and have nothing to do with labels and everything to do with the fact that we click.

For me being Queer allows me to express my identity in a more fluid way, to be non-hetrosexual, bisexual, a bottom, kinky, non-monogamous, hetroromantic, femme, cis, etc is all part of my queerness. I feel like for me it is the equivalent of when you say your relationship status is complicated. I don’t have to be one thing, I don’t have to even understand all of it in detail because I am always learning and growing and evolving but by embracing it all and giving myself permission to let go of a lot of the things I have thought about myself and my sexuality I will end up being a happier person with happier partners and lovers in my life.