Once upon a time there was a girl who didn’t believe that love existed.
She watched all the movies and read all the books that showed her love and romance; Couples that fought to be together, lovers that defied society to marry, Princes finding their Princesses and Kings their Queens. Love against the odds, unlikely love, love among thieves, lost love and forbidden love. You know all the stories, you have watched and read them too but this girl grew up to believe that it was all make-believe, like mermaids and witches, love was made up by our imagination, she could not see any evidence or have any experience of anyone actually loving like that. She understood the love you felt for friends and family, she felt that too and it was lovely but the type of love you feel for another human being that literally sucks the air from your lungs and turns your stomach into butterflies, the type of love that makes humans want to scale mountains or swim oceans just to be with that person. That type of love was a mystery to her. She married a man she liked. He seemed to like her too; he never once said he loved her. She would say it to him but she gave up eventually because never hearing it said back made her realise even more than she was right, romantic love was a myth.
Of course that girl was me.
And that marriage was doomed.
But even when I was free from that relationship I still continued to believe that passionate love was portrayed in such a way to sell stories to people not because it reflected real life. I knew I had strong feelings for people, often lust and sometimes something more, affection and a sense of closeness but nothing that made my heart thump in my chest or a smile burst onto my face.
When I first met Michael online this was a topic we discussed fairly early on as I told him about my first marriage, the relationships that had come after it and how I was now at a place where I knew what I wanted but was fairly sure it didn’t exist; A loving dominant. A man who was going to hold my hand walking down the street, go to the movies with me, laugh and talk and then take me home and do unspeakably filthy things to me. He listened to my thoughts and said he understood exactly what I wanted but never once offered himself as a solution. We continued to talk as friends but gradually that changed to something sexual, then one day he suggested we have a video call. I was reluctant because I knew I was starting to have strong feelings for this man but he lived on the other side of the world and I didn’t want to find myself in a long distance relationship. I had done that before for a very short time and it had been horrible. I vowed never again. I had decided that keeping some distance between us prevented me from falling into that trap, not that I told Michael that at the time but I was also curious about this guy. I loved our conversations, he was smart and funny and the things he said to me about sex and kink and D/s made my cunt throb with longing.
So he called me and even now I can remember that moment like it was yesterday. I had seen pictures of him so I knew what he looked liked but still when his image flickered to life on my screen and he smiled at me in such a way that his whole face lit up I literally felt my chest tighten and the heat rise in my face. I fidgeted and stumbled over my words and generally made a complete twat of myself and then I had to go as I was meant to be somewhere. Of course I had been right, it was a slippery slope and I spent the rest of the day looking forward to being able to go home and maybe see him again.
I was in love.
Not only was I in love but it seemed that I had possibly discovered a version of love at first sight. It wasn’t across a crowded room and he was not a stranger, we had exchanged a lot of messages but the fitting of that knowledge together with seeing him had made something clicked inside me.
We have been married 7 years now, together coming up on 9 years and I love him even more now than I did back then or ever have. Even on days when he pisses me right the fuck off he will do something or say something and underneath my anger and annoyance I can feel that little fizz of love inside me bubbling up through it all. I might still be annoyed or cross or upset but that love for him remains as strong as ever. I never felt like that with anyone else ever before and it is the most wonderful experience ever. He has taught me what it means to love and be loved and he has shown me love in ways that I never thought possible.
He has changed me from the girl who thought passionate love was like unicorns and mermaid to someone who believes in it wholeheartedly. I don’t think we go around finding multiple loves throughout our lives, maybe I am wrong and some people do but I think that this kind of love, the kind that floors you, that makes you want to spend stupid money on a plane ticket just to get a few short hours with your person, the type of love that burrows into your soul and makes a hot happy nest there. That kind of love is amazingly precious and often times rare but that when you do find it, it changes you forever.
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