Someday I will…
Those words are ones I have often struggled with.
Sometimes I experience quite a bit of regret and even anger at some of the decisions and choices I made when I was young. I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking particularly when it comes to my first marriage. I just coasted along and in hindsight I ignored the fact that he was a dick who never ever told me that he loved me because I thought that was how it was meant to be. I really didn’t know any better. Time changed that obviously and eventually I got brave enough to leave and in many ways I am glad for that journey that bought me here to this moment and this life with Michael but there are also times when I am cross and angry at the things I gave up, at the loss of so many years, at the waste of my life and things I missed out on and so, Someday I will, can lead me to a that place and those thoughts which are not happy productive ones, but are filled with regret and often make me sad.
However having dreams is a good thing.
Michael has worked hard in trying to change my mind-set when it comes to this topic; moving me forward from those recriminations to a more positive outlook. He has encouraged me to not only think about what they might be, but also to believe that they might be possible. Some of those things are dreams that are only likely to happen if a pile of money falls from the sky, but that some of them are completely doable. Rather than dreams as such they are long terms aspirations and goals to keep in mind and find ways to work towards if possible.
It is never too late
I am not a fan of aging but one of the things I really struggle with is how time seems to keep speeding up. It feels like only yesterday I was starting over again at the age of 37 but the truth is that was 9 years ago and I can’t quite believe it. I have done so much in that time and yet there is SO very much I still want to do and as the years tick by I worry that I will run out of them and won’t have done even half of it.
Money buys time
Money can’t buy you love, or friends or happiness but it can buy you time and make life less stressful. With money you have more choices, you can go more places, see more things, spend your time working on the things that you love and which bring you joy rather than spending most of your time earning money to pay the bills. It is a life that very few of us get to lead though. It is the life of the 1% having said that I do know I am very lucky as I have managed to turn what started as a hobby into something that helps support our family. I never thought that would be the case 9+ years ago.
Growing old together
The other day we were fucking and after he came he slumped down on the bed next to me and said “I am so happy that I have you to grow old and be perverted with” Those words quite literally made me beam and almost made me cry because I feel exactly the same as him. I hate growing old but I am glad that I am doing it with him and in some ways I like the idea of us being ancient and yet still being perverts. We can sit and watch the pretty girls go by and talk about the ones we would like to undress and then we can go home and do dirty things to each other before getting an early night.
So what about, Someday I will…
live near the sea
kiss more sexy humans
be able to say I wrote a book
buy a place in Greece
get Michael the American fridge with ice maker that he yearns for
live somewhere that has an open fire.
go back to Vegas
fuck in a churchyard
I could go on and on but this is just a little glimpse of some of the things that someday I hope to get to do but really the most important thing is that I focus on the joy of life now because the past and the future can take away from today and to be honest today whilst not perfect is most definitely good.
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