by Molly Moore

12th February 2010

No, not me……I don’t do depression. I have my down days just like everyone, the tears flow sometimes or I curl up into a ball and nurse my sorry feelings for myself, then I give myself a bloody good kicking and get up and get on with life. Life is for living after all, but then I count myself as one of the lucky ones because so far in my life, (*touches wood, crosses fingers, but never legs!) I have never had depression.

It’s an illness, just like arthritis or diabetes or any other chemical imbalances, but then it’s not like those illnesses at all, is it? There is no injection to right a wrong for depression, yes, there are some drug therapies but they are only ever short-term fixes. Long term solutions are much harder to come by but like the above mentioned illnesses, depression, if left untreated, is just as debilitating, maybe even more so in fact as and it robs a person of themselves. It steals their personality, their knowledge of whom they are, their ability to be themselves, to be mothers, fathers, lovers, brothers, sisters etc. It affects their ability to concentrate, to interact with others, to work, to play, to relax, to eat, to sleep, and even to love, it reaches into the very essence of who you are and messes with it.

For those of us that have never had it, it can be rather mystifying, I mean come on now, pull your socks up and stop feeling sorry for yourself, snap out of it, what have you got to be depressed about, stop moping about and get up and get on with things……. All sound perfectly reasonable to me, but to someone with depression those words get flipped around in their head and they hear… are rubbish, you are a failure, you’re being pathetic. They may seem to respond, they may even look like they have heard and understood you, they may even agree with you and say, ‘I know you are right’, but deep down inside you probably just delivered them a full body blow!

Yesterday Alexander McQueen was found dead in his apartment in central London. He had hung himself. He was an award-winning, highly successful, designer of women’s couture clothing. He had a thriving business empire at his feet, wealth, success, a talented man, with what appears to be everything to live for. Yet the death of his Mother 11 days ago appears to have caused him to sink into a dark depression which ultimately led him to taking his own life. I can’t imagine being in that place, where death seems preferable to life, the darkness within your mind must be so totally enveloping that it shrouds everything else around you, all hope, love, and faith in who you are, gone.

Depression is ugly, crippling, destructive, damaging, and cruel, it is an invisible thief, creeping up and stealing people into the darkness. It turn successful, happy, capable, intelligent people into wastelands…….I know this because I have watched it happening before my very eyes. I have witness its power, its strength, its control, its stealth attack on someone I care about. It stole that person from me, not to death but too a place where I could no longer reach him. He fights on, and I hope that he will find his way back to himself…….unlike McQueen.


Ps….if you know someone who is depressed….reach out, you maybe a life line and if you are that someone…..tell someone, anyone, don’t let it steal you away!

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Jules February 12, 2010 - 8:06 pm

They’ve changed the name for Depression now, it’s called Bi-Polar, I hate the way they have “modernized it so it seems more acceptable, loads have come out of the woodwork saying “Oh I’m bi-polar” When the reality is, they haven’t a clue. When I got a mail saying you had done a post on Depression, I was dubious as to what you had put. But to be fair, you have done an excellent post about it for someone that has never suffered from it.

I have suffered from it on & off since I was a teen, I don’t know whether it was because of my childhood or what, but you’re right it hits me like a thief in the night. I become a recluse, go in on myself, hide away, go offline, fight it alone. I hate anyone seeing me when I suffer from it…These days I am lucky enough to understand the symptoms, I try to stay one step ahead, triple my vit c, change my diet, stop drinking, anything that will stop it’s onslaught. Sometimes I win, sometimes, I am so exhausted fighting it, I give in & let it envelope me, knowing that the sooner I let it hit me, the sooner it will eventually pass.

The doctors told me it’s a chemical inbalance in the brain, I have been on tablets in the past, Seroxat (the banned one) too, but they made me worse, infact seroxat drove me to trying to take my life. It took me 4 months of pure hell to come off it.

I’ve tried 3 times to take my life, twice before I had kids & once when I suffered from Post natal depression after my 3rd. It does take your mind, it takes your energy too, I sleep & sleep, I stop eating, can’t concentrate on anything, my short term memory goes, I continually make mistakes, forget things. Becoming addicted to a drug a few years ago doesn’t help either, the come down is a thousand times worse.

It has got better as I have got older, I try to surround myself with only positive people, positive things, I try to get rid of anything negative around me, & in the past that has meant walking out on jobs, partners, you name it. I’ve suffered from it only once in the past 2 years. A lot of friends know when i spiral too, they know I’ve pressed the self-destruct button, I know it hurts them & I know it hurts me, but I know I’m not me when I suffer from it & I know who my “true friends” are that step back & wait untill the real me returns. It’s a strain, it’s a never ending fight, it is delapidating but I won’t let it beat me. Half my problem is I get way too high, my ex used to try & level me off saying I’m too high, but never could, so when i fall, its big, it’s quick, it’s fast, it’s hard.

It may well beat me one day like it did McQueen, but I won’t go down with out a fight that’s for sure. I used to be ashamed of it, but now I accept it’s part of my life, something I have to deal with & I do deal with it, in the best way I know how. Thanks for the post Molls, I know some might see me differently now, but I don’t care, I’m me, take me or leave me lol. I prefer to laugh & love life, but these demons live in my shadow always.

Gearjammer February 13, 2010 - 2:01 am

Yeah, Jules, I look at you differently. A bit closer to me. If I already knew you better, maybe I’d say more like the sister I never had. Yeah, it comes and gets you, almost no matter what. Gladly, it’s not totally no matter what.

Never tried to take my life. I figured I wasn’t worth anything, but I knew my family was worth something, and you don’t subject people that are worth something to coming home to a dead body. However, had there been a tractor trailor or a train barreling down on me, I would not have moved.

Then, I got a much better job, and was able to successfully pretend that I was not depressed for 8 years. Looking back, I’m sort of proud, in a twisted way, that I was able to “white knuckle it” for that long. Then, a couple of years ago, there came along some people who actually talked TO me, not at me. They appeared to think that I was actually worth something. One of them is Molly.

Helping is not the only solution, nor is it the whole solution, but it is a vital part of the solution and without it, diet, medicine, and whatever else are not a whole solution, either.

So, this is my public thank you to Molly, who has done more for me than I think she will ever understand. We only children stick together, it seems. Also, not to forget Venus, who also stuck with me as a friend even when she wasn’t sure just what in the hell was going on. I am a lucky man. Most people don’t get friends like these, because they won’t stick when the person with depression gets weird and acts irrationally. These friends stuck with me, and I am forever thankful.

Livi May 2, 2011 - 3:24 pm

Molly that is an incredible post. Thanks for linking it up. You have such an amazing way with words, always so expressive. *grabs tissues*


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