24th February 2011
Here goes with some cherry popping. This is my first contribution to ‘The Writing Workshop’ which is a feature of Josie’s blog, Sleep Is For The Weak. (Not an erotic or adult site but I place I visit often. She is a talented writer, blogger, photographer and single Mummy) I have followed the writing workshop for a while but a combination of writer’s block, prompts that didn’t inspire me and my own self doubt have kept me from actually joining in, that is until now. This week’s theme is “I Believe”. After reading Josie’s ‘prompts to get you thinking’ I sat back to let my brain have a little wander around the subject. What is it that I believe?
The funny thing is, right now in my life, belief is actually a massive part of my every day existence. Belief that it will all turn out all right, belief that we will actually finally get past all the hurdles and be together, belief in the system that will allow us to achieve this, belief in our own abilities to get through the long aching agony of separation and probably most of all belief that he really does love me and wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with him. You see, right now, belief is all I really have, if I didn’t believe that all this stuff was going to work out then what would be the point of carrying on, of waiting, of living like this?
For those of you who don’t know, my Sir and I are currently living apart, he is in the USA and I am in the UK. We met online, fell in love, decided to meet, and as they say, the rest is history. (In fact the rest is a very long story told throughout this blog, with more yet to be written) So here we are, apart, desperately longing to be together, missing each other like hell and doing the best we can to live through it. Its hard work on both of us, and right now it’s super tough as we wait for some important things to fall into place, things which are pretty much out of our control too, so that we can then make the brave step forward to finally being together.
So you see my life is surrounded by beliefs, even though I have days when I really struggle to believe. It’s not that my belief in Him, or me, or us is doubted it’s more my belief in the system, in the pieces falling into place that seem to cause me most trouble. It is those beliefs that often elude me. The frustrations of waiting bubble to the surface and I find myself getting cross with the ‘system’ that holds us back. I want to make demanding phone calls, pursue people to make decisions, fast track bits of paper work, but I can’t. All of which leaves me with a terrible feeling of impotency.
He is better at believing than I am. He has an assured determination that enables Him to truly believe that “it will all be OK” as he regularly tells me and I know he is right. I believe Him. What I have the hardest time believing is the dream. You see to me, the thought of us living out the rest of our lives together, side by side, hand in hand, feels like an amazing dream…… I guess what I find hardest to believe is that dreams really can come true.