It is not an easy question in my opinion. Do you mean now or in life in general. Do you mean sexually or relationship wise. Do you mean professionally or financially. Of course in the prompt I said quite clearly pick your topics, make of the question what you will. When I wrote this prompt for Revelations back in 2022 I think I probably thought it would inspire another piece in the, I want… series but now that it is here I find my mind taking another route.
It can be really easy to end up focusing on all the things you don’t have rather than all the things you do have. If you spend your days and night wanting, then the risk is you stop seeing all the joys you already have, you stop enjoying them and appreciating them because all you focus on is what you don’t have. It can be such a negative mindset to fall into and one I know I have battled with in the past.
Being grateful for the days I have and the life I am privileged to lead has really helped me to navigate some of the tough parts of the last few years. It has not always been easy to do but I have actively worked at it, especially over the last year or so and as a result have got better at it. That in turn has bought me a sense of contentment and happiness that in turn has given me a feeling of peace and calmness. Focusing on what I have, on the good in every day even when it’s an utterly shit day is the key to me being happy.
Every night I write a sentence in my 5 year Diary. There is a space for a few lines for each day for 5 years. I am on my second year and so am starting to be able to look back on things that happened this time last year or thoughts I had. It is interesting to see how things have changed or what happened on this day last year. Looking back can sometimes remind me of sad things but often it reminds me of happy things. The first time Michael and I had sex last year, the journey back to our kink life and exploring that stuff together but also small things like buying a new dress or which day I first bought daffodils that year.
One of the other things I do every day now is, on my Instagram, not the one linked to my website but the one in my real name. I posted a story at the end of every day with a picture and I write 5 positives from my day. Sometimes I even have to really think to find 5 things but I have found that process of sitting there, going back through my day and searching for the moments when I smiled, or felt love, or pleasure or pleased with something can totally shift my mood. Even on days which have been less than ideal doing this one small thing helps me to shift away from the negative and look at the positives even if I have to search for them, even if they are small things like the dog falling asleep with his head in my lap or Michael making pancakes for breakfast, or I cleaned the bathroom or saw a bumblebee. Those things might seem small, maybe even inconsequential but I have come to realise that we let them pass by at our peril because they are actually massive, they are actually the key to happiness.
But what of wants? Well I definitely still have them. It would be weird not to I think. So what do I want?
Spring time to come and the daffodils to bloom
Some warm days and eventually some warm nights too
Trips to the car boot and breakfast at Dizzi’s afterwards
A red polka dot dress I saw on Shein (yes I know, not ethical shopping)
To go to Greece again
To see my step Grandchildren
Gel Nail kit
More time to read
Start a women’s supper club
People to pay me to take their picture
Go to the seaside
Make me bleed
And another day
Desire for something is natural and good. It helps us plan and aspire and reach and explore. It gives us things to strive for and things to look forward to. Just the key for me is to not let the wants cloud the haves. To always look around at the here and now and even when it’s not perfect, even when it’s utter shit, to still strive something good and happy in it. I am not always great at it but it is something I am hugely conscious of and since changing my mindset and it has bought me a sense of peace and contentment that I am not sure I ever experienced in my life before.