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BDSM Rules, rituals and protocols. I feel like just writing, fuck no but that doesn’t really tackle the subject at all does it? So here goes, but prefaced with a big old disclaimer that this is written in the spirit of your kink is not my kink but your kink is OK. Any scathing tone to this piece is about protocols within MY kink relationships, not yours…

I am never going to kneel by the bed at night and wait for you to invite me in. It my fucking bed as much as yours. In fact right now it is MY bed and if anyone is asking for permission to get into it, well let’s just say it is definitely not me.

Funny thing is, having written my mind is now drifting to the thought of a man kneeling by my bed, naked, waiting, like a good boy should, for his invitation.

I am not going to ask you if I can have a wank, or go to the bathroom, or wear certain clothes or spend my money, or go and see my friends. Some of those things we might talk about because that is part of being a relationship with someone but asking for permission is not going to happen. I don’t need your permission nor do I want it.

I am not going to wear a collar or call you Sir or Master. That doesn’t mean I won’t call you names though. Make of that what you will.

The flip side, I think I would want you to call me Miss, when you kneel by the bed and wait for me or when I fasten the collar round your neck or the cuffs around your wrists. Yes, I would like it if you called me Miss.

The Charmer and I don’t have a D/s relationship. Even though it might look a bit like one at times there are no titles or rules and no formality or protocol. Earlier this year I wrote about our kink dynamic and in that piece I said

“..we are both super leery of formal D/s structures and relationships and so we have actively avoided calling what we are that. Maybe it is really just semantics but it feels like more than that as there are traditional elements of D/s that we neither of want. Yes he is sexually dominant and I am sexually submissive (with him. I am discovering that I have a dominant side too but I can’t switch with the same person. Again another post on this at some point) but he is not A Dom and I am not A sub, we are just two filthy perverts whose kinks fit together perfectly.”

The Gentleman and I are still learning each other but he too is definitely sexually dominant and that suits my sexually submissive desires oh so perfectly. I did find myself nearly calling him Sir at one point. It took me a bit by surprise to be honest as that word is fairly loaded for me now but I think his behaviour just tapped into that side of me in a very natural way. When I told him he said he was flattered but he didn’t want that. He knew of it’s history. I had not been shy in telling him that I had no interest in ever calling any man that again.

“We will, in time, find our own words that mean something to us” was his response. He judged it perfectly to be honest, because I don’t want to call him that. It would have soured on tongue very very quickly.

MJ and I, well Covid has not been kind to us this year and so that is a relationship that is very much alive but also mostly unexplored in person but we are both kinky fuckers and it would seem that he has a tendency towards being dominant and well, we all know that works for me.

I like that all these relationships have a fluidity to them. There is no need for rules or protocol. It is about discovering, being playful, filthy, kinky. It is about exploring that together and what it means for us. What things work and what don’t. No one needs to be called Sir or have me asking them for permission to do things, those formal aspects of D/s are not needed here by any of us.

But what if you flip the coin. What if I am the one in charge?

Well I think I want you to call me Miss and I think that there maybe some BDSM rules and I would definitely expect some deference from you. You don’t get called a good boy for just showing up you know. You, whoever you might be, are going to have earn it.

I have still not really got to explore my dominant side very much but the taster I did have. Well let’s just say I would like to return and taste some more.

When I started this post I actually thought the tone was going to way more negative about this subject. I know my past D/s relationship has left me fairly jaded towards certain aspects of formal D/s especially BDSM rules that are every day things, like asking for permission to do something like have a wank, just rub me up the wrong way now. No one is really to blame for this. People change and communicating those shifts can be difficult which can lead to issues but I can’t ever see me wanting that type of structure with anyone in the future, well not with me as the sub that is, because writing this has made me realise that if I was the one in the dom role and my partner was open to such structure then I think that could work for me too. That realisation has definitely soften my views on BDSM rules and protocols and led to this post having a different tone to it than I expected when I first started typing. Funny how writing something out can often lead you to a self discovery.

As to the image on this post. It is an old one that I never posted before and seemed to fit the topic but the chances of you catching me in a collar today are pretty slim. Although having said that this is one that I might still be tempted to wear on the right occasion. As the title of the post says, BDSM rules, BDSM protocol and rules do not!

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  • Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker, Director of Operations @Eroticon Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

  • Show Comments (4)

  • violet fawkes

    I really relate to having not so great feelings and evolving feelings about D/s. I have sworn off of it and I’m always lured back. I have had relationships on both sides of the slash and I still don’t know “what” I am. It’s such an adventure.

  • Bee

    I’m not big on titles, never have been to be honest, I just though it was what you’re supposed to do. I did have the experience of someone else using titles with him indoors and I’m happy if it’s what he’s happy with.

    As for someone else using deferential titles, nope, never going to happen! I’ll just stick to being their slut.

  • David Mei

    A year after we started we made a formal contract. Then I stepped all over her PTSD buttons and had my own mental issues.

    Now we are an interesting pair. I’m hers and she is mine.

    She serves me in subtle ways as I serve her. In the bedroom I lead. Outside we are partners and learning. I am learning how to guide and lead a brat who does not like commands.

    She is helping me relearn who I am.

    Times change and we change as well.

    I love how you describe what I have learned. Your D/s is not my D/s and that’s ok.

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