Did you watch SexBox on Channel 4 on Monday night? (apologies for my USA readers as I suspect you have to be in the UK to view it) If you want to read a full and in my opinion excellent review of the show then check out: Review: SexBox
However my reason for mentioning it is orgasms. On the whole the show was actually nowhere near as bad I had feared it was going to be but the one thing that I really hated was the implication from one of the panel members, with reference to the gay couple, that the partner that didn’t orgasm didn’t actually ‘have sex’. The gentlemen in question had given his partner an orgasm and appeared to be rather smiley and floaty about it too. What a wonderful experience and yet the panel member clearly seemed to be of the opinion that he had, in some way, had a lesser experience than his partner because he didn’t orgasm.
Really? I have been pondering this thought for a few days now which has finally led to me writing this piece.
I hate the implication that ‘good sex’ is defined by orgasms. For me good sex may result in orgasms for me, my partner or both, but it is not the defining factor. I have had truly amazing sex that has not included an orgasm. It was no lesser of an experience because of that. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE orgasms, and would never claim otherwise but for me sex is a more than just that moment, it is bigger than that. It is journey which doesn’t necessarily start with you taking your clothes off either. It can take hours, sometimes days (or even mere moments) to build up that little buzz of longing that sparks off a sexual encounter and in my opinion that is as much part of sex as the actual physical moments. If we solely focus on orgasms then we are losing that whole journey, the intimacy, the exploration, the learning, the excitement, the discovery of ourselves and our partners. It is those things that make for good sex and the happy by-product of that is orgasms, not the other way around. If the focus of sex and the measure of good sex is purely on orgasms then I truly believe something very special and precious about sex as an intimate act between people is at risk of being lost.
By focusing on the goal of orgasm then you completely lose any joy or love of the process of giving pleasure. If orgasm is the key then why would we take a bath with someone, massage them, stroke their back, spank them, gag them and so on. If you are only all about the orgasm then all this other stuff, that turns you on but doesn’t actually achieve that moment of orgasm then what is the point? You might as well just dive straight for the cock or clit and get to work. In fact if all you want is an orgasm you might as well just have a wank.
Giving someone pleasure, turning them on and yes giving them an orgasm is a truly wonderful thing and should never make your own experience any less because you didn’t orgasm. I love to suck his cock, enjoying the whole process, the taste, the smell, the sound and his pleasure. When he cums I am giving him pleasure, gifting him that moment and I enjoy his pleasure just as much as he does. My experience is not less because I didn’t orgasm. Suggesting that I did not have a sexual experience or a good time because I didn’t cum, which was what happened in the program is, in my opinion, wrong.
I truly believe that good sex is about way more than orgasms, it is about the complete experience to that moment, whether it takes minutes, hours or even days. By focusing on orgasms as the benchmark and the ultimate goal, there is a real danger that sex becomes all about that moment rather than all the contributing factors that lead to that moment and completely ignores the wondrous joy of giving your partner(s) pleasure. All of which for me is the key to good sex AND orgasms.
So what about you? Do you think good sex is about orgasms? Do you get just as pleasure from giving them as receiving them? Do you think there is a difference between and men and women on this subject? Does sex without orgasm always mean you have had a lesser experience? Whatever your thoughts on the subject I would love to hear them.
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