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More Than Just Orgasms

Molly's mouth

Did you watch SexBox on Channel 4 on Monday night? (apologies for my USA readers as I suspect you have to be in the UK to view it) If you want to read a full and in my opinion excellent review of the show then check out: Review: SexBox

However my reason for mentioning it is orgasms. On the whole the show was actually nowhere near as bad I had feared it was going to be but the one thing that I really hated was the implication from one of the panel members, with reference to the gay couple, that the partner that didn’t orgasm didn’t actually ‘have sex’. The gentlemen in question had given his partner an orgasm and appeared to be rather smiley and floaty about it too. What a wonderful experience and yet the panel member clearly seemed to be of the opinion that he had, in some way, had a lesser experience than his partner because he didn’t orgasm.

Really? I have been pondering this thought for a few days now which has finally led to me writing this piece.

I hate the implication that ‘good sex’ is defined by orgasms. For me good sex may result in orgasms for me, my partner or both, but it is not the defining factor. I have had truly amazing sex that has not included an orgasm. It was no lesser of an experience because of that. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE orgasms, and would never claim otherwise but for me sex is a more than just that moment, it is bigger than that. It is journey which doesn’t necessarily start with you taking your clothes off either. It can take hours, sometimes days (or even mere moments) to build up that little buzz of longing that sparks off a sexual encounter and in my opinion that is as much part of sex as the actual physical moments. If we solely focus on orgasms then we are losing that whole journey, the intimacy, the exploration, the learning, the excitement, the discovery of ourselves and our partners. It is those things that make for good sex and the happy by-product of that is orgasms, not the other way around. If the focus of sex and the measure of good sex is purely on orgasms then I truly believe something very special and precious about sex as an intimate act between people is at risk of being lost.

By focusing on the goal of orgasm then you completely lose any joy or love of the process of giving pleasure. If orgasm is the key then why would we take a bath with someone, massage them, stroke their back, spank them, gag them and so on. If you are only all about the orgasm then all this other stuff, that turns you on but doesn’t actually achieve that moment of orgasm then what is the point? You might as well just dive straight for the cock or clit and get to work. In fact if all you want is an orgasm you might as well just have a wank.

Giving someone pleasure, turning them on and yes giving them an orgasm is a truly wonderful thing and should never make your own experience any less because you didn’t orgasm. I love to suck his cock, enjoying the whole process, the taste, the smell, the sound and his pleasure. When he cums I am giving him pleasure, gifting him that moment and I enjoy his pleasure just as much as he does. My experience is not less because I didn’t orgasm. Suggesting that I did not have a sexual experience or a good time because I didn’t cum, which was what happened in the program is, in my opinion, wrong.

I truly believe that good sex is about way more than orgasms, it is about the complete experience to that moment, whether it takes minutes, hours or even days. By focusing on orgasms as the benchmark and the ultimate goal, there is a real danger that sex becomes all about that moment rather than all the contributing factors that lead to that moment and completely ignores the wondrous joy of giving your partner(s) pleasure. All of which for me is the key to good sex AND orgasms.

Molly's mouth


So what about you? Do you think good sex is about orgasms? Do you get just as pleasure from giving them as receiving them? Do you think there is a difference between and men and women on this subject? Does sex without orgasm always mean you have had a lesser experience? Whatever your thoughts on the subject I would love to hear them.


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  • Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker, Director of Operations @Eroticon Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

  • Show Comments (22)

  • hispreciouspet

    I totally agree with you. What a well written post!!! The fun of the adventure is the journey. And the more “stories” to tell along the route make getting to the destination much, MUCH more enjoyable. Yes?

  • hispreciouspet

    I tried to link your post up from my blog. Hope I did it right?

    • mollyskiss

      You did it perfectly and thank you for the linky love and your comment


  • Lord Raven

    I saw all the tweets on the program and must admit I felt left out…lol
    Seriously though sex in my opinion is not defined by the orgasm but by the depth of the connection. I have been refereed to as a sexual vampire at times and not getting my “feeding” from just cumming. Deep passionate dark sex it what I crave, fortunately I have an awesome partner for that now.
    Now if you will excuse me I have a ear to growl low in till she falls weak to my sexual prowess

    • mollyskiss

      I love this comment but then you know full well I am attracted to “Deep passionate dark sex “. Having a partner who responds to that is a wonderful thing


  • Sassycat

    I think great sex, good sex is what a person makes of it. Not just the orgasm, that’s only a part of it. There is emotion connection that makes sex great or maybe like me, I just desire the feeling and sensation of a thick cock in between my legs, skin against skin. I don’t have an orgasm and the sex is still just as good or great because it fulfilled my need.

  • patrick

    I’ve never climaxed during actual sex- only through masturbation. But I still enjoy it. When I eventually get it. But I do find it easier to make a woman climax than I do to climax myself. This may have something to do with the vast amount of porn I’ve watched though… I often thought I’d failed if I couldn’t make the woman come and I also felt that thegirl must be disappointed if I didn’t. But I’m realising that it isn’t the sole thing to grade a sexual experience on. Some experiences have been warm and enjoyable and memorable regardless.

  • luv2sex.info

    Yes, I agree with you that sex is more than just orgasm. Sex is not just a physical act that only happens in bed.

  • Marie Rebelle

    I totally share your views on this. Good sex is not about orgasms, good sex is about so much more. I love my orgasms, especially those huge, all consuming ones, but I can be just as happy when I had one or two smaller ones and Master T has had an orgasm. Even when only He has had an orgasm, I can be happy about it. But the other way around is true too. Sometimes we play for hours and I have a lot of orgasms and He is content to just hold me in His arms and us both fall asleep. Our sex is not less enjoyable because one of us has not reached an orgasm.

    Great post!

    Rebel xox

  • Bad Kitty Erotica

    The focus on the orgasm as the only criterion for good sex is narrow minded, selfish and mistaken. If shooting your load is all that matters then stock up on Tenga eggs, vibrators, lube and Kleenex, wank yourself stupid out of our way and let the rest of us get on with enjoying sex.

    There are times when a quickie is all you desire (although for this Kitty a quickie is seldom less than 45 minutes) but these are not the regular entries on the sex menu. This Kitty is sure that we’ve all had disappointing orgasms, the Nick Clegg climaxes as it were, the insipid little squirts that really weren’t worth the effort. Is this person really saying that a pathetic discharge trumps the experience of giving pleasure to one’s partner for a couple of hours?

    Good sex, great sex comes (*ahem*) from anticipation, desire, teasing, physical and mental contact, sensual experiences and the giving of pleasure. This Kitty has had plenty of great sex where he didn’t orgasm, and some where neither partners orgasmed. But there was still the satiation of desire, the warmth and satisfaction that comes from deep connections.

    Sometimes this Kitty doesn’t want or need to climax. Plenty of times Kitty’s been used for pleasure without so much as a touch on his cock. Giving pleasure on any part of the body can be truly enjoyable. I pity those who are so narrow minded.

    Great sex doesn’t have to have an orgasm for both participants.

  • John

    I agree in many ways; I adore, totally adore going down on my wife. If she’d let me, I would do it far more often than I am allowed to, and it’s natural for me to make her orgasm. When I do this, I don’t always get to come, but it is still good sex in my eyes.

    But is this just my submissive nature shining through?

    Sex is much more than act of applying a form of friction to our genitals: the kissing, anticipation, relaxing, the look in the eyes and warmth in the body language. It means much more than just rubbing body parts, but I think that what I describe is seen as the start of “foreplay” which is seen as being different from “sex”

    I didn’t see the programme so I can’t comment too much but sex is more to me than a wild rush of relief in either me or my partner.

  • Curvaceous Dee

    Orgasms are wonderful, as is ejaculation by either party (not necessarily the same thing as orgasm) – but they’re not a requirement for amazing sexual shenanigans together. Which is a good thing, because a lot of my sex in the past and in the present time doesn’t involve orgasms. Hell, a fair amount of my masturbation doesn’t involve orgasms! It’s the intimacy, the touch, and the pleasure of being.

    Awesome post, Molly!

    xx Dee

  • mx_niko

    I absolutely adore going down on my partner and feeling their pleasure, or masturbating (&c. whatever else) them. It’s just. so. fucking. amazing. While I do like to orgasm myself, and find it mostly incredible, I do find that an orgasm without much (fore)play, or without the full involvement of my partner…. well, I just don’t fucking care about it. I’d rather not anything if my partner isn’t fully involved and invested in the act *we* are experiencing together. I’d rather go have a wank and let them get on with whatever is occupying them at the time.

    tl:dr; I’d rather no orgasms than no pleasure.

  • Lori&Hubby

    I agree completely. I love the way your conveyed it.
    For me an Orgasm is like the cherry on top of a piece of cake. The delight is in the richness of the experience. XxOo

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