Woman Cuffed and chained in chair

A 30 Days of Kink post…


Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?


“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” ~ Gail Sheehy

I have always said that one of the things that I love about our relationship and in particular the D/s element of it is that it is constantly changing and evolving as we learn and grow together. Our exploration into our kinky selves is exactly that, an exploration. It is not a static state of affairs.

I think one of the things that I hated most about the book 50 Shades of Grey, and trust me when I say I hated quite a bit of it, was the contract. Firstly the contract had been written by Christian prior to ever meeting Anna, which immediately makes it worthless. He might as well have presented her with a standard rent agreement. A D/s relationship between two people (or more) cannot be agreed upon and acted out based on a contract that only one of the parties has had any input into, also for me the whole nature of the contract completely destroyed the fact any relationships between people evolve and change but in my opinion none more so then a consensual adult D/s relationship. The whole thing when you strip everything else away is based on learning, growth, knowledge and development of the people involved. A contract like the one in the book doesn’t foster any of that, it stifles it.

When I look back at the ‘me’ of 3 years ago my relationship with Sir, albeit a purely long distance one at the time, was just beginning to flourish. I was excited, happy, but also nervous. I knew I was submissive and I knew his natural Dom behaviour and qualities made my bloody pump in ways it had never quite done so before but beyond that I really knew fuck all. At the time I completed a BDSM check-list and we spent hours and hours talking about the various aspects of it, as well as many other things but what if we had written a contract based on what we knew or thought we knew then? I am fairly sure the contract would have said something about not making me bleed. It would also have said no cutting or knives to mention just a couple of things. What if we had stuck to that? We would have been limiting ourselves and our learning before we even started.

Of course I am not saying that D/s relationship should not be without their agreements. Hard limits are hard limits for a reason. They need to be discussed, shared and understood but then there are those grey areas. The things that scare you, that make you slowly back away but underneath you can feel a curiosity or even rush of heat. Those are things that also need to be discussed but also they need to be left alone, for you to mull over, consider and confront because only then can you find the answers. Only then can you know if you want to step into the grey areas and shine some light around or if in fact you just want to leave them alone.

A perfect example of this for me at the moment is branding. The thought of it makes me shudder… with fear and yet there is something else too; excitement, curiosity and maybe an even little wetness. Without a shadow of a doubt 3 years ago, in fact probably only a year ago I would have said this was just not for me, in fact even right now I believe it is not for me and yet I would be lying if I said it is was a definite no! The real answer is… I don’t know. I am curious about it, would love to talk to someone who has done it and someone who has one. I need to read more, understand more, think more, talk more before I can answer that question. Actually correction; before WE can answer that question because regardless of what conclusion I come too he also has to be up for it.

Of course there have been areas that he has been determined to challenge, for example my hang-up about my period and sex during my period. The very first time we spent together I, of course, got my period. I was mortified; convinced it would spoil our time together. How wrong I was. Right from that very moment he set about challenging my worries and fears and showed me, and continues to do so, that he finds me sexy and sexually available all the time, even when I am on my period. His attitude has without doubt instigated a huge change within me about how I view my body and my period and I have gone from a woman who hated her period to one who smiles when it arrives. It no longer means abstinence, in fact quite the opposite.

So it would seem that not only have my interests, desires and kinks changed and developed since I first set out on this road but also I have changed. I am certainly calmer, more focused and more relaxed and most of all a great deal happier. Change can be challenging, scary, stressful and full of angst but change induced by learning and exploring the depths of who we are, I have found, is liberating, exciting, positive and most of all satisfying. For me learning and exploring our desires and opposing D/s personalities is all about growth and with growth there is always going to be change.

So much of my life has changed because of kink. I am now married again. I am now happy again. I am certainly braver and stronger. I am more likely to take risks. I am proud of myself and of my work. I am proud of my body, despite my mutterings about it flaws. I post images now that I would never have done so 3 years ago. I am changed and I change and through that I have found freedom.

Woman Cuffed and chained in chair


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Aphy November 7, 2012 - 5:40 am

I love reading your blog Molls it always seems to bring a smile to my face.

I think back to 3 years ago, the conversations we shared and reading what you have written above I find myself reflecting on the journey you and Signs have taken so far in your exploration and challenge of your beliefs, fears and desires. I take my hat of to you for the courage, determination and your willingness to learn and grow. You are an amazing woman and submissive Molly.
Oh yeah – Hated Fifty Shades as well and Sir had to listen to me rant and rave as I read it LOL.

Love Aphy

mollyskiss November 7, 2012 - 4:30 pm

My darling Aphy… Hasn’t time flown by? We must catch up…and yes I can image your reading 50 Shades… in fact I am fairly sure I could here you swearing from all the way over here!


Curvaceous Dee November 7, 2012 - 6:58 am

I believe that if our relationships aren’t changing, they’re stagnating. It’s great that yours is!

xx Dee

KaziGrrl November 7, 2012 - 10:14 am

That’s a beautiful evolution right there. 🙂

To learn and grow together in any relationship is a wonderful thing. I think the D/s dynamic is an enriching element that stimulates that growth and I am so glad to have found it and be exploring it.

~Kazi xxx

Kim November 7, 2012 - 4:18 pm

I like the word Dee used, stagnate. If I never found out my sub side, I would be stagnate and sad. What I feel you put in it words!

Marie Rebelle November 7, 2012 - 5:32 pm

Now, almost two years down the road of D/s, I totally understand what you talk about in this post. I think if I have read this post when we started out on our journey, I would not have understood it as fully as I do now. We too have grown – He as a Dominant, me as a sub and us as a couple. We have grown closer together and that is wonderful. We do not have a contract, even though I have craved one at a stage. But as someone dear has pointed out to me very recently, my standing orders can be seen as a kind of contract too.

As for branding, I do not think I will ever be able to do that. But, one can never say never, right? I look forward to read more on your thoughts about this!

BTW, I love the photo! Those shoes are simply divine!

Rebel xox

Mia November 7, 2012 - 5:57 pm

I smiled as I read this and understood your words so well.

We do not have a contract, we work together and find our levels, limits and growth.

As you know we are both Switch so the dynamic is different in some ways but similar too. Sometime I will write a post to try and explain this…

Also, as Rebel stated, love the photo!!!

~Mia~ xx

Twisted Angel November 8, 2012 - 12:11 pm

While I am not fully immersed in a D/s relationship I will admit that certain parts of it do arouse me. Like you at this point no blood, no cutting. Yeah I don’t ever see those coming into play for me personally. Love the shot absolutely beautiful.

Plumptious Pea November 9, 2012 - 2:06 pm

I always get a sense of parallels when reading anything you’ve written, Molly. Not so much the stage you’re at in your D/s relationship & marriage, but in how you think & see the aspects. In how you wanted your life to be and what it will continue to be. Your writing gives me a great sense of “Yes, that, completely.”

Thankyou for being a remarkable woman & a voice to which so many can relate.

Pea ~x~

The Lustful Literate November 11, 2012 - 12:10 am

I think this is the beauty of a healthy relationship. It is what allows us to explore and it encourages changing through risk-taking, like you say. I would not be the “me” of today if it weren’t for my partner and our sexploration. It does indeed bring confidence, bravery, strength, and pride, and ultimately freedom. I think you say that perfectly.


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