Peri-menopause is HARD.
The weather this week has been some serious winter business. Also known as damn cold. The upside is that it has not rained and there have been beautiful blue skies during the day even though the frost lingered on the ground.
It made me want to get out and explore. Sadly I had company on my walk on Friday when the frost was at it’s most beautiful but then today when I opened the curtained it was as close to winter white wonderland as it can be without any actual snow. Frozen mist had clung to everything. Every tree, every bush was dusted with white and their was a thick mist hanging in the the air. It was stunning.
I should have grabbed my camera and warm clothes and legged it over the fields but I will absolutely honest and say I slept really badly last night as the peri-menopause night anxiety monster kept waking me up. It is one of the worst things about this time, the anxiety but in particular the night anxiety.
I wake up with a start and instantly I am on alert. Something is wrong, something is wrong, something is wrong leaps into my brain, my heart speeds up, my breathing catches and I can feel the little tug of fear and even the beginning of panic in my chest. Nothing is wrong, I think.
I go to the toilet, lay back down, and focus on breathing and thinking about nothing in particular. Fairly quickly I fall back asleep.
I played that game at least 4 times last night. So leaping out of bed to take photos in the beauty of the winter outside was just not on the cards for me today. Hopefully there will be another morning like this one and maybe I won’t be so tired.
But for now I am using it as an excuse to share a picture I took in similar weather many years ago that I never posted here.
I have written more posts about Peri-menopause and HRT which you can find on this link. I will try and right some more updates soon as the last few months have felt like a challenge and I am struggling to feel as positive about the whole things as I was when I wrote those posts.
14 comments
A great photo. I love the clarity of your and the pseudo bokeh of the mist.
Having only had limited experience of other people’s menopause, may I suggest it’s not all bad, especially the hot flushes in this weather?
Hi there
No, actually you may not suggest that to be honest. I don’t actually suffer from hot flushes any more, the HRT helps with that, but even if I did they are not just this gentle warming like a hug. They are agreesive and consuming, they come on suddenly, one moment you are OK and the next you are pouring in sweat, your heart speeds up, you can even feel a bit dizzy and sometimes even sick. You start to not trust your body, you know they can happen at any moment. For women who are in the work place they can be devasting. Can you imagine teaching a room full of teenagers with sweat pouring down your face and body and some kid is like, why you so sweaty miss. Or in a meeting, or treating a patient, or driving a bus, or just trying to sleep.
Also just to be clear, peri/meonpause is a devasting thing. It is a total stripping of everything you have been. It is called the change because it fundementally changes you in a way that I don’t think there are words to explain if you have not gone through it. It is not like moving house, or getting a new job, something you adapt to fairly quickly, it is scary and disconerting and you don’t know from one moment to the next if you are ill or if it’s the menopause. Your body hurts in ways you never experienced before, you are so incrediably tired but also can’t sleep properly, your vagina hurts, you have brain fog and trouble concentrating, your skin goes dry, your hair starts falling out or going dry and brittle, you have more periods than usual or maybe none at all but then suddenly one can appear out of the blue. You have hideous crippling anxiety, you loose muscle tone and struggle to get it back, you put on weight and struggle to get off.
Help for this has improved but there is still woeful knowledge and meds. Why? Because investment in research has historically been managed by men and the menoause is just women being ’emotional’.
I am sure you thought this was a joke but men jokes about the menopause can go in the literal bin and be set on fire and I will happily sit and warm my cold aching hands on the flames.
Molly
The anxiety that comes with perimenopause really sucks. I am glad that you can get back to sleep when yours hits. I also hope that it steadies soon. I wish I had advice for you but mine is awful and I’m just in survival mode.
I hear you and I totally understand
Molly
I am sorry that your body is being so hard to live with. I am also in awe of the image you have posted. It is so otherworldly and amazing!
Thank you.
Hi Molly. I love your power in the image. Stunning.
Peri menopause sounds horrible. Women get the soggy end in so many different ways. It ain’t fair for sure.
Thank you. xx
Stunning photo Molly. I hate the cold so know just how daunting it is to de-robe in the cold and grey. But it really is a beautiful photograph.
Best wishes for navigating your way through those annoying “night games”. Hope they will disappear sooner rather than later.
Xxx – K
Thank you lovely
I wish I had your confidence and dare to take a picture like that, absolutely stunning!!
Perimenopause on the other hand… not so much. I’m an anxious mess at the best of times, but perimenopause just trippled it. And I didn’t think it could get worse, but now I just skipped a period… and I’m losing it, and me.
FUCK PERIMENOPAUSE!!!!
This is a stunning image Molly as stunning as every photo you post.
I’m so sorry about the Peri menopause, can’t even begin to understand what it’s like as an man, but I hope you can find your way through.
Your image is STUNNING and your experience is all too relatable. I *think* my perimenopause anxiety peaked a couple of years ago (I fucking hope so!) but I truly thought I was losing my mind for a couple of years. Now I just wish I felt at home in my own body — random aches and pains, always feeling hot (even without a hot flash which only makes it worse), and all the rest suck so fucking bad.
I have found your posts about perimenopause really helpful Molly and it has spurred me on to have a chat with my gp, the anxiety really is shitty. Hope night’s of full relaxing sleep find their way back to you soon x
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