“I think that one should view with philosophic admiration the strange paths of the libido and should investigate the purposes of its circuitous ways.” ~ Carl Jung
I have mentioned libido in a couple of my menopause and HRT posts but I thought that it should have a post all of it’s own because, well it’s an important subject not just to me but to many people with wombs who are or are going to at some point experience the menopause.
Like in most of life your libido (sex drive) is not something that you suddenly just wake up with one day or likewise something that just vanishes like flicking a switch and plunging a room into a sex darkness. I say mostly because of course there are those moments when that happens. Like when you suddenly get really sick. Mostly when you really poorly having sex or desire for sexual activities will vanish. Your body takes up all that drive with wanting to sleep or concentrating on getting you better. The same can also be said for your mental health but that also tends to be something that shifts gradually. It’s not like a switching off and instant vanishing of your sexy buzz. It’s gradual. It creeps up on you.
That was definitely my experience when it came to my sex drive and the menopause. This time last year I wrote about how my period were starting to vanish on me, but then return again but I also said it was the only symptom I was having and that my sex drive was as powerful as it had ever been. In fact in the last few years, during my mid to later 40’s I would say it was as strong as it had ever been. At times it felt like maybe it was the strongest it had ever been.
I was surprised about that and actually did some research into it and it turns out that for some people that shift in hormones in the very early stages of peri-menopause can in fact cause your libido to increase. I guess in some weird way it is the bodies attempt to get you try and procreate one last time before it is too late.
Anyway, so everything was fine, more than fine actually. Then it was still fine and then yeah it’s fine. I didn’t have a partner for quite a bit of the summer so it was me and my wanking arsenal of toys and we happily ploughed the fields of my desire together. At the end of the summer I actually went on a date that resulted in some sexual activities. Hurrah me. Sadly that didn’t last long, but again I felt like everything was fine.
And the truth is, it was actually fine but that was in fact a change. Things were changing. It was different. It was like a dulling of something that had always been bright and shiny. If I got it out and gave it a rub then it would glow but if I left it alone it no longer really nagged me for attention like it had done for most of my adult life. It just wasn’t as greedy and as needy and that was different and when I realised, when I noticed, it was actually unsettling,
I guess my point is it was all so subtle that I nearly missed it. Little things like, I suddenly realised I had not had a wank in 3 or 4 days and wasn’t really that bothered about it. That when I saw hot gifs on twitter or read sexy erotica that appealed to me I still felt a little something but not the kick in my cunt that I would have done in the past. I wasn’t shifting in my seat trying to press my thighs together to ease the ache in my cunt. The rawness of my sexual response to things had dulled.
It has always been something I have scared of to be honest. I have always had a very high sex drive and it has always been a big part of who I am. I have enjoyed it. I liked it, actually I loved it. I was happy to be a horny needy slutty partner who was pretty much always up for it. Who would I be without that?
I don’t know the answer to that exactly but I do know that it was not as scary or as sad as I thought it would be. In some ways it has made me curious for how it will evolve and change over the next 10 years or so. It has made me realise that even if the hormones are not giving me that craving I can still manifest it through interactions with sexy partners and also just focusing on it.
For now though I am pretty much back to my pre-hormone replacement levels of horn. I am into my 5th month of HRT now and it has definitely had a positive impact on my waning libido. It was not instant, but certainly even within the first month I felt more like my old self. Whether that was libido returning or actually because I was sleeping properly and so didn’t feel tired ALL the damn time I don’t know, but as the months have gone by my sex drive has definitely returned to its former self and in doing so has actually highlighted how much it had reduced. I just had not noticed it because as I said, it’s not like it is on one day and then off the next. It’s just this ever so subtle reduction, like someone very very slowly turning down the temperature by the smallest amount each day until suddenly you realise you are sitting in the cold. Or in my case when it gets turned up again and you are all hot and horny then it becomes really obvious.
I hope for now, with the HRT, things will stay that way, but as I said before this little blip in the horn meter has actually made me feel less scared of it what the future might hold. That what it might be is different, but that doesn’t have to mean bad, far from it in fact. Maybe in some weird small way it might even be liberating.