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For love

Molly's vulva behind heartshape in the bubble bath for post about things we do for love

The things we do for love….

I have got married for love. Twice in fact.

The first time I now realise I never really loved him so maybe I didn’t do that for love but at the time I thought I did. I didn’t even know what love felt like. I married him because that is what you did and then we bought a flat together and then came a baby. No one ever really showed me any other way and he seemed to like me and want to be with me so it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Of course it wasn’t and with time I evolved and grew and became increasingly unhappy. Leaving him was one the best decisions I have ever made. I did it for me, an act of self love and certainly an act of self preservation.

Then I got married again. This time it was most definitely for love. Passionate and intense love which was a true revelation to me and made me realise what love was meant to feel like and what it felt like to be loved. I knew then that I had never been in love before, I had mistaken need and desire and reliance as love. Being in love is joyous and beautiful and powerful and wild and hard and quite frankly amazing.

I truly thought that love was forever but it turns out that was not the case and I will admit that some of what has happened has left me feeling bruised and bitter. I made compromises for that love, which is what you do right? Actually I don’t know that it is. I know for me loving someone, being in love with them, means helping them to be all that they are and encouraging them to find out what that is. As long as it doesn’t involve committing a crime then I want to help and support you be your most amazing self. We make compromises because that is life but we shouldn’t have to compromise the truth of who or what we are and doing so is hugely damaging in the long run.

I now know that our problems ran pretty deep but at the time, over the years, I dismissed things and let things slide because of that love I felt, Confronting things was scary and meant that maybe things were not what I thought they were and so I pushed on through until one day I discovered something I couldn’t ignore anymore. I don’t want to go into details. It is private stuff that does no good sharing but it was like opening Pandora’s box and it changed everything for me. I still care about him, in many ways I still love him but I am not in love with him any more. We seem to be muddling through now and being friends but there are days when I am angry and sad. I do feel very let down and what has happened has made me question my judgement. Time is a healer though and so is living a good life. I plan to make sure I do that.

I will be 50 in a couple of years. Time is ticking and I have things I want to do before I get too old to do them. Understanding myself better and knowing what love looks and feels like means that when it happens again you can see it so very fucking clearly for what it is. I have spent a lot of my life without out being in love but now I know that it is actually hugely important to me and my happiness. When I love I do so intensely and passionately and with my whole self.

Before I met Michael I actually didn’t really believe in love. I thought it was something made up in books and movies, a fantasy idea if you like. I could so easily become jaded and suspicious of love as a result of what has happened between us but whilst it might have made me cautious in some ways it has also helped me to realise how important it is to me and for me to be able to identify it when I feel it. It’s different from anything else. Yes it comes with lust and passion and a fiery energy that can be intoxicating but I have had those things without love and whilst they are wonderful and I am sure I will have them again with others (I certainly plan to) being in love with someone is more than that. I don’t think I have the words for it. After all humans have been trying to capture it in words and pictures and music since the beginning of time and whilst some have done better than others it is a quest that continues to this day. I might not be able to describe it in words without sounding ridiculously cheesy but the one benefit of having experienced it so rarely is that I when I feel it I know exactly what it is.

That does also mean you can hide from it too, something I have certainly been guilty of but that has changed now. No more hiding, only truth. I am in love with The Charmer.

Of course there are other types of love in my life; I have some truly amazing friends who have truly stepped up to the task of being my friend this year. They have helped me through possibly one the toughest patches of my life. I am not sure I would have got through it without them. I am not going to name names but you ladies know who you are and hopefully you know just how much I love you.

And then there is family. Somehow this one feels so very complicated. I love my two children so very much. I am proud of them every single day I love seeing them evolve and learn who they are but being a parent is also hard fucking work, especially when you are, for the most part, the only parent. I know I have been a good parent, or least I have done my absolute best but I also know that I am ready for some real proper time for me.

I also think this blog deserves a mention because if there is anything that I have dedicated myself to for love it is this space. I am coming up on my 10th blogging anniversary. Yes I know I should do something special to mark it I am just not sure I know what that is right now. However this space has been so important to me over the years. It is been where I have shared my real truthful self in so many ways. It is where I have discovered a passion for photography and a skill for self portraiture. I have honed my writing craft here and managed to carve out a income as a result of my this space. Whilst it doesn’t really earn a great deal in and of itself it has opened doors to me making a living elsewhere in ways I could never have done without it.

However this year I have felt oddly uncomfortable with parts of it. Much of what I have written here has detailed my life with Michael. Our kinky D/s relationship has been a key part of what I have written about and with that changing and being no more I have found myself looking at this space wondering what it is to me now. I have an auto-tweet widget that tweets out past posts each day and I have nearly turned it off a few times now because lots of that back content inspires complicated feelings in me. Looking back on some of it now framed with new eyes is hard but I have resisted the temptation and instead tried to remember it in the context it was written not the place we ended up at.

This blog started just before my relationship with Michael, it has grown with me over the years and there have been times when for various reasons I have felt stifled here in what I can share but now that has changed and whilst there are still some things that are off the table for a little while longer I need to work on moving this space forward with me as I venture on through my life. I need to populate it with new and fresh content. Some of the pictures in particular are hard to look at but they are also part of what bought me to today and I want to embrace that and get to a place where I can truly make peace with everything that has happened and look back on that chapter in my life with as much positivity as I can.

I love my blog. I am hugely proud of what I have created here. I think it might soon be time for a redesign. Maybe I will try to get that ready for my 10th anniversary but mostly I am looking forward to continuing to create content here, to letting it evolve with me as my life changes. I am starting a new chapter in my life which means my blog is doing exactly the same thing.

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  • Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker, Director of Operations @Eroticon Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

  • Show Comments (31)

  • Julie

    Thank you for another, almost painfully, honest post Molly. firstly I am testament to the fact that 50 is not old and there is much to be done afterwards. Also on a practical re-tweeting level you can prevent certain posts not doing that, something I recommend.

    Love is an interesting concept and is different things with different people at different times of our lives. Sadly it seems that we have to go through good and bad and can never really be sure the good will last. All you can do is what is right at the time. Plus continue to love our children unconditionally.

    Sending you lots of love my dear friend – to more love and happiness xxx

    • Molly Moore

      I know 50 is not old but I also see my Mother having physical problems and I realise that life can be short so I want to live and experience while I can.

      I know about the retweeting thing but mostly I feel like they are all part of me and so I should embrace them but I might think about excluding some stuff.

      And yes, you are right about doing what seems right at the time and also the kids thing too. That is a love that just exists in my opinion even when they drive you batshit crazy *laughs

      Molly

  • eye

    Molly, I know I always say sending love, and I know that when times are hard that doesn’t always seem to be anywhere near enough but that is what I can do. I can think about you and send love for the hard times and so you can enjoy the good times. So. Sending more love. X

    • Molly Moore

      Oh no, it definitely enough. Knowing I am seen and heard and someone is sending a hug is very powerful to me

      molly

  • eye

    And just to say,excluding stuff you don’t want to see anymore is self care. Feel free x

  • Ferns

    Thank you for always sharing with courage. I hope your future is gloriously full of love and happiness.

    Ferns

    • Molly Moore

      I am hopeful

      Molly

  • Cousin Pons

    It’s very haed for me to know what to say after reading these very painful and honest words. All I can do is send you my love and wish you a future filled with love and happiness.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you and for taking the time to comment

  • Tabitha Rayne

    Oh Molly, your honesty and open explorations astonish me. I feel greedy consuming it, your absolute dedication to sharing and being so strong by not even switching off the autotweeting… You are one of the bravest artists I know. Truly x x x so much love to you

  • missy

    Thank you for another post which is so honest in terms of its content. I can really relate to what you say about love and have always seen a number of parallels between us. That has been so helpful to me and I think that if you can keep your past content live it is a positive thing. You wrote to share with others and I know that others feel they have gained personally from that. I see it is a painful part of you at the moment but admire your resolve in not wanting to close the door on what has brought you to where you are now. Life is a journey and your blog is a reflection of part of yours. Despite a change in direction, I read not only because I enjoy your writing style and your content, but because there are still things to learn there, about myself and about life, written between your words. That is a powerful thing and I think this post is testament to that.

    I always send hugs too and I won’t stop. Hugs missy xx

  • Floss

    Thank you for sharing this with us for F4T Molly. I’ve wanted to comment on so many of you posts lately, and haven’t, the reason for doing and not doing were the same – the parallels with my own life at the moment. While myself and Bakji weren’t married, we were well and truly entwined, including on my blog and so much of what you have shared of late has resonated with me. I know you will go on to do awesome things and have amazing experiences, and as and when you share them with us here, I know we will all be cheering you on and maybe touching ourselves a little when the stories get spicy and I am excited for you, because I’m excited for myself and I think in part I feel a sense of camaraderie in our journeys, so I wanted to thank you for sharing as honestly as you have, because while I didn’t comment when my news wasn’t out in the open, you did make me feel a lot less alone and lot more positive about my own adventures that are bound to come my way x

  • Sweetgirl

    Thank you for sharing yourself in this way, and I hope you continue to share as your life evolves into its next chapter…

  • Marie Rebelle

    I love you, my dear friend! You are such a strong woman, and you will become even stronger. Indeed, leave that content up, embrace it, because that was you too and you wouldn’t have been where you are today had you not grown through those years. I look forward to see what you do for your 10th blogging anniversary, and how you fill your blog with exciting new content in the next 10 years!

    Rebel xox

  • PurpleSole

    A redesign sounds like a good idea, fresh ideas and looking forward to the things you will enjoy rather than looking back. Change happens unfortunately, but I’m glad that you have found yourself some happiness.

  • May More

    One of the reasons for me your blog is one of the best out there is because of your honesty – more importantly your “genuine” honesty. I read so many blogs that are obviously pretending to write an truthful post but it is simply written for attention.
    My intuition tells me you are going to more than fine – and have exciting things to look forward to. The past year may have embittered you slightly but I can not see that lasting. And being in love with The Charmer – well that is wonderful news and didn’t surprise me. I so am wishing you both wonderful times together x

  • Elliott

    I don’t think you need to do anything special for your followers, because you are special to us every day. You helped create and advance many sex bloggers, myself included, Molly. Do something special for yourself. Time to stop looking back and just move ahead for yourself. xo

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you Elliot

  • Isabelle Lauren

    This is such a beautiful post, painfully honest, but that’s why I love reading your blog. I hear what you say about love: sometimes we think we’re in love, especially when we’re very young and haven’t experienced life much. A blog redesign may be what you need, as long as you do it for you, because we, as readers, will be here no matter what.

    • Molly Moore

      I am torn to be honest as I really like my current theme but maybe a new look will go with my new adventures
      Mollyx

  • Mx Nillin

    Oof, yeah I can only imagine how hard those kiss from the past re-tweets have been right now. Definitely would understand you turning them off for a bit if you need to for mental health and wellness reasons!

    I have wondered how you were feeling about the blog lately given what a good portion of it represents. I’m so glad to hear that you intend to continue growing and evolving with it and I totally understand that urge to delete some of the harder posts. I’m sure there would be no judgement from your readers, friends, and close peers should you decide to be rid of some. There definitely wouldn’t be from me!

    Also, thank you for continuing to write and express yourself through difficult times, with difficult subjects and feelings. It is very inspiring and refreshing to see that candidness.

    Thinking of you lots during these challenging, yet also exciting and transformative times xoxo

  • Francesca Demont

    Molly, you have a voice for yourself that I, as a newbie, admire. It will be your call where to take your future and this blog, but fortunately, unless you block me, I can come along on the journey.

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