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Your Loss

molly naked with purple hair hugging herself and looking into the camera

This week I pitched a piece to a main stream media outlet. Actually the truth is they invited me to make a pitch which I did. They then asked me to clarify my age, which in case you didn’t know is a massive 46, which is turns out is too old. Apparently their readership is mainly people in their 20’s and 30’s and so they want their writers to be of the same age. I am not going to name and shame them simply because it would cut off all dialogue with them and well I live in hope that maybe one day they will see the error of their ways. So why write this post then I hear you asking? Because I have thoughts to share on this whole subject.

Aging is not fun or pretty. I will happily admit that I am not a fan. I do not like the grey hairs or the added wrinkles on my face. I am not keen on the wattle that is starting to show beneath my chin or the slight bags under my eyes. They are constant reminders that I am not what I was, that time is passing and I look in the mirror and see my Mother. Now the thing about that is that I think my Mother is actually a very attractive woman, even now in her 70’s and struggling with some health problems I think she has a grace and beauty about her and I am not the only one who thinks that. My daughter told me the other day that if she ended up looking like me and Granny at our current ages she would be very happy and yet I would still love to look like I did 10 years ago. I think some of my problems with the physical aspects of aging is that I feel like I wasted some of the best years of my life, when my body was more youthful I was stuck in a marriage having fairly dull vanilla sex and being a stay at home with 2 small children. I have regrets about some of that (another post for another day) but now my life is different and I exceptionally happy about that, but I wish I had enjoyed my body earlier in my life.

Of course the truth is that I wasn’t ready in my 20’s or even the very early parts of my 30’s to do that. I was self conscious about so many things. I certainly didn’t have the confidence or vocabulary to articulate what I wanted or desired. Now much of that is down to both lack of knowledge and lack of opportunity to discover those things and without a doubt the arrival of the internet in my life totally transformed those things for me. It allowed me access to information and knowledge that I had never encountered before and to people who helped me discover some of the missing pieces in my knowledge that opened up my sexuality to me. Those people, some of them friends I made, but many of them writers sharing their experiences and knowledge online were a true gift to me and do you know what? I never once cared how old they were and I find it hard to believe that many people do care about that. If a piece is well written and informative or entertaining surely that outweighs the relevance of the age of the person writing it?

What happened to me this week hurt like hell at the time, and I will admit to actually having a bit of a cry about it. After all you can adapt your pitch, practice your writing, improve your skills but you can’t change your age and if that is a barrier to me earning a living as a writer then maybe I should just give up now because it is not something I can change or for that matter stop, in fact in a few months time it is going to get worse because I will be 47. It left me feeling like I had nothing to offer. That I should just give up all the hard work I have done to get to where I am now and go and get a job but I am stubborn and determined and as quickly as I got to that thought my next thought was that I should start a magazine style site where everyone who contributes to it is over 40 but unlike like other sites which do that where the content is age focused I’d keep the content broad in its focus. It also made me even more determined to write this blog. Here in this space I can write and share my photography and no one can reject me because I am too old. Sure you can choose not to read me because of that but that is the case anywhere, but at least here I get to have my voice even if other outlets deem me too old to be of interest.

And all that made me realise that there are some good things about aging. You see 10 years ago I wouldn’t have even pitched my piece in the first place let alone been able to deal with any rejection that came my way. Yes I was upset yesterday, but in the scheme of things only momentarily, and all it has done is made me more determined to make this project of mine work for me, and along the way if I can to give space and opportunity to others to have a voice too whether they be marginalized by age or sexuality or race.

I hope that I am never the person who rejects someones thoughts or opinions or experiences because of their age, whether they be young or old, and I truly hate the idea that media outlets in particular seem to perpetuate the idea that people only want to know about or hear about people like themselves, that they are only interested in people of their own age. I have encountered it so many times both from TV and other media outlets that has sent me calls for pitches or casting for shows that specifically say things like… 25 – 40 year olds only. Whenever I have challenged them about it and said people over 40 have sex too you know, the most common response is always something along the lines of, our viewer/readership is that age group and to that I say, so what? If I am anything to go by and I don’t think I am alone in this, your 20’s and 30’s are when you are really figuring things out. Now in my 40’s I find that I understand myself and the world around me in a much richer fuller way. I am strong and confident. I know I am capable of much. I have achieved much. I have broken apart my world and remade it better despite many people telling me I couldn’t. I am smart and thoughtful and a great listener. I am a good writer and really fucking talented photographer. I am a good adventurous lover. I know what I like and how my body works and also how to use it. I give great blow jobs. I am a good wife and yes even though I say I am a crappy sub I am not really because I know what kind of sub I am and that makes me a complex submissive not a crappy one. I have knowledge and experience and it is valuable and worth sharing. I am 46 and I have come into my power and if your publication can’t handle that then you know what, more fool you, your loss.

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  • Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker, Director of Operations @Eroticon Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

  • Show Comments (47)

  • Missy

    I was really sorry to read this and yes – it is indeed their loss and a loss to their readers. Such narrow mindedness has no place in these times and I naively thought there were laws there to protect against it. I ageee with so much of what you are saying about the way your age gives you an advantage. And you look bloody brilliant too. If it makes you feel better I am 48 and will be 49 next month 😉

  • Hislordship

    46? Spring chicken Molly! I feel your disappointment to a degree when pitching for work. I know that age and sex are still boxes employers go to when sifting, I’ve seen it first hand in my last job. Sexism and ageism rules (not)ok! When I first started working I was concerned that my CV was too thin, now it’s too diverse and spans too many years! Its not been said, but like you, I can read between the lines and lies.
    But with age come ignorance, selected deafness, shortsight, aches, groans when standing and lift and loss of memory. That’s called character in my book!
    You’ve honed your skills and you use them well Molly, more than most at your age… 🙂

  • Cousin Pons

    An absolutely brilliant piece of writing Molly. You have knocked this dreadful ageism for six.

  • Clive Pilcher

    I completely agree with you. Age shouldn’t matter when you write, whether it be a commissioned piece or on your own blog, but sadly there are many out there who judge people by that number that attaches to us. Have you come across the site Post 40 Bloggers? They featured one of my posts a few years ago but haven’t taken any interest since – I wonder if they found out that I’m 65, i.e. too far Post 40! It’s a magazine style site like you describe, not a sex blog, Last year they ran a series of articles by women in their early 40s all bemoaning their age. I wrote a response which I put on my own blog and invited them to consider to give some balance, but despite several reminders the site never even acknowledged me, so I know where you’re coming from with this. I hope you can put the disappointment behind you – you write beautifully and, as you so rightly say, it’s their loss!

  • Serena Chloe

    I can’t believe this is a real issue for you! For me personally, looking at turning 30 next week, just now blogging, and blossoming into my own kinky sexuality, your blog among a couple others are a wealth of amazing knowledge and inspiration. Constantly reading and learning from someone in your own age group means mostly reading exactly what you are already experiencing. Sure, that’s great for helping you not feel alone but when I know I can read from the perspective of someone who has already walked this path, gone through the things I might be going through, and overcame them? That’s infinitely more valuable.

    • Aurora Glory

      This is exactly what I was going to say! For advice especially I value the opinion of someone who has experienced it, rather than someone who is in the same situation as me. But, I wouldn’t be able to even closely guess the age of anyone based on their writing anyway. It’s definitely, 100% their loss, they’ll be missing out on amazing content with an attitude like that.
      Aurora x

      • Molly Moore

        Thank you Aurora. I truly believe their is space and need for voices of all ages but it does seem to be that when it comes to sex etc people struggle with the idea that someone older might have something of value to say

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you. I am glad my writing has been helpful to you

      x

  • Toy

    I have so many thoughts on this but primarily I thank you Not just for sharing your experience but for allowing me to realize I am not alone. I am 53. Will be 54 next month. I hate the number but keep telling myself they are just numbers. Like you, I see the changes on the outside and I see people pick the younger and thinner, less wrinkled over me. They don’t see the inside and don’t care to do so. Inside me, you, us, mature women, is the knowledge, Hope, experience, life lessons that have made us who we are and make us able to share and assist those with the lower numbers on their drivers license. I could go on and on but I will just say again, thank you. Because knowing others are feeling the same way makes it easier to feel better. Thanks Love!

    • Molly Moore

      You are welcome

      x

  • Mrs Fever

    I like your 40+ mag site idea. I would most definitely contribute to a project like that!

    And re: really fucking talented photographer ~

    really, Really, REALLY fucking amazingly talented photography QUEEN

    xoxo

    • Molly Moore

      Aww thank you Feve, that really made me smile

      xxx

  • Sir Thomas

    So sad but so true. Coming from an IT career, 50 seemed to be the ageism age. Project managers feel threatened managing people 20 years their senior and sometimes 20 IQ points higher.

    I was very late attaining my sexual liberation (late 50s), but in the process discovered that ‘mature’ women are much more sexually experienced and adventurous. Certainly in the commercial sex world, age is generally irrelevant, although often young inexperienced women feel uncomfortable. Mind you, when I stop and think, I also feel uncomfortable being with a lady of my daughter’s age.

    Thankfully, blogging is usually anonymous and ageless, unless you deliberately reveal it. Although I am now of an age where revealing my age is done to encourage readers in the 40-60 age range that ‘age shall not weary us’, and that if you look after yourself, you can look (a little) younger than the calendar says.

    • Molly Moore

      I think so many people have a sexual liberation or discovery later in life and the idea that they don’t want to read hot sexy content is nonsense

      Mollyx

  • Posy Churchgate

    Hey Molly – what a ridiculous, erroneous reason to reject your writing! I agree with what you’ve written and all the responses to this post – in particular what Serena C says, because she is their ‘demographic’. That publication needs to know that you are the ‘Queen’ of kinky blogging with so much informed, relevant content with several years of personal experience behind you.

    I am glad you’ve decided to pick yourself up and fight back, the inspiration for a 40+ blog is genius and I’m pretty sure you wont draw strict lines and stand inflexibly behind them as they did! Exposing 40’s recent list shows how many of us bloggers are over 40.

    I can totally relate to your feeling of not having ‘found’ your whole self until later in life, the confidence was definitely not there for me in my 20s and 30s when my body was at its best. When I began my blog I kept details of myself sketchy because I imagined people might find my fiction less sexy to read if they thought I wasn’t young toned and footloose! This lovely community has proven to me what a lot of tosh that was!

    May I just sign off by saying how great you look – I would have guessed that you weren’t much over 40. But age is really just a number and that magazine shows its immaturity by using age as a criteria for selecting writers with something to say.

  • Modesty Ablaze

    Wonderful, wonderful post Molly . . . so much resonates with me personally, and I’m sure with all of your readers here. Just so perfectly stated . . . as always!

    For my own part I am enjoying and experiencing more . . . and reveling in that enjoyment and experience . . . the older I get. Mind over body in my case !!!

    I look forward to visiting, and reading you here, for decades to come !!!

    Xxx – K

  • Marie Rebelle

    Brilliant post, Molly!

    It’s a terrible reason for them not to want your post. Age? Damn, as if you have never been 20 or 30 and as if your experiences can’t help those who still has to get to where you are now. Like you, the forties were my years where I started understanding myself and the world around me, and my fifties now seems to be the years in which I accept myself just like I am. It’s quite ‘freeing’, actually.

    And as a last note: I like your idea for a magazine site 😉

    Rebel xox

    • Molly Moore

      It is definitely an idea I shall ponder

      Mollys

  • Kayla Lords

    Every time I read this, I get so angry on your behalf. That being said, I’d totally support a 40+ magazine…and be on your (virtual) doorstep on October 30, 2019 when I turn 40 to join in on the fun. So…ya know, if you needed any MORE encouragement. 🙂

    • Molly Moore

      Haha, I thought YOU might. Maybe one for the future

      Mollyx

  • May More

    So many of us older bloggers didn’t find ourselves until recent years, and can now behave and write with far more confidence than we could have ten years ago – Younger people always have something to learn from their elders – that magazine has behaved in a ridiculous manner – and it certainly is their bloody loss – idiots! x

  • J

    Yep. We read you because you’re very interesting and have lots to say. Carry on.

  • nilla

    Old people shouldn’t have sex? Well…fuck that! I have self-sex multiple times a week and if my M and I can ever manage to make our schedules match, we’ll have a smashing time of it–in ever sense of the world. By the way, HE is older than I by a decade. I’m just on the threshold of 60, and by that I mean in a matter of several weeks. I’ve made my peace with aging now, in my late days of my 50’s. Yes, there’s extra pounds, and some wrinkly bits, but by gosh it certainly beats the alternative, yes?!

    So, yes, 20, 30, 40- somethings. We old farts have sex. Lots and lots of it. And it’s amazing.

    I’m really sorry that your age mattered at all to anyone else. That’s such a stupid marker to use to decide if someone’s writing is good or not. Perhaps next time you’re asked that, telling them “over the age of consent” would suffice? (Prolly not, but it’s worth a shot!)

    Keep on keeping on, Molly. I love reading your blog though I comment rarely.

    nilla

  • Silver Eagle

    Too bad some people limit themselves with things like age or weight, or sags, etc. I became a sub in my 60’s and have found joy and fulfillment. How limiting and unimaginative the editors of that publication must be.

  • ExplorerJay

    So my first visit here this morning and I click on this post. Let me start out by saying I’m embarking on my sexual liberation adventure at the age of 68 and expect it’s going to be a blast! It’s regrettable every time age-discrimination rears its ugly head and I’m sorry to hear of your recent experience. It’s perhaps interesting to reflect that at this time in our culture, age is often neither valued or respected, particularly perhaps by and on either side of the millennial generation.
    But, on the other hand, those of us who have been around for a few more years (or in my case quite a lot more years) can have many advantages that come with greater life experience, greater self-knowledge and more. And there are a lot of us, and we’re growing in number all the time.
    There’s that often-quoted saying that ‘age is just a number and not a condition’, and it’s one that I completely subscribe to. I believe it has a lot to do with attitude and mindset and choices that we make. Yes, of course, age can bring health-related issues and we experience physical changes of varying kinds. But I’ve come across, as I’m sure we all have, people in their forties who look and act as though they were eighty – or people like my 77-year-old sister-in-law who enjoys rock concerts and a 75-year-old friend who is going to jump out of an airplane next month for the charity he runs.
    Of course, rejection can be tough, whether it’s social or professional, and getting upset initially is perfectly understandable. But let’s step back a minute and recognise that the problem is not you, it’s them. The loss is not yours, it’s theirs. Let’s perhaps frame it that those 20s and 30s folk who write off or devalue those of us a bit, or a lot, later on in life are demonstrating, shall we say, a degree of immaturity and sometimes arrogance. But, hey, at some point they’ll learn. At some point, they’ll have added more years and are likely to have a different perspective and their values will quite likely shift.
    And so here’s you. A talented photographer and writer (and probably a lot more besides – I don’t really know you yet), with a vast range of life and professional experience and accomplishments that ‘they’ can’t even imagine. You’ve got it all going for you Molly. You’ve already proved your worth. You’ll find your next appreciative audience and I have no doubt from what I read about you that you have so much more to contribute over so many more years.
    As for me – 68. So what. I’ve got a lot more living to do and I fully intend to grow old (I’m not there yet) disgracefully!

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you for the lovely comment. I too intend to grow old disgracefully as well.

      Mollyx

    • Silver Eagle

      Well said and agreed with. from another 68-year old!

  • Tiggs

    Just wanting to add my voice to the ideas and reflections of those already commented. In a way the rejection seems to have sparked bolder an stronger ideas than the original call? And that is a very good thing 🙂 echoing what others have said too, ageism sucks and age discrimination is technically illegal (with few exceptions of course but I didn’t think journalism was one of them…). Also just to reinforce the good other thugs people have said – you are a super sexy writer, person and photographer that I am glad to know and see/read here.

  • Lexy

    I ended up here today via Twitter thanks to your lovely photo … and the post text was such a worthwhile bonus. I’m sorry this happened to you.

    There’s an author Ashton Applewhite who writes about Ageism. She had TED talks too. She focuses on ageism and aging as in …people 20+ years out from where you or I are (I’m 43) … but it’s still worthwhile content and the way I look at it, we’re always changing and we’re never to young to grapple with both the way other people see us and the way we see ourselves. Ashton also has a blog I subscribe to called “Yo! Is this ageist?” and I could see this story fitting in there. https://yoisthisageist.com/

    • Molly Moore

      Ohh thank you I will check this out

      Mollyx

  • Tara

    I’m sorry the experience left you feeling the way you did. It’s unfortunate that some feel anyone over 35 has nothing valuable to say on the subject of sex. I actually wish MORE people in my own age bracket (late 40s) and older would put their opinions and work out there. Yes, getting older can suck big time – just last week I was asked if I wanted a seniors discount, I assume due to the fact that my hair is greying – but what about the voices of experience? Last time I checked there was a lot of value in that! I hope you never stop putting your opinions and expressions out there. You’re one of the best! 🙂

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you. I don’t intend to stop any time soon

      Mollyx

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