This is really just a bit of brain dump of a post inspired by the 5 things prompt which is January: the endless month
The box of the year
And brings out days
That are bright and clear
And brings out days
That are cold and grey
And shouts, “Come see
What I brought today!”
~ Leland B. Jacobs
January: the endless month. It just keeps on and on. You get to about the 20th and it feels like the 200th day of January but for once I am glad of that. January has kind of been a bit of a gift to me.
When it started I was not in a great place. Yes Christmas and New Year had been nice but had also been filled with Covid fears. Also I don’t think I had realised how stressful the last few months of 2021 had been for me with regards to Covid but also relationships. It should have been fun but actually turned out to mostly be challenging and I just kept wondering what was wrong with me. Why was not enjoying it more? Turns out because despite the initial indications we just didn’t really fit. The relief I felt when it was over came as quite a surprise but it also told me that I made the right decision. But yeah, stress!
So I turned back to the dating apps because what were my other options?
By the time the the endless month started I was just in such a anxious and stressed out place. Dating was not a pleasure and not just because of Covid either. The thought of date after date just exhausted me. I had nothing to give. I had pretty much been dating, or using the dating apps since back in June and I was tired of it all. I have come to realise that I both hate dating and am probably pretty bad at it. Maybe that is because I constantly feel like I am in the wrong place or actually with the wrong person and so I quickly become bored or restless or uncomfortable. I hate the bit where you have to say goodbye and they want to kiss you. Or the messages afterwards when they want you to see them again and you don’t. Everything about it makes me anxious. It is my idea of peopling hell.
So in the early part of January I made a decision to deactivate my dating profiles on both the apps I was using.
I wasn’t completely convinced it was the right thing to do….. until the moment I did it and felt like a huge weight had been lifted on my shoulders. Within days I was feeling so much better and the rest of January has actually been a good time for me. I feel happy and content. Calm about things in a way I have not for a long time.
I have read lots of books, 8 in total and done 4 large puzzles. I have written fiction, taken lots of pictures, and done a lot of work. I have done yoga every single day of the month and I am feeling really good both mentally and physically about that. I am set to try and carry that on for the rest of the year. I have spent time with my parents and lots of time with Michael which makes me happy. We have talked a LOT and whilst some of it has been challenging it has been needed and good. We are in a good place. I have sat in my hot tub. I have walked my little doggy. I have laughed and cried and wanked. More than I have done in a while actually. There has even been some kink play that has been so SO good.
Like many things, you often don’t realise how much you miss something or even need it until either it is gone or you get to have it again and it feels like coming home. The kink play has felt like a home coming which has actually given me lots to think about it when it comes to my kinks and my submission. That needs more thought like so many things seem to at the moment but I am OK with that. I feel like I am finding my way again. It’s a bit tentative and unsure but it feels right and good. It feels honest about who I am, what I want and what makes me happy.
So January: the endless month….. for once, thanks for all the days. I needed them.