“For us, when our sexual lifestyle is essential to our sense of identity, anybody who doesn’t know about our kink doesn’t really know us.” ~ Dossie Easton
I saw this quote and it really resonated with me because for the most part people who know me but don’t know about my blog, my photography and that I am kinky only know a limited version of me because those things really are so fundamental to who I am as a person. Clearly not everyone needs to know those things about me but if you are someone who is anyway important in my life then you must know at least some version of me that includes those things.
I am lucky and very privileged to be able to be fairly open about what I do for my work and therefore that reveals something about my kinks too. Even my family, parents and children, know that I write a sex blog etc. My parents have mostly adopted a don’t ask/don’t tell approach to it all but they do ask sometimes about some of my work or if work is going OK. I guess my kids (both adults now) adopt a similar approach. They know about my work and that I am kinky and non-monogamous. They know and have met Michael’s (my nesting partner) girlfriend. They see the mini sex toy keyrings sitting on my desk and the full size ones on my bedside table. It is not something that requires commenting on. It is just a fact of life of living in this house. I have never hidden it from them. They grew up around it. They just accept it about me as I accept them. Sometimes living in a house of four adults can be a lot but on this one subject everyone seems to be totally accepting of each others space and truths.
Telling people you write a sex blog or work in the sex toy industry can be an interesting experience. Mostly people are cool about it. Curious maybe or sometimes actively excited about the idea. Some don’t want to know. They get embarrassed and change the subject. Which is absolutely fine but it tells me that we are probably not my kind of people. Not everyone is and that is a good thing. If we all liked the same thing then the world would be a boring place.
When it comes to dating being kinky was not a huge deal but I found the blog aspect of it was definitely a challenge for some. Again I understand. It is most definitely not for everyone and people who were honest about that I had a lot of respect for but I also got many reactions that were not as respectful. There were those who assumed that because I wrote a sex blog that we could basically skip the chit chat and getting to know each other and get straight to sucking their dick or whatever it is was THEY desired. There were of course those who tried to tell me how to take pictures, or how to write stories or what I could do better but the ones that I found the most unsettling where the ones who, once I shared the blog with them, would vanish on me. Some would stop replying but some would even block me on which ever dating app we were talking on.
I am cool with people not liking it or it putting them off me. It is why I am totally honest and up front about it. Being kinky, writing this blog, taking my pictures and working in the sex toy/adult industry is a huge part of my life and who I am as a person. If you are not going to cool with it then we are definitely not suited and that is absolutely OK. It is better to know that upfront rather than everyone investing in something that is doomed once that is revealed but why can’t you just be upfront about that. Just vanishing on me and even blocking me. I don’t get it. I found it creepy and weird and it kind of made me feel like I had done something wrong or should be ashamed of who I am or what I do.
It was one of the many reasons I have decided to give up on the dating apps for now. The whole process mostly left me exhausted and disillusioned.
So who does really know me?
This is a thought I have pondered a lot in the last few years but particularly in the last 6 to 9 months or so.
My blog has always been a place where I show a vulnerable side of myself but also where I share some really fundamental aspects of who I am as a person and yet as a reader you only know me from my words and pictures. You can’t know what I look like when I sleep, or what clothes I reach for when I want to curl up and feel comfortable. You wouldn’t know what sandwich filling to pick for me if you had to or what drink to order me at the bar and that is OK. You are not supposed to.
The thing I have realised is that there are very few people in this world who truly know me. My kids (but they can only know me as a parent) and my parents (they can only know me as their child). I have a couple of close friends but apart from that there is only one person in this whole world who truly knows me and I think truly accepts me for all that I am. The good, the bad and the ugly so to speak. Because we are all those things and anyone who thinks they are not is deluding themselves. There is no one who even comes even remotely close to knowing me as he does and likewise I believe the same is true for him.
After the last few years when we separated as Dom/sub partners and as lovers etc it is funny to realise that from all that sadness and anger we have somehow stuck with each other and that we have built something new out of it. Something different but something good. Something accepting, something that makes me happy. To be known is a powerful thing. Finding someone to know us is hard, trusting someone enough and finding that in and with another person is, I have come to realise a rare thing. It takes years. It take amazing happy times and truly fucking awful times and willingness to keep on, to evolve and change but to hang on to each other in some way if you can. We didn’t always do that. We both fucked up but maybe that too is part of being truly known.
For those of you wondering does this mean we are back together. Molly and Michael again. Well no. Not in the way you think. There is no going back. No one wants to and also it won’t ever be the same because we have both changed and evolved but there is a way forward and we are wandering down that path together as friends and as people who really and truly know each other.
Note: I wrote this post for the 5 Things meme that is about how you knew you were kinky. I looked for a quote about being kinky and found the one above. Next thing I knew I had written this. It is not exactly about the prompt but the prompt definitely inspired it to hope Julie does not mind me linking it in. I am also linking into SWAP because this posts also feels like something to celebrate.