I have a complicated relationship with exercise. In this post I talk about being bullied, weight gain, loss and exercise. I have found what is healthy for me and makes me feel good about my body. I think all bodies are beautiful and ‘slim’ does not automatically equate to healthy. Finding what makes you feel good about yourself is the most important thing.
Back in 2016 I ran my first 5k race. It was a massive achievement for me and something I am still proud of now. At the time I wrote a whole post about it: Run the good race in which I wrote this
“At school I was the chubby short girl. I was shy, quiet, bookish and nervous and I didn’t, as far I knew, have a sporting bone in my body. I hated PE and went to great length to find ways to get out of out. The whole thing was just utterly traumatic to me. It always brought me into direct contact with the girls who were bullying me and to this day I have yet to decide if the teacher was woefully ignorant of what was happening in her class or actually a bully herself. At the time, it certainly felt like she also had it in for me. She would regularly call on me to answer questions and even demonstrate things to the class that she must have known I couldn’t do and thereby providing yet more public humiliation. Her name was Miss Girling and I loathed her. I left school with the knowledge that physical pursuits where not for me, that I was too heavy, too slow, lacked skill and the competitive nature required to play any kind of sport.”
Over the years I had very slowly but gradually put on weight. Having a partner who took no real exercise himself and also I now realise had a very unhealthy relationship with food didn’t help matters and by my early 30s, post 2 pregnancies, I was the biggest I have ever been. For a long time I had been perfectly happy with the way I looked but one day that changed and I vowed it was time to change things. I lost a lot of weight. It took me nearly 3 years in total. How? We got a dog and I walked her 4 miles every day and ate more vegetables and smaller portions. I not only lost weight but I realised there was a strong link between exercise and my libido. Not that it had ever been low but suddenly it was even MORE than before.
For me exercise is absolutely key to both controlling my weight but I have realised in recent years to my overall health including my mental health. Working from home means that it is very easy to spend a lot of your day really not moving around at all. It would be so easy to move from my bed to my desk and essentially back again via the sofa at the end of the day. For me that would be a disaster not just physically but maybe more importantly mentally because getting out every day gives me time to think as well as gets the blood pumping and both those things not only make me happier but I have discovered over the years make me hornier too.
Sadly I can’t seem to run any more. I have considered trying to train myself back to where I was but a thigh injury that saw me unable to even do my daily walk for about 8+ weeks and required a visit to a physio to finally get better scared me. I don’t want to injure myself like that to the extent that I can’t do anything anymore and even now I still feel that muscle in my thigh twinge sometimes. I think my running days are firmly behind me
However my yoga days are only just starting and if there is any exercise that seems to fire up my libido it turns out that it is yoga. I wrote this about yoga back in March
One of the things I have noticed is that post Yoga workout I nearly always end up masturbating. There is just something about it that by the end leaves me feeling relaxed but also invigorated at the same time. The breathing part of it really does bring me into my physical self and by the end of each session my body feels strong but calm. I kinda wish I had a bit more space in my bedroom to do yoga. Then I could lay out a glass dildo ready and once I am done with my workout lay there on the matt and make myself come.
However the arrival of a ridiculous doggo in our house has put a bit of a dent in my workout routine. I have not done of my weights circuits or a yoga session since the little monster arrived. Not only does he consume a lot of my attention but also he believes if you are down in the floor you are there to play with him. Downward facing dog with a dog licking your face is not the ideal yoga experience. But I miss it and so I have decided that starting next week I am going to get back to it and do Yoga every day as well as my walk. I want to feel stronger again and I want to try and be more toned.
One of the things I really really want though is to have a partner(s) who shares my desires when it comes to food and exercise. Last year when I was with someone I loved the fact that when we ate out we ordered food to share. We both love fish and vegetables and salad etc and we both love walking. We also both like yoga. Yes I caught the yoga bug from him. Sadly in Miami we didn’t get to do any together but I do look forward to the day when we can.
I have come to learn that being with someone who shares my enjoyment of moving around is actually important to me. I want someone who wants to spend their day off walking 5+ miles to the local pub to get lunch and then back again. Or maybe take sandwiches and head out for the whole day. Who looks at their step count at the end of a day exploring a city and is happy that is says 25000+ steps. Who wants to go swimming and walking and do yoga, who enjoys moving their body and yes eating nice food at the end of it all. I want that in my partners.
And if anyone else wants to slip on their walking boots and spend the day with me and my camera covering some miles and then ending the day satisfying our hunger for food and each other then that doesn’t sound like the worst fucking thing ever.
The truth is that the more I move, the stronger and healthier I feel, the better I feel both in and about my body and whilst my body definitely shows the signs of ageing, once being over weight and also having had 2 babies I am also proud of the fact that I managed to make the changes needed to be healthy and happier in my skin even if that skin is a bit soft and round.