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A Broken Spell

Broken glass in window frame with molly in the background for post about broken d/s relationship

If you had told me a year ago that in a year’s time we wouldn’t be in a D/s relationship any more, that our D/s relationship would be broken, I would have probably laughed at you for your farfetched insanity but also maybe had a little panic attack at the thought of that being true. After all being D/s has been central to our relationship since pretty much the absolute beginning. However this is exactly where we find ourselves. Our D/s relationship is broken.

I have been putting off writing this post in the hope that I would be able to write something more along the lines of, so we had some pretty big issues and set aside our D/s as a result but we have worked it out and this is a new beginning but time keeps marching on and whilst we are working on things we are not in that place as yet and both of us felt increasingly uncomfortable with people thinking we were D/s when we were not.

The reasons behind this are all complex and not something that either of us wants to share in huge detail at the moment but it has been something we have been grappling with for a few months now. We set aside our D/s in March. At the time I hoped that we would work through the issues fairly quickly but Eroticon and Cara being here visiting resulted in us putting that on hold while we concentrated on other things. (Just to be clear the issues we are having and the hiatus in our D/s relationship has nothing to do with Cara or her relationship with Michael) Then everything was complicated even further by Michael getting very seriously ill and being in hospital. When you are scared your partner might be facing life changing surgery thrashing out your broken D/s relationship issues does not feel remotely important.

Luckily the surgery was avoided but even though Michael has been home now nearly 2 months his recovery is very slow and ongoing. He has lost a lot of his physical strength and being on a cocktail of drugs which bring some fairly shitty side effects has taken its toll on him but physically and mentally. Again, hardly the time to add the emotional stress and strain of working out how to fix our D/s.

So here we are, something I thought might be for a few weeks or even a month or so has turned into 4+ months as a result of numerous curve balls appearing in our lives. I will be honest and say I absolutely didn’t see any of this coming. I thought our D/s was rock solid. It has been integral to who we are and our relationship for such a long time, one month short of 9 years actually and I truly believed it was set in stone. I was wrong about that. My advice to anyone out there is a D/s relationship; do not assume that it is unbreakable no matter how strong or amazing it seems it is in fact no better than any other relationship maybe in some ways it is actually even more fragile. After all Michael and I are still married and still together we are just not D/s anymore.

One thing that I have learned from all this though is how amazing resilient I am. If you had told me this would happen I would have told you I couldn’t live without being D/s with him that was how strongly I felt about it but it turns out actually I can. Maybe in some ways Michael should take some credit for that because he has over the years constantly built up my strength and self belief and esteem which has ultimately helped me to whether this storm in my world without falling the fuck apart. I have, considering, been remarkably fine through all this.

But that is not to say it has not been tough because it is has. I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions over the last few months, from sadness to anger and a myriad of other complex feelings. I have mourned the loss of our D/s and also felt hope about rebuilding a new version. I have worried about his health, both physical and mental and how that has impacted his work and our life together. In all honesty right now what I am more than anything else is so fucking tired of it all being so damn hard.

So what now?

I hope that we can fix it. We did have a little play the other day with a new paddle someone sent us and it felt good. I was a bit apprehensive just because it had been so long and things have been so complicated and difficult that I was concerned that maybe I just wouldn’t feel it at all but that wasn’t the case. I felt good to feel like that again and afterwards I felt relaxed and happy, not only because it felt good physically but also because it felt good between us. Things are different for sure but they are not gone forever. What we have to do now is rebuild that part of who we are together. There is no going back, the only way is to start over and build something new. It won’t be the same again but that does not mean that different can’t be just as good. Only time will tell if we make it or not.

¬Michael: I am fully responsible for the breakdown in our D/s relationship. I have made a string of terrible decisions that betrayed the trust that Molly had in me. I will not go into the details, but I am deeply ashamed of my actions and can only hope I can help rebuild that which I have so thoughtlessly destroyed. I am sorry to have let everyone down, but most of all I am beyond sorry that I hurt Molly and kitten with my behavior. I have not lived up to being a Dom. I am grateful that Molly has given me a chance to see if we can fix this and maybe get it right in the future.

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  • Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker, Director of Operations @Eroticon Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

  • Show Comments (53)

  • Marie Rebelle

    Love you, my friend!

    Rebel xox

    • Molly Moore

      Love you too x

  • HappyComeLucky

    Sending you love and support! You are stronger than you imagined.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you friend. xxx

  • eye

    Sending love Molly x

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you Eye

  • Eustace Costello

    Ahhhh, you guys. So much resonates. This is a truly beautiful piece and I thank you for it. Brave and honest and true from both of you.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you

  • J. Lynn

    My heart breaks for you. It’s impossible to foresee these things. We all make mistakes and it takes strength and courage to let them go and try again. Best wishes to all of you!

    • Molly Moore

      That is sooo very true. Also not something that happens over night

      Mollyx

  • O

    I have always deeply admired your relationship, and believe in the strength of you both as individuals and as a couple, especially when it comes with the honesty displayed here. I wish all three of you well with whatever is to come, but can see above that the foundations remain strong.

    O

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you lovely

  • violet

    This must have been a hard post to write and I admire that you did. I hope there is some release or catharsis in it for you. Sending thoughts and love to both of you; you’re both so strong and you seem to have such a great foundation, I’m very hopeful that it all becomes what it needs to be.

    • Molly Moore

      It was tricky but once I got going it kinda flowed and actually I feel much better now that it is out there

      Mollyx

  • blossom

    hugs to you that was a very hard and emotional post to write…..stay strong xx

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you

    • Molly Moore

      Thanks

  • Cara Thereon

    You’re super strong and I’m glad you’re my friend. Hugs to you.

    • Molly Moore

      I am so happy you are my friend too

  • May More

    It is difficult to know what to say after reading your post. I met you both in 2018 and marveled at how strong you seemed together. To put this out there is such a courageous thing to do. I truly hope where you go from here works for you – whatever that entails.x

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you May. I hope so too

      Mollyx

  • zak jane keir

    Sending you kind thoughts. Change is part of everything, but it’s hard when it’s happening.

    • Molly Moore

      Yes it is and thank you x

    • Remittance Girl

      I second this.

  • Raven Lee

    Thankyou so much for sharing at what must be such a difficult time in your relationship. I’m so sorry for the (hopefully temporary!) break down in your D/s, and I hope that you are able to get back to that place again.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you for your kind words. I hope so too

      Mollyx

  • Ferns

    I am so sad to read this, I can’t even imagine how hard it was (for both of you) to share it.

    Thank you, though, for doing so. Relationships are hard and D/s is not some magical world where everything is always grand, and telling truths about that is important and powerful.

    I hope you and Michael can work through it and come out happier and stronger, even if it’s different than before.

    Much love to you both.

    Ferns

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you lovely. You are right about D/s and we have always been truthful about how it has worked for us. We have been slow to share this as we try to find our way but it actually feels good to have it out there now

      Mollyx

  • Maître

    So sorry to hear this. Your honesty and grit are what will get you through to a new but different future.

    Love to you both

    Maître

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you

  • Bleue

    Love to you both.

  • Mosscat

    I don’t know you so feel a little impertinent writing this. Your honesty, insight and courage has always impressed me so much. Take care of yourself and let others care for you xxx

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you

  • PurpleSole

    I’m sorry that this is something you’re going through right now, but you are strong and you are awesome. We send our love PS & littlegem.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you

  • Floss

    Bless you both, sending warm and positive thoughts your way xxx

    • Molly Moore

      Thanks Floss

  • C.P. McClennan

    So sad to read this, but the one over riding thought I have is that rebuilding can often make it stronger. I truly wish this for you and Michael.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you old friend

  • missy

    Sending hugs to you both. You are both strong and I am sure that you will find a way that works for you, even if it is not the one you use before and isn’t quite one you are able to pinpoint at the he moment. I am sorry for the pain and anguish that this is obviously causing you both and hope that you will soon be able to regroup. Your honesty is brave and admirable and I think we can all learn from this post.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you lovely. It’s been a tough time for sure

      mollyx

  • MariaSibylla

    Love to you both. ❤️❤️❤️

  • Violet Grey

    I’m really sorry to read this, Molly. Lots of hugs and support to you and Michael xxx

  • Jupiter Grant

    Sending you both hugs and good wishes as you navigate your way through this change in your relationship 💐

  • Victoria Blisse

    I’m glad you’ve found writing this cathartic and I’m sending lots of love and hugs to you as you go through this change and deal with all the associated feelings and ‘stuff’. I can’t offer much, but if I can help at all to ease your burdens, you know where I am.

  • Posy Churchgate

    Gosh Molly, what an honest and open post you wrote, so sincere and yet measured and not unnecessarily emotional. Your blog is your space and if it made you feel better to share this and get your thoughts in order, then it is a wonderful vehicle.

    I, like so many others who’ve read and commented, admired your D/s relationship, lived 24/7 amongst all the family and work pressures and influences. Although not experienced with that side of things, I do know how a major illness can totally blindside your sex life, your view of yourself as a sexual being and the balance of power (as he has been weak, you have needed to be strong). Throw some major medication into the mix ~ you have big adjustments right there. These take time to acclimatise to and sometimes things dont get back to how they were. You find yourself in a new position & must navigate forward from there.

    Trust, yeah that’s a big issue. I hope you guys can work through this. With communication and love and strong foundations (which you seem to have in spades) it can be done, but as you say, it takes work, time and determination. Sending you love and support.

    • Molly Moore

      Thanks Posy. Him being ill has definitely added to this issues for sure

      mollyx

  • Lexy

    It’s hard to know what to say to add to everyone here except to say I read this and my heart goes out to you. It is a terrible feeling to lose something that means so much. I hope that in the rebuilding you find new strength and connection and that this difficult time will soon start to feel like part of the past.

  • Mrs TeePot

    I think your honesty in sharing this will help many others in similar situations feel less alone. Relationships are complicated, evolving, things, all relationships. We all make mistakes and go through things and stuff changes, I think it’s so important to be honest about that.
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this though and I sincerely hope you can rebuild something that works for all of you. Take care of yourselves

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you lovely x

  • Cousin Pons

    So sad to read about your troubles Molly. I hope life improves for you and Michael.x

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