When I look up submissive or submission in the dictionary I am greeted with such words as ‘meek’ ‘obedient’ ‘passive’ and compliant an I can only assume that these strict dictionary definitions have in many ways contributed to the many myths that surround submission and submissive within the context of BDSM. I am a submissive woman (I know, not really news to you lot) in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my Dom and husband. We both work from home and so we pretty much spend all day everyday together. It is utter bliss and yet someone said to me the other day, ‘isn’t that hard work, being submissive all day long?’ Say what?
My issues with this question are many, but first let me say, I love questions, you learn so much from questions and I always encourage people to ask them of me, especially when it relates to this subject area but sometimes questions make you realise that some people just don’t get it AT ALL. Anyway, back to the actual question…
Firstly the implication with this question is that being submissive is some form of act on my part which I engage in just to please him, that me being submissive is purely beneficial to him. I truly think that this person believed that I spent my day running around behind him catering to his every whim whilst bowing and scraping with a ‘yes sir, no sir’ response. Let me assure you, nothing could be further from the truth, although I do call him Sir I am not a domestic servitude type of sub.
Secondly the D/s part of our relationship is not something we switch on and off. Now for some people it is, this does not make them any less Dom or sub by the way it just means there D/s relationship works differently for them than it does with us
Thirdly why would I chose to be submissive if it was ‘hard work’. Surely a lifestyle choice such as this, is only one you would choose, if it enhanced who you were and your relationship. So yet again we are back to the idea that within a D/s relationship the person who benefits the most is the Dom.
To answer the question directly, no, it is not hard work to be submissive all day long, it is not a conscious act or performance on my part is a natural to me as being married. Change the word in the question from submissive to married and that is in essence what you are asking me. Oh and before you tell me being married can be hard work, I am not denying that but in the context of the question that was clearly not the version of ‘hard work’ that was being referred to.
I suspect by now you are wondering why on earth I am telling you all this and there is a reason, apart from me just waffling on, and that is I am constantly faced by people’s misunderstanding and prejudice when it comes to being a submissive and not just from people who have no experience of BDSM, D/s or kink but from people who do. On top of this there is all the D/s erotic fiction that is out there (and I am referring to published erotic fiction here) which I am sad to say may on occasion make my cunt wet but rarely can I identify with it as having anything remotely connected to my life. Yes we all like to escape into a book now and then and Count Bonkalot in his large gothic castle with his servants and dungeons and deviant ways is not a bad way to go but these books have little to do with a nurturing, fulfilling, passionate, loving D/s relationship and then on top of this we have 50 Shades, and all its look-a-likes, that portray submission and D/s in a very narrow, and for most people within these relationships, incorrect light.
So, and yes I am about to get to my point, one of the sessions I am running at next months Eroticon Conference is called Myth busting: the submissive woman and it my chance to try to challenge some of the myth that surround submission and D/s relationships both in the real world and also within erotic fiction. The session is not that long considering the amount of possible material one could include and I also do not wish to spend the majority of the time talking at the audience because I am certain they are a bright and fairly well-informed bunch to start off with and so I am hoping that by allowing them to contribute with questions it will help to open up the session to debate and allow varying view points to be aired. However I do have some key areas that I want to cover but I also want to give you, yes any of you, the opportunity to contribute too. I have a series of questions for you. The first 3 are aimed at those of you who identify in some way with the label submissive (they are aimed at submissive women but I am always interested to hear from submissive men too) and the last 2 are for ALL of you. Answer as many or as few of them as you like. You can either leave your answer here in the comment sections, email them to me [email protected] or else post them on your own blog if you so wish and let me know they are there.
- What are top 5 myths/beliefs you would like to dispel about submissive women?
- As a submissive woman… use up to 5 words to describe you or your submission?
- In erotic fiction what are the most common ‘wrongs’ you come across that don’t work for you a submissive woman?
- If you could ask a submissive woman any question what would it be?
- If you could ask ME any question what would it be?
Ps… If you are coming to my session on the day there will be the facility to ask questions anonymously as well!
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