The Power Of No

by Molly Moore
Woman wearing chains

No means no, or does it? The prompt this week on Wicked Wednesday is ‘No’ and of course everyone knows that no means no but what about when it doesn’t mean no? What about when No actually means yes, don’t stop, similar to when ‘you can’t make me’ or ‘please don’t make me’ actually means ‘Come on you fucker, make me!’? Suddenly we are leaping into a grey area that blurs the lines of consent.

So let’s start with consent. Obviously in most cases no means exactly that. It is a word that in my opinion many people need a lot more educating about when it is used within the context of consent. No matter what the situation, if someone is communicating ‘a no’ then you bloody well stop and find out why. Consent is not something to be danced around or coerced out of someone and it is certainly not something that should ever be violated. However all this becomes a little trickier when saying ‘no’ and all the other negative phrases that go along with it actually get you off. Suddenly ‘no’ is something a great deal more complicated. Obviously I still need to be able to communicate a negative response but if that word was actually ‘no’ then things would go awry and so this is where a safeword comes in for me.

Of course it is important to point out that safewords only work within the confines of an agreement, your average drunk with wandering hands in the pub is not going to have a clue what you are on about when you turn round and tell him aardvark (not my safeword by the way) about his inappropriate groping, in this case, no is the word you will be looking for and it definitely means exactly that.

A major part of my kink/submission is needing to be manhandled, put in my place and MADE to submit. It is not all the time but it is certainly a strong and powerful kink for me and one that I get off on. I like the fight; I like the roughness that comes with it, the hair pulling, the biting, the spanking, the bondage, but most of all the need for him to exert his physical superior strength over me. I want to know I don’t have an option; I want my clothes torn, my wrists held and my resistance broken. I want, no, I need him to hold me down and as part of that aspect of my kink I will fight, or sometimes beg and cry and plead for him to stop but if he did? Ha! That thought makes me laugh as I know I would be like…. “Huh? Why did you stop? Don’t stop now things where just getting really interesting.” I would be disappointed and probably very frustrated.

So, why is there a need for me to still be able to stay no? Because for us to play with this kink, to really explore it and let both of us got off on it then we need to know that if something is seriously wrong that it can still be communicated without having to take away a very powerful and deeply erotic part of my (our) kink. My safeword is essentially my no, freeing up the word no to actually be something that can be ignored, tortured, teased and laughed at as it is denied to me. Some people would argue that if I trusted him enough, or he knew me well enough a safeword would not be needed. I disagree with that completely. A safeword does not keep us safe, it does not stop things going wrong, and it is not a magic word that fixes everything but it is another form of communication that we use. He knows that no matter what is happening if I use that word something is wrong and that does not just apply to when we are playing, it applies to all situations. I have rarely used it outside of play but on a couple of occasions I have and in that respect it has certainly helped us identity some daemons that have been carried over from previously relationships and stopped them inadvertently being triggered by what would seem to be completely random innocent acts. Of course I have also used it when we play, it means when I had cramp, or my ankle was twisted painfully in the cuffs or an eyelash was threatening to blind me, I was easily able to communicate that by only saying one word and then there are the times he likes to make me say it; Pushing me harder and harder, deeper and deeper until I am riding the crest of the wave of pain and pleasure. By having that word I can find that space of denial and begging within my head and when I am crashing off that wave and needing it to stop I don’t have to explain that, I don’t have to make sentences, or change the tone of my voice, or hope he knows my body language well enough, I just get to mutter my word.

I need the word ‘no’ to be able to spill from my mouth as he ties me down, I need to be able to beg him to stop, to leave me alone, I need to be able to call him names and hiss and swear, because it gets me off. (And him too) For us no, doesn’t mean no, it doesn’t mean stop, it doesn’t mean anything like that. It means make me, hurt me, do it because you can, take it because you want it and listen to me whimpering no at you while the tears trickle down my face and more importantly the juices gather between my thighs leaving a welcoming trail of sticky liquid for you to find. So you see for me no, rarely means no, no nearly always means more.

Woman wearing chains


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jemima101 May 7, 2013 - 11:12 pm

I love this, it is a wonderful insight into your kink, and i thank you for it. But even as someone who doesnt have a safeword, except I suppose for no, it explains perfectly why it is all about consent.

It has also helped me sort out my post in my head 🙂

John D May 7, 2013 - 11:23 pm

You said in a far better way what I glossed over in my WW post earlier: “Furthermore, me shouting “no” during many things we do, doesn’t necessarily mean “no” – that’s what the safewords are for – and it’s up to my wife on how to interpret my pleas!”

Really interesting read; as someone very new to “serious” BDSM I do like reading other people’s kink … for ideas if nothing else!

Lord Raven May 7, 2013 - 11:41 pm

Well said. I like my safe word to be something so out of place that is actually stops the scene. Why did she say pickles? Is she hungry? Just my 2 cents on the idea. Great post.

Cammies on the floor May 8, 2013 - 12:37 am

I love how vividly you can describe, how rationally you can explain. Very eloquent, and my husband also knows that my no doesn’t mean no, nor does stop. Though we haven’t played around with anything serious enough to have safeword, we are open and discussing what the word would be if ever needed.

KaziG May 8, 2013 - 1:54 am

I love how you describe it, I could only keep saying YES!! all the way through… 🙂

~Kazi xxx

Jade May 8, 2013 - 5:54 am

I do love this explanation of why and how a safeword works for you. It makes perfect sense, and is actually how I have heard it used by others, to enhance and facilitate their CNC play.

Silverdrops May 8, 2013 - 7:10 am

Wonderful explanation, as usual. I think you have to know someone pretty well in order to understand the word no and all its nuances.

Babefiend May 8, 2013 - 8:37 am

Another great post Molly, you explain things so eloquently.

I completely relate, I need the fight. I need to be manhandled and put in my place, restrained, objecting and saying “no” – but not really meaning it. It’s a huge part of what gets me off.

Thank you for sharing and explaining this so well.

Mia May 8, 2013 - 8:59 am

Brilliant explanation! Myself and my BF also use a safeword (and if I am gagged or have my mouth full of something hand signs).

So many people do not always see the importance of the safeword but here you have explained just how important they can be as well as showing how powerfully “no” can mean “yes” in the BDSM environment!

~Mia~ xx

Harper Eliot May 8, 2013 - 12:05 pm

I couldn’t agree more… No is a very complicated word.

Jane May 8, 2013 - 3:19 pm

I love how you describe safewords as working to ‘free’ the word ‘no’. That’s such a great way of putting it. The word, without its usual constraints, has so much scope and can unlock so much. Jane xxx

Marie Rebelle May 8, 2013 - 6:19 pm

Thank you, Molly, for taking the challenge of the word NO and describing so clearly what it is and what it’s not, especially in the BDSM lifestyle.

Rebel xox

PS: I chuckled at the word aardvark as it comes from my native language 🙂

Lusciously_Lou May 8, 2013 - 8:50 pm

I had to go back and read this again. So powerful and such an insight into your personal situation. Made me really think about a few things .. especially your point about not needing a safe word as someone mentioned this to me recently and I thought they were crackers .. so at least I know I was right ..!

geekynymph May 9, 2013 - 4:55 am

Yes, exactly. I am happy for you both that you get to explore that together; it sounds beautiful. x

Bunny May 9, 2013 - 7:25 am

Safewords outside of play is a very smart concept. I really like the thought of that when approaching some personal trauma. I may need to request to Silver that he and I implement this as well as I know both he and I have some mental trauma with bad triggers.

Thanks as ever for sharing your relationship. I always like reading what you have to say 🙂

Aaron Doherty May 9, 2013 - 10:36 pm

A very powerful piece and I completely understand everything you have written here. Loved reading it x

Scarlet May 12, 2013 - 9:18 pm

Very lovely read, I have always been in the same boat about the word no when I say it.

Heather Cole May 17, 2013 - 8:31 pm

I find myself saying “no” when I think I can’t take one more moment of sadistic attention, but as you so eloquently explained, “no” doesn’t mean “stop.” Sometimes merely vocalizing it allows me to accept more. There are so many nuances to that little word, and you’ve described some of them beautifully. ~Heather

TheSinDoll May 18, 2013 - 6:33 am

It’s consensual nonconsent in a very comfortable way. It’s a wonderful way to grow and discover things about yourself. But that takes… so much trust and understanding and just a foundation built into a mountain.

Blogger positivity: my Friday night wank - On Queer Street July 24, 2018 - 3:15 pm

[…] Molly’s Daily Kiss – The Power Of No […]

ShareBear - Cara Thereon September 29, 2018 - 4:04 pm

[…] An older post, but one from Molly I thought was worth sharing. Consent and negotiation are important in a relationship, as are safewords. She talks about the Power of No […]


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