No means no, or does it? The prompt this week on Wicked Wednesday is ‘No’ and of course everyone knows that no means no but what about when it doesn’t mean no? What about when No actually means yes, don’t stop, similar to when ‘you can’t make me’ or ‘please don’t make me’ actually means ‘Come on you fucker, make me!’? Suddenly we are leaping into a grey area that blurs the lines of consent.
So let’s start with consent. Obviously in most cases no means exactly that. It is a word that in my opinion many people need a lot more educating about when it is used within the context of consent. No matter what the situation, if someone is communicating ‘a no’ then you bloody well stop and find out why. Consent is not something to be danced around or coerced out of someone and it is certainly not something that should ever be violated. However all this becomes a little trickier when saying ‘no’ and all the other negative phrases that go along with it actually get you off. Suddenly ‘no’ is something a great deal more complicated. Obviously I still need to be able to communicate a negative response but if that word was actually ‘no’ then things would go awry and so this is where a safeword comes in for me.
Of course it is important to point out that safewords only work within the confines of an agreement, your average drunk with wandering hands in the pub is not going to have a clue what you are on about when you turn round and tell him aardvark (not my safeword by the way) about his inappropriate groping, in this case, no is the word you will be looking for and it definitely means exactly that.
A major part of my kink/submission is needing to be manhandled, put in my place and MADE to submit. It is not all the time but it is certainly a strong and powerful kink for me and one that I get off on. I like the fight; I like the roughness that comes with it, the hair pulling, the biting, the spanking, the bondage, but most of all the need for him to exert his physical superior strength over me. I want to know I don’t have an option; I want my clothes torn, my wrists held and my resistance broken. I want, no, I need him to hold me down and as part of that aspect of my kink I will fight, or sometimes beg and cry and plead for him to stop but if he did? Ha! That thought makes me laugh as I know I would be like…. “Huh? Why did you stop? Don’t stop now things where just getting really interesting.” I would be disappointed and probably very frustrated.
So, why is there a need for me to still be able to stay no? Because for us to play with this kink, to really explore it and let both of us got off on it then we need to know that if something is seriously wrong that it can still be communicated without having to take away a very powerful and deeply erotic part of my (our) kink. My safeword is essentially my no, freeing up the word no to actually be something that can be ignored, tortured, teased and laughed at as it is denied to me. Some people would argue that if I trusted him enough, or he knew me well enough a safeword would not be needed. I disagree with that completely. A safeword does not keep us safe, it does not stop things going wrong, and it is not a magic word that fixes everything but it is another form of communication that we use. He knows that no matter what is happening if I use that word something is wrong and that does not just apply to when we are playing, it applies to all situations. I have rarely used it outside of play but on a couple of occasions I have and in that respect it has certainly helped us identity some daemons that have been carried over from previously relationships and stopped them inadvertently being triggered by what would seem to be completely random innocent acts. Of course I have also used it when we play, it means when I had cramp, or my ankle was twisted painfully in the cuffs or an eyelash was threatening to blind me, I was easily able to communicate that by only saying one word and then there are the times he likes to make me say it; Pushing me harder and harder, deeper and deeper until I am riding the crest of the wave of pain and pleasure. By having that word I can find that space of denial and begging within my head and when I am crashing off that wave and needing it to stop I don’t have to explain that, I don’t have to make sentences, or change the tone of my voice, or hope he knows my body language well enough, I just get to mutter my word.
I need the word ‘no’ to be able to spill from my mouth as he ties me down, I need to be able to beg him to stop, to leave me alone, I need to be able to call him names and hiss and swear, because it gets me off. (And him too) For us no, doesn’t mean no, it doesn’t mean stop, it doesn’t mean anything like that. It means make me, hurt me, do it because you can, take it because you want it and listen to me whimpering no at you while the tears trickle down my face and more importantly the juices gather between my thighs leaving a welcoming trail of sticky liquid for you to find. So you see for me no, rarely means no, no nearly always means more.
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