I have learnt something about myself in the last couple of days. Sir is away in America for work. I have been dreading this trip for months now but I decided that rather than worry about it I would put it from my mind and deal with when it happened. It can’t be that bad after all it is only 2 weeks and we have spent much longer apart in the past. How wrong was I?
What I have learnt is that over the last 13 months that he has been here I have come to rely on him, I have learnt to love him even more than I did, which I didn’t know was even possible and we have settled into an easy routine. I hope that doesn’t sound boring as nothing about our life together is boring. It is fun, happy, exciting, loving, nurturing, challenging, and sometimes completely insane but I love it. It is not always perfect, like all relationships we have our moments but that is all part of ride and far as I am concerned and even those moments only serve to bring us closer together.
As the days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months the horror of all the time apart in the past has slipped away and I have got used to him being here with me but then all of a sudden on Monday he was gone. Imagine a drug that you are slowly day by day drip fed. You learn to live off it, it makes you feel happy and safe and loved and sexy and intelligent and crazy and passionate and brave and strong and desirable. It is heady stuff indeed and it is all yours, then suddenly someone takes it away and you are expected to carry on as if nothing has happened.
At first you are able to convince your mind that this is all completely OK but then tiredness kicks, everyday pressures build stress, you get your fucking period, the roof in the study starts leaking, the light in the garage stops working, the kids need your attention ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME, the dinner needs cooking, your ex husband is on the phone, your bed is cold and empty and the one thing that you can always turn to for support is gone. You can’t even call him, you have to wait patiently for him to Skype you and it is at that point that no matter how much you tell your mind that this is all fine and you can cope without your drug of choice you are in fact wrong and suddenly it becomes abundantly clear just how addicted and reliant you have become.
Should I have kept a little something back inside me? Maybe if I had I would be able to find it again now that he is temporarily gone but on the other hand I didn’t marry this man in order to live out an everyday humdrum life I married him because he completed me. Because he is the missing part of me, because with him I am happier, braver, nicer, calmer and stronger, because with him I am shiny version of myself and if I had kept something back and not immersed myself in us then quite frankly what would have been the fucking point?
I have always said that just because I am submissive does not mean I am weak and I still stand by that statement. Just admitting that you are submissive is in itself a pretty brave step but it takes a real strength of character to go from acknowledging you’re submissive to actually submitting to someone. You cannot give away something you do not already own and giving away something that makes you so very vulnerable takes strength but in that process you allow yourself to become vulnerable. Living a 24/7 D/s relationship is, by its nature, intense. You build a strong commitment to one another, a deep level of trust and an ability to communicate on a very deep level, or least we have but it would seem that the very thing that most of the time builds me up has on this occasion been my downfall.
Maybe we have both been naive about that, maybe we didn’t plan for this trip very well, maybe I am just being utterly pathetic, maybe hormones are doing their best to fuck me up when I am least able to cope with it, maybe I love him too much (how could this be a bad thing?) maybe I rely on him too much (isn’t that what being married is about?) maybe I am not as strong as I thought or maybe I am just so hopelessly and utterly addicted to my drug that right at this very moment, as I sit here shivering, with puffy eyes, a throbbing headache, a sore throat, an ache in my back that feels like my muscles are performing some sort of spasmodic dance, I am in fact going cold turkey.
Will I do anything differently when he returns? Have I learnt my lesson and realised that I need to not give so much of myself to us and this life we share. Will I take my drug in more measured tones in future? Well what do you think? Do I look like the type of girl who goes for the sensible option?
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