I am submissive. I know this is probably not a shock to many of you but bear with me this opening sentence is important.
Yesterday Sir and I read a number of journalistic articles that had been written in criticism of another article. The subject that connects all these pieces is the novel The Fifty Shades OF Grey. Like a nasty case of head lice no matter where I look on the internet at the moment I seem to end up reading about this book, or reading about someone’s opinion of someone’s opinion about this book and nearly everything I read makes me cross. You see all these commentaries on the book talk about being submissive as if it was a theory, a fantasy, a subject to read about. If I read a version of this line ‘What we really have to ask ourselves is why are woman attracted to reading about this subject?’ or even worse ‘Why do independent, young, educated, career women still secretly harbour the fantasy of submitting to a man?’ Obviously I have paraphrased these quotes but as I said I have read some version or other of this sentiment over and over again and it makes my fucking blood boil!
Firstly the notion that this is some filthy secret that woman are holding onto, that even though we are educated and ‘free’ we still all long to be chained to the kitchen sink. Secondly there is the hidden undertone that being submissive means you cannot be ‘independent’ or ‘have a career’, which implies that submissiveness goes hand in hand with what? Lack of intelligence? Lack of ambition? Lack of imagination? Or the best and most common one of all seems to be weakness. Poor weak women who all secretly want to be dominated by a man….
Of course all these articles don’t really spell it out so bluntly but you read enough of them you will find there is a common theme running through all them and that is that really and truly, at the end of the day, is that it is only a book and these are just fantasies that woman have, after all we have fantasies but that doesn’t mean we act on them… does it!? So in conclusion, these writers seem to be saying, we shouldn’t worry too much, woman like to have fantasies and read about them, that doesn’t mean they actually want to do it. I mean really… spanking?
It is this attitude that is starting to make my blood BOIL. The concept that it is OK for woman to have these fantasies and read this quirky little novels as they rush to and from their high-powered jobs, or make lunch for their strong and healthy brood whilst managing their on-line home business or charity or school board or whatever it is they do to show they are not just a stay at home mum. I have not read a single article that has asked the question, do woman live in D/s relationships, if they do what are they like? The media seems to be happy comforting itself with the fact that this is just fiction…. aww bless, women now have their own Harry Potter world to indulge in.
Can you tell I am angry? I fucking hope so. You see I am submissive. I like to be used and abused. My body craves the touch of his hand, the twisting pull of my hair, the rise of heat in my skin as he spanks or flogs me, the blood running down the back of the my legs after he has used the vampire gloves on me. I want to be tied down, legs spread and fucked by him for his pleasure. I want him to cum on my face and watch while it drips down my chin onto my tits, I want to be marked, bruised and sore from his touch. I want to be made to throb and ache and beg and cry. I want to be on my knees in front of him, I want to be destroyed by my desire to do these things and then I want him to pick me up and fix me…. until the next time
There is more though, I don’t want to be in charge all the time, I have spent most of my life doing that. It makes me anxious and stressed. I can do it, but it is not a place I blossom and thrive in. Oh I can hear you thinking, ‘she needs a man to be able to manage her life for her.’ NO! I want a man who can live my life with me, who can harness the parts of me that need him to be strong and a leader but also knows when to step back and just let me be me. I don’t want a bully or someone with a controlling nature; I don’t want arbitrary decisions just because he says so. I want to talk and negotiate and be heard and acknowledged. I want to be seen and known and understood.
When I first meet Sir I said to him, if you are looking for a woman who is going to stand quietly in the corner, bowing and scraping to your every need, washing the dishes, cooking the meals and cleaning your socks then you have come to the wrong place. I am submissive, not a servant*. I want to be shown that you are worthy to be followed. If anyone mentions topping from the bottom at this point it would be a mistake as I might just rear up and eat their face off. Expecting my Dom to show me that he is the right man for me is not topping from the bottom, Surely getting down on my knees and sucking someone’s cock JUST cause they tell me too would make me fucktard not a submissive. Disagree at your peril…
Am I weak for being submissive? I don’t think so and if you know me or have met me I am fairly confident that you would agree with me. Being submissive to him does not make me a weak person, in fact I truly belief that being that self-aware and confident in my own needs and desires and willing to act on them actually takes a great deal of strength and trust in yourself. Yet all I read in the media seems to imply that submission = weakness and that woman are somehow selling themselves short by being submissive. I challenge that. If I hid my desire for this or denied it because of what people might think wouldn’t that be the weakness? By standing up and saying this is me and I want this, knowing myself like this and learning about my desires and needs, that has been empowering, fulfilling, liberating, challenging and most of all satisfying but weakening?
I am submissive, I am a Mother, I am a woman, I am a slut, I am a writer, I am a photographer, I am daughter, I am British, I am sexy, I am intelligent, I am impatient, I am scared of balloons, I am in love, I am a good friend, I am complicated, I am needy, I am passionate, I am unsure, I am highly self-critical, I hate being late, I hate the rain, I hate the cold, I hate rules (I know, go figure?!) I am thoughtful, I am forgetful, I am a thinker, and I am His. I am brave enough to start that sentence with I am submissive because I am not ashamed of it despite the fact that everything I read in the media at the moment which is telling me this is just a genre of fiction, I know different. I am not a work, a fiction, I am a woman. If being gay was written about in the same way that being submissive is currently being written about in the press with all its judgements, ill-informed rhetoric and implications that it is just a fantasy world for people there would be uproar.
I don’t really give a crap whether the book is written well or not or whether you have enjoyed reading it or not, this is not about the book. What I do care about is the way submission is being written about within the popular media. The implication that by being submissive is somehow a betrayal of woman’s rights, that it is a backward step for woman into the dark ages, that submission is about being a housewife, that sexual kink is a fantasy we can read about, that being open about your sexuality if you are a submissive woman is frowned upon. At best they seem just about able to acknowledge that woman might at times enjoy some bedroom kink but cannot even begin to entertain the idea that woman, who go to work, have families, jobs, responsibilities, thoughts in their head and intelligent opinion, can also be submissive. It seems that being submissive is something to be ashamed of, it is something no self-respecting woman would actually openly admit too. As I read in an article the other day… “Woman don’t want to be spanked they just want to spank (insert name of woman who said she wanted to be spanked) into silence”. In all these articles I have read there is not one genuine submissive woman having her say. I know you are out there, I read your blogs, or your tweets, or go out to dinner with a whole group of you. You are women who work full-time jobs, who run companies, have employees, children, businesses of their own, successful writers, photographers, artists, and so many other things besides, none of you are weakened by your submission, in fact quite the opposite and yet you are silent or should I say silenced because the media has decided they are only comfortable with you as a work of fiction.
Just to be clear, I have not read the book Fifty Shades of Grey and at this point in time don’t intend too. From what I have read about it, it has as much to do with being submissive as Interview with a Vampire does about being a journalist. It is a work of fiction about 2 people but unlike Interview with a Vampire it touches upon a lifestyle and a sexuality that many people identify with. I can’t comment for sure on whether it is a good read or not and as I said above this rant is not about the book is it about the fact that submission, in particular submissive woman, are being talked about as genre of fiction rather than real life fully functioning people. It is about the fact that the media only seems comfortable talking about submission in terms of fantasy and writing and not in terms of lifestyle and choice. To those people who continue to write about female submission in the same way they write about vampires….
Ps… *(I am aware that for some people servitude is something they do want, I am not knocking that just saying, it is not me) and sorry I have not linked to any of the articles but there really are tons of them and they all say roughly the same thing. Google is your friend
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