16th November 2011
It has been a bit of a tricky week so far, and it is only Wednesday. Monday morning we woke up to the news that there had been a death in Sir’s family back in the States and after much anxious waiting and trying to get in touch with people a flight was booked and suddenly I am faced with probably my biggest fear. He is leaving. I never expected this; I thought the first time he went back it would be planned, I would be ready for it and really and truly I hoped that I would go with him but of course that can’t happen. I have to stay here.
I am trying very hard to hang onto the fact that he will be gone for a little over a week but right now a week feels like a very long time. You see the problem with this is all the odd fears and horrors at being apart have come flooding back into my mind. Just writing that sentence made me gasp for breath as I could feel the anxiety tighten through my chest.
I feel utterly and totally selfish; it is not like he is jetting off for a lovely holiday is it? That doesn’t help either. I don’t care where or why he is going I want to go too. I am so fed up of being the one who gets left behind to ‘hold the fort’. Again, this is not about Sir but about past relationship ghosts rearing their ugly head.
It wasn’t meant to be this way. He just got his leave to remain visa in the UK last week. Finally we were settled, married, happy, together and no one could make him go back, or so I thought. Yet here I am, faced with a good-bye that makes me want to crawl into the nearest duvet cave and hide.
I also feel pathetic. I keep trying to verbally whip myself into shape. For fuck sake woman, it is only a week, he doesn’t want to go, etc etc but then when I think what it is going to be like all I can see is Skype, time zones, no text messages, crossing my fingers that the internet doesn’t go down because if it does then my ability to reach him is gone, an empty and cold bed, waking on my own, coping, existing. That’s it you know, when we are apart I don’t live, I don’t grow or develop or trust or relax all I do when he is not here is exist and I am fed up of existing. There was meant to be no more existing and there was meant to be no more going away and yet life or should I say death has changed all that.
I wish I could close my eyes and open them again and it was next Friday, then I can step forward into the day and live again. I wish this wasn’t happening and I wish I wasn’t going to be on my own, again. But it is only for a week, right?
Ps.. Sorry this is not very wanton or wanky for that matter, it is the sad and pathetic ramblings of a woman who is totally and utterly addicted to the man who owns her and in case you are wondering no I don’t feel good about writing this post or proud of it. It is just words that had to come out. Forgive me