“Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” – Gloria Steinem
This quote feels very appropriate for life right now as planning is pretty much out the window at the moment. Who knows if this Lockdown will end when they say it will and even if it does I fear that it will mean we can go back to the shops and the pub but not to seeing people beyond that which means I still won’t get to see any of my partners or my friends in the way that I am dreaming of.
I thought I would be OK with this pause, that it would be easier than last time but actually the opposite is true. I am finding it much harder than last time. I think some of that is because the last never really ended for me. Yes I got to spend some time with MJ, started my relationship with The Gentleman and was just starting to feel my way with a bit more kink play with someone too but in the scheme of things those moments where fleeting. Amazing in the moment but then over too soon and for now set aside until some day.
I think that is hardest thing about all this. That you can’t plan. You can’t say, well it’s hard now but on the so and so I will get to spend time with X so that is something to look forward to. You can only look forward to the idea of it, hoping that something will fall into place and it will happen. The one thing that I hold on to though is knowing that those people are as invested as me, they want it to happen as much as I do and when there is a way everyone definitely has the will for it.
So for now all I have are dreams based on memories and desire. That one day there will days like in this picture again with joy and passion and fabulous fucking that feeds my soul and makes me happy. I dream of those day, I savour those memories and long for them to be possible again.