I took this picture last year. (Last year I posted this image from that trip – Poppies, Poppies, Poppies) In fact I took it on this exact date last year, 27th June. Oh how times change. For a start it was a blistering hot day which is most definitely is not this year but also despite the fact I was hurtling towards a breakup and life seemed hard and complicated in hindsight it really had nothing on the 27th June 2020.
Oddly this pictures feels like both a lifetime ago and also just yesterday. Time is weird at the moment, it both fast and slow. It feels like we have been locked in plague hell forever. This new way of living is hard and scary and more and more I realise is having a fairly profound effect on me. In theory I could now maybe think about meeting up with people. I both like the idea and feel anxious about it in equal measure. I know I need to see people.
This week, like last, I have utterly failed at Every Damn Day in June. Whereas last week I felt OK about it, this week I feel annoyed and disappointed with myself. I have so many things I want to write about and ideas for images but I seem to be unable to actually get on with any of them. I am paralysed with worry and anxiety and fear and sadness.
I miss having a companion. I miss being touched. I miss intimacy. I miss the cadence and rhythm of sharing a life with someone. I miss making plans. That is possibly the worse thing about ALL of this is that we can’t even make a plan. We can’t agree a date, or book a thing. I find myself so angry at the world right now. It is not good for me and to be honest I am hoping that writing this, that letting some of this out might help a bit. We shall see… (Spoiler… see note at the bottom but it worked perfectly and I feel 100 times better for letting it all out here)
Despite all this, and this might sound wild considering what I have just written, I also know I will be OK. That I will navigate myself through this and that at some point something will change. I am absolutely confident in my resilience and ability to find a way through. Yes this week has been hard for me, I feel worn down, tired and sad but this image reminds me that happiness can be found in small things and I need to focus on that and try even harder to just lean into life right now.
Also note to self: Stop staring at the screen and write stuff. You feel better, so much better, when you do as writing this post has shown you. Also you can still write, even though you have spent all week slowly believing more and more that you don’t know how to anymore. What you have forgotten is that you just need to get started, which is not the same as not being able to any more. You have 3 days of Every Damn Day in June left, finish on a high note women.
The poppies are so beautiful, and your words are touching.
I hope you find a way to start seeing people again
Such vibrant colour, I feel like I smell the poppies! Another gorgeous image Molly x
Absolutely beautiful image, Molly!
I honestly just want to hop down the screen and give you a hug <3 I have left your image to last to comment on because I really want to say something to make you feel better but in all honesty, I know there is the only person who can do that and I truly hope that you get to see him soon.
Much love, my friend Xx <3
The image is beautiful – I’ve never seen a field of poppies like this! A UK phenomenon? – but as usual it is your words that resonate so deeply with me. The fear, the sadness, feeling paralyzed…and oh yes, the inability to *plan* your life out. Wondering if this is it, the way it always will be? I know it won’t, but sometimes it feels like it will. Hang in there, my darling friend. We’ll make it through.
I hear you. I feel you. I really do. For me, the freedom to have a few (highly vetted) people to sit with me in my yard and have a conversation has made a world of difference. But I know what you mean about the inability to plan. It really hurts not to have a definitive end date to when we’ll be able to do shit again.
I hope you keep finding things that help <3
First of all … that is such a lovely, lovely photo. I just love all those reds surrounding you and yet ones eye is constantly drawn back to you, strong and beautiful !!!
And that is why you are right, you WILL be OK.
I KNOW you will !!!
Xxx – K
I feel this whole post. The despair and the hope… a big virtual hug to you. I am also looking for the light at the end of this plague induced tunnel and even tho we can’t see it quite yet, be assured it is there.
Gorgeous image, as usual! I love poppies…especially an entire field of them. And I hear you on the plans. I think that is the hardest part…the not knowing.
A beautiful image!
I wish you every kind of happiness there is!
All I can say at the moment, except for sending my very best virtual hugs, is that life always reverts to the mean.
Periods of happiness are followed by periods of unhappiness. Periods of unhappiness are followed by happiness. This is always true. It just takes too much damn patience and endurance, but happiness does always come.
And … so many people love you and think the world of you. FWTW, don’t forget that, either.
I love this image, Molly. It’s so beautiful.
A beautiful image. One of the reasons I love this time of the year so much (apart from long days) is the abundance of poppies in the fields etc. I really feel for you and can completely understand this feeling of hopelessness. But this crap year will pass and better days will arrive. xx
Thank you my friend. I know you are right. I am more hopeful this week.
I love poppies, they’re so bright and vibrant. They’re the polar opposite of me. I’ve given up hope of ever seeing or speaking to people again. This whole thing is fucking awful.
You always brighten my day. xo
This is a very beautiful image. I love the vibrant colours. I hope such beauty lies in your future as well, once things have settled in the world again.