I took this picture last year. (Last year I posted this image from that trip – Poppies, Poppies, Poppies) In fact I took it on this exact date last year, 27th June. Oh how times change. For a start it was a blistering hot day which is most definitely is not this year but also despite the fact I was hurtling towards a breakup and life seemed hard and complicated in hindsight it really had nothing on the 27th June 2020.
Oddly this pictures feels like both a lifetime ago and also just yesterday. Time is weird at the moment, it both fast and slow. It feels like we have been locked in plague hell forever. This new way of living is hard and scary and more and more I realise is having a fairly profound effect on me. In theory I could now maybe think about meeting up with people. I both like the idea and feel anxious about it in equal measure. I know I need to see people. The Charmer keeps telling me I need to. I think he is maybe a touch worried about me to be honest. Not that he says that, but his kind gentle encouragements hint at his concern. I miss him so much it sits like a ache in my chest most days.
This week, like last, I have utterly failed at Every Damn Day in June. Whereas last week I felt OK about it, this week I feel annoyed and disappointed with myself. I have so many things I want to write about and ideas for images but I seem to be unable to actually get on with any of them. I am paralyzed with worry and anxiety and fear and sadness.
I miss having a companion. I miss being touched. I miss intimacy. I miss the cadence and rhythm of sharing a life with someone. I miss making plans. That is possibly the worse thing about ALL of this is that we can’t even make a plan. We can’t agree a date, or book a thing. I find myself so angry at the world right now. It is not good for me and to be honest I am hoping that writing this, that letting some of this out might help a bit. We shall see… (Spoiler… see note at the bottom but it worked perfectly and I feel 100 times better for letting it all out here)
Despite all this, and this might sound wild considering what I have just written, I also know I will be OK. That I will navigate myself through this and that at some point something will change. I am absolutely confident in my resilience and ability to find a way through. Yes this week has been hard for me, I feel worn down, tired and sad but this image reminds me that happiness can be found in small things and I need to focus on that and try even harder to just lean into life right now.
Also note to self: Stop staring at the screen and write stuff. You feel better, so much better, when you do as writing this post has shown you. Also you can still write, even though you have spent all week slowly believing more and more that you don’t know how to anymore. What you have forgotten is that you just need to get started, which is not the same as not being able to any more. You have 3 days of Every Damn Day in June left, finish on a high note women.
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