Last week I wrote this poem ‘Defiantly Submissive’ for Wicked Wednesday. It was one of those pieces that just seemed to flow, the words kind of appearing on the screen in front of me as my fingers danced across the keys. I didn’t have to think about it a great deal it pretty much just emerged and apart from moving one stanza around so that it made slightly more sense it was done. Usually when I write pieces like this, fictionesque pieces, based on me and my life experiences but written as a story or poetry piece, I tend to have a pretty good outline of what it will be like before I start or at the very least a kink, play session, experience etc that I want to work with but for once this wasn’t the case.
The only words I had in mind when I started this piece was, ‘come on then, make me’ and from there all the rest just seemed to tumble forth. It was only when I have finished the piece and published it last week that I got to thinking about why I had written it and where it had come from because it clearly had been waiting for its moment to appear on the screen.
I am not a natural submissive, although it does come naturally to me with the right person in the right circumstances; I am certainly not submissive in my everyday life with other people apart from him. I am not quiet or particularly shy and I certainly have an opinion and a voice which I like to air and luckily I am in a D/s relationship where that is nurtured and encouraged. He has always said to me that he doesn’t want a dog’s body as a submissive that would bore him. So it is a probably a good thing that I am naturally feisty….this makes me a challenge.
However looking back at the poem from last week I realised that there are times when I am more than just a feisty challenge but where I am actively defiant even combative at times. I find myself wanting to poke my tongue out at his authority, walk away from him when he tells me to do something and slap his hand away from my thigh when he goes to touch me. Not because I don’t want him to touch me but because I want to push it, because I so badly WANT TO BE MADE TOO. I want the fight, the struggle, and the physical exertion. I want to be on my knees but not because I slipped down there but because I was man handled kicking and screaming down there. Like the poem said, “make me pay the price” of being a little bitch.
Now I hate to say this as I am loathed to give voice to the monthly hormones weakness bollocks but it does kind of have a monthly pattern to it and the real crazy usually occurs in the few days just after my period. Now don’t get me wrong, it is not exclusive to this time my any means but it is certainly at its most heightened and dangerous. I say dangerous because I have learnt to approach this mood with a little more caution since being with Sir as he is wont to take me at my word very firmly grab me by the proverbial scruff of the neck and give me a damn good seeing too. Isn’t that want you want though? I hear you ask, well yes but sometimes you have to be a little careful what you wish for as you may just end up getting more than you bargained for.
I love that though, I love that his refusal to play the game my way has made me much more aware of my body, my moods and my needs and wants and also how over time it has made me far more self-aware and able to communicate my desires. Whereas once I would have sat tight-lipped about my need to be spanked back into my place I am now much more likely to come out and say it. It is a liberating place to find oneself, to be honest. Now when I feel the need for power, control, rough handling and a bare-faced physical fight I no longer have to be badly behaved to get it. I have learnt that it is part of me, something I need and nothing to be ashamed of asking for. I have also learnt that flicking him the verbal finger and defiantly saying “Come on then, make me” in a smart arse tone is a sure-fire to get myself into more trouble than I can handle. However that doesn’t mean that now and then I just can’t help playing with fire, to see how much I will get burnt in response.
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