The Kink and I

By on March 20, 2013.

The prompt this week for Wicked Wednesday is ‘Confusion’ and so it seemed like it was time to share this piece which I had written for the The 30 Days of Kink but had been plucking up the courage to actually post.

Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

When I first thought about this question I actually couldn’t think of any answers but as time has moved on and my kink and submission have developed I have been able to look on things with a more analytical eye and realised that my previous assessment of their being ‘nothing much’ was wrong.

We were talking about kinky movies and books and Sir was telling me about his discovery of some fairly eye opening porn in his Granddad’s garage when he was about 12 and that this was probably one of his earliest hints at his later kinks but that like me it would be many years later before he was able to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together. However this also made me think about this question again and I realised that I had not really been casting my mind back far enough.

My Mum was a big fan of musicals, something she definitely passed onto me, and I spent much of my childhood watching those fabulous old movies; Guys and Dolls, My Fair Lady, Oklahoma (a personal favourite of mine) and The King and I to name but a few but it is the King and I that is the key here. When I think of this movie I think of dancing, singing, impossibly big skirts, kings and palaces but that is not what fascinated about this film and it is not the things that immediately spring to mind when I remember it because those things are run-away slaves, captured slaves and the threat of a whipping as punishment. I can remember watching that part of the movie over and over again. I have no idea what, if anything, my Mother thought of my desire to replay this film repeatedly or if she even noticed what my favourite part was but even now, many years later the vision of a powerful, angry Yul Brenner as the king, standing over the slave as she is held down on the floor in front of him and her clothes are torn from her back is vivid within my mind.

At the time I was clearly oblivious as to why I was hooked on this scene but when I look back I now know without a shadow of the doubt I wanted to be that slave. Did I want to be her when I was 8 or 10 or however old I was? Maybe, I certainly imagined it but only within the narrow confines of my childlike mind but for whatever reason that scene and the feelings of voyeuristic fascination it sparks have stayed with me to this day. Do I want to be that slave now, hell yeah! I wonder if maybe this was also the beginning of my attraction to older men, but that is a subject for whole other blog post

There is another movie in this story though, that had a far more profound effect and that is ‘The Accused’. I think I was 18 when I first saw this film and I came away from it shocked and fairly confused. I found the whole idea of what had taken place in that bar utterly terrifying and disturbing and yet between my legs a little pool of moisture had gathered along with a throbbing ache. I was appalled at myself and my body. I was turned on by rape and that freaked me out. I spent many years carrying round a very large bag of shame about that and it wasn’t until I met Sir that I found someone comfortable enough with to tell this story to. Of course by then I understood it a great deal more myself but it was still a challenging notion to share with another human being, especially when I had kept it so hidden and locked away for so very long.

At the time the thought that I was somehow turned on by rape, or the rape of another woman was abhorrent to me. I really didn’t have the knowledge, or anywhere to find the knowledge, to help me to understand what was going on. Of course now I know that I am not turned on by the violent and non-consensual act of rape but that I am turned on by the thought of being held down, fighting, surrendering, power and dominance within my sexual encounters and that watching that scene in that movie triggered a physical response in me because of that.

I know all that know and understand it but I still find it a challenge. I still worry that when I tell people about this they won’t understand, they will only hear what they want to hear, that I am turned on by rape and not understand it within the context of my sexual desires and adult relationships. I have taken a long time to get round to writing this piece and my heart still skips a little beat and the thought of putting it out there, but if I have learnt anything from my blogging and writing it is that facing the tricky subjects and sharing them is something that I need to do.

Sometimes I wonder how life might have been different if I had had someone to help me understand what this meant all those years ago. Maybe if the internet in its current form had been around I might not have had to wait quite so long to start really understanding and embracing my sexuality and maybe I might not have spent quite so long suppressing a side of me that I thought was ‘abnormal’ and pursuing a life plan that I believed was ‘normal’ (By the way I hate that word). On the other hand maybe I would not have found my way here to this life now because without that journey and the time spent arriving where I am today I very much doubt I would have ever met Sir. Although sometimes I regret all those lost years I also know that they ultimately bought me to now, to him and to us. I do sometimes wish I could go back though and try to explain things to my 18 year old self and most of take away her shame and horror but in truth I doubt she would have heard me, she just wasn’t ready for that yet.

Laying on the garden bench

Mollyxxx

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Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker
Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss
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  1. It is amazing looking back at things that hinted at my kinks as well from a fairly early age. It was scary, confusing and exciting. Even now sometimes even from a Top’s perspective trying to explain my kinks to curious people feels awkward because it could be misconstrued as abuse.

    On a lighter note very catchy title!
    Malflic recently posted..ConfusedMy Profile

  2. Yet another amazing post Molly. Inviting and challenging at the same time. Brave to be tackling such a topic. I think that we are invited to accept something that we are not by society. The more I know people in the kink community and those outside it too, the more I realise that sex and sexuality are constantly evolving in everyone. It is this rather confusing journey that makes individuals interesting and makes me curious to hear their stories.

    Rachel x
    Rachel Kincaid recently posted..The MomentMy Profile

  3. The King and I…. omg, The King and I… brilliant. Love it. Love it so very much, and yes, especially because of the scenes of domination in it. I have seen that movie so many times in my life, I can dream it.

    Then, shame… yes, I have had my shame too. I too wish that back then I knew what I know now, but as you say, our 18 year old selves would not have been ready to hear and understand it. We all grow during our lives and much of that growth is due to what we experience when we are younger. Our shame had a purpose, I’m sure 🙂

    *goes back to dreaming about the King and I…

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted..Confused? Definitely not!My Profile

  4. The internet is a wonderful and fantastical place, and it’s definitely helped me on my journey too. I don’t think I would have understood back then either. My sister was (and still is) in the scene when we were in our twenties and I was just too afraid to find out what it was really all about.

    ~Kazi xxx
    KaziG recently posted..WW & SSS: Modern Tower of BabelMy Profile

  5. A very deep write that makes the mind go deeper into the recesses of the carnal desires. Media has brought us glimpses of thing that make us squirm from that arena. I remember as a teen seeing a movie “I spit on your grave” not a favorite movie by far but one that made me shudder deep inside as I carried a similar bag. It was not the rape portrayed but the power and sex. It took years to come to grips with that and the help of a dear friend.
    Thank you for sharing this very thought provoking piece

  6. A smart, sensitive, lovely post. I’m of a similar, pre-internet generation to you, Molly. The guilt and shame of rape fantasy, esp in the shadow of 2nd wave feminism – much of which I subscribed to then (and in many socialist ways, still do) was extraordinarily difficult to deal with.

    A lot of my motivation for writing erotica is to try and enable women (and men) to accept and explore sexualities that Rad Feminism would shoot down in flames … so people won’t have to go through the same crap I did! I feel very secure in my own sexuality now – but, like you, I’ve really had to work for it. There’s still an enormous amount of anxiety – in the UK more so than the US, I think – surrounding the clash between progressive, leftist policies and alt sexualities, esp female submission.

    Anyway, I was one of the many watching The Accused with you. Praise be for the internet. *passes the dark popcorn*
    Kristina Lloyd recently posted..Eroticon 2013, alas without picturesMy Profile

  7. It is amazing how much the internet has opened up (and simultaneously closed) communication between people. I can definitely attest that my sexual knowledge has been enhanced by the internet. I also appreciate the introspection and conversation stimulated by the blogosphere. I gain much insight from this world. I shared a similar moment to yours with The Accused. Always wondered why I was turned on by watching staged rapes. And like you, it took me many years…in fact it was only recently that I came to terms with it, and it was the catalyst for Mr. LL’s and my D/s journey.
    As always, this is a thought-provoking post. I appreciate your candid honesty.
    Brigit Delaney recently posted..CollaredMy Profile

  8. I look back to being a young child of that age (6-8) and really being fascinated by the TV batman and the peril scenes…tied to a table waiting on some terrible thing to happen, or things like girls tied to train tracks. As a matter of fact, I always volunteered to be the ‘bad guy’ when we played cops and robbers so that I could get tied to the porch post!

  9. Just found your blog. 🙂 Love your honesty. Very interesting idea here because I too love the “king and I” and now I’m wondering if it has something to do with my kinks. I really do have a thing for bald men and for men that are completely different from me. And for men who like to dance. 😉

    • Thank you very much. Glad you are enjoying my blog. I have to say I was completely oblivious to the king and I connection until someone asked me about my earliest memory of something kink… and instantly I thought if that and then remembered how watching it at the time made me feel.

      Mollyxxx

  10. Hi Molly! Human beings are strange people all together. Some like porno and watching rape or torture, others hate it and feel furious and aggressive when seeing this. I’d rather die than being touched by some body without my permission. I want to be my own boss and I hate being hurt or hurting others. Those emotions are all in the brain. You cannot help feeling like you do or like I do. It’s good to share feelings. You were brave to do so.
    Thanks for your visit.
    Wil, ABCW team
    Reader Wil recently posted..Our World Tuesday, ABC Wednesday, W for WhaleMy Profile

  11. “The Accused” it is a film that took me a very long time before I could watch it because, as you probably are aware, I was violently raped. I remember the day so well, I remember the person that was with me a very trusted person that held my hand all the way through and was very concerned that it would be too much for me. It wasn’t too much for me, yes it was uncomfortable to watch, but in a voyeuristic way I was with you on this point, it was a turn-on but I knew that it would only be so if I could be “in control” and “direct” what might happen to me. I have since undertaken consensual rape-play and, you know what it, has “put things to bed” in many ways which I will post about when I can put the words together.

    “The Kink and I” – shall we dance to the slave quarters….. 😉

    ~Mia~ xx
    Mia Sinclair recently posted..Blowing In The WindMy Profile

  12. Great post again Molly . We all learn over time and wish we could have known what we did now, back then 😉

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