“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
~ Brene Brown
A few years back this quote would probably have got me writing about being submissive and my then D/s relationship and so when I saw this quote my actual initial reaction was yuck because of how it felt linked to that history and how I feel about those things now.
Mostly I keep my mouth shut about it. I am aware that my feelings on the subject mean my attitude towards D/s is that it is a load of pissballs but I know I am letting my experiences create sweeping general statements in me. My feelings about it all are hugely complicated. I am hoping with time my anger and resentment will continue to quieten and I will be able to view it more dispassionately.
So I sat and thought about the quote a bit more and why it inspired that reaction in me and I realised that is because I spent a the last 10 years exploring my darkness and much of that in a D/s relationship that I now have complex feelings about. That is something I need to work through and make my peace with but I also realised that whilst I have not the best feelings about some of that I actually learned a LOT about myself, my sexuality and my kink. In many ways it has bought so much light into my life.
Those explorations and in many ways that relationship failing has resulted in me having huge personal realisations about the things I need and want to be happy both when it comes to kink and non-monogamy. I am slowly starting to explore my more dominant side. I never even really knew it existed until the last 6 months. It is an exciting discovery and I think for obvious reasons I don’t have the same negative feelings towards D/s where I was in the D role. I feel an element of control and strength in that position that is both very hot but also doesn’t make me feel vulnerable in a way that I am uncomfortable with.
Despite my disquiet about D/s and my distrust of it as a relationship model I am confident about my kinks and the things that get me off. I know the things I like and I also have a really idea of things I want to explore either for the first time or again. I know with the right person I can allow myself to be vulnerable and trust my submissive kink.
And so looking back to the quote; I have most definitely explored a lot of the darkness of my kink. I know much of what I like and want however I need to find people who I feel comfortable lowering some of the guards I have put in place so that darkness can bring so much more delicious light into my life.