“Christmas comes this time each year” ~ The Beach Boys
The tree is up and it is surrounded by an growing pile of presents. I have my daughter to thank for that who loves wrapping presents and is very OCD about it all. The only presents I ever wrap are the ones I get her and she always tells I did it wrong.
Christmas is a weird one this year. The closing of a year is often a time for reflection on the past but that tends to lead me to fairly unhappy thoughts. It has been a really fucking hideous year. Reflecting on things is important. Taking stock of what you did, good and bad, what you achieved or didn’t helps with growth and learning but I feel like I have done a lot of that this year and to be honest much of it tends to lead to me feeling angry, resentful and/or sad. I need to work on looking forward more and letting that go. Easier said then done but I am trying. It is tough though dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions and quite frankly feeling frustrated at not being where I want to be but again those are reasons to look forward and work on changing those not back and lingering in the past.
My Christmas list this year is really short but sadly mostly unobtainable because really all I want is to spend it with someone. Or at least see him for a bit but sadly various hurdles are preventing that. Instead I will happily take having some plans to see him in 2020 in place. I fear I might be disappointed on that front too but I know we will get there. Long Distance Relationships are HARD but more on that another time.
Apart from that I don’t really care about what I get. I want some time to myself. I want to read some books and lay on the sofa and enjoy a bit of a break. I want my kids to be happy and for us all to play some stupid games and eat nice food. I am looking forward to not having to be taxi Mum EVERY day for a couple of weeks and hopefully just finishing this year off not feeling like total emotionally exhausted crap.
Oh where do I start?
There are so many things I want to do. Many of them have been things I have wanted for a long time and some of them are new but really only because I never dreamed that they might be possible really. With my life changing this year lots of things have shifted including opportunities for me to potentially do things I had maybe given up on and also make some changes that I never anticipated. Mostly what I want to do is build a life for myself that feels right and good but some things that just jump straight into my mind when I think about that are…
Sell my house and find somewhere that feels like MY home
Make enough money that I am not constantly scared about money
Build a business that I am proud of and achieves the previous goal
Write a book
Do the photography project I have owned the domain name for these last few years
Take dance classes
Exhibit some of my photos
Sell some of my photos
Live somewhere warm or spend as much time there as possible.
Balance my life so I have work time and time off to just do whatever
Get more tattoos
And some travel things…
Go to India
Walk the Machu Picchu Trail
Go to a swingers resort holiday
See whales in the wild
Go to Vegas again
Banish some ghosts in London (yes I am being cryptic)
Travel more in the USA and visit with various friends
There are other things. Some of which I am not ready to share publicly yet for various reasons but also this is just an off the cuff first thought kind of list. I could easily spend hours thinking about this and write something really detailed but I don’t need or what to. I know what I want the big picture to look like, the rest is just fitting in the pieces that make it up.
Maybe it would be more accurate to call it a sex, kink and relationships list but that doesn’t sound no where near as catchy as a fuck list so I am sticking with that.
There are so many things! Many of them I have done already but I want to do again and again and many I have never done but want to do. I could probably write a very long list for this but instead like above I going to stick to the ones that immediately jump to mind.
Wake up between two men (a MFM threesome with a sleepover I guess)
Do more rope (I have discovered it makes me super floaty)
Go to a kink or rope convention or ideally both
Indulge my Consensual Non Consent kink in all kinds of filthy ways
Be fucked by a woman with a strap on while he watches
Join a couple for a FMF threesome
Have a DP with two men again
Re-explore impact play
Get branded (this is actually going to happen)
Take pictures of a couple fucking (not for me to get off but more for the photographer in me)
Fuck in a graveyard
Again I could go on and for most of these there are real details to each one. In fact I could probably write a post about each one and explain it much more depth. Maybe that is a good idea for a series of post. However one of the really key things for me in this area is exploring non-monogamy and what I want that to be like and how it works for me. I have already realised that casual hook-up sex is not really for me. I want to spend time with people who I like and who interest me in more ways than just banging body parts together. I also know that I like having a partner and being a partner. What you might call primary partners for what of a better phrase. I think that works for me. I like that closeness and bond that is developed in that space. I want my person. I want to be a team. I want someone to play and explore and adventure with and yes that includes fucking other people with them too.
I truly never expected to be in this place. One of the things that Christmas has highlighted to me is how radically different my life looks compared to this time last year. Putting up the tree and planning for Christmas I can’t help but look back on that time, at my blissful ignorance to what 2019 held for me and shake my head in disbelief but also in pain too because mostly none of getting to the here and now has been very nice. There are only a few weeks left of this terrible year now though and I am hopeful that 2020 will me a huge improvement but I will have to admit that 2019 has maybe left me a little jaded and cautious on that front. I have wounds to lick for sure but I am determined to get through this and build a world for me that brings me joy and happiness.