“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost
Life goes on; The problem with this quote maybe is that it gives a false sense of security. Our planet as we know it is facing a troubled future, a future that could wipe out humanity. Of course that does not mean life won’t carry on. Humans think so much of themselves that they have mostly centred themselves in the concept of life. Maybe the planet would be better without us.
Life goes on; That does not mean our particular life does though. This past 18 months or so I have confronted my mortality in a way that I have never really done so before including just this last week when I found out that I had been in close very intimate contact with someone who turned out to have Covid. 6 days on and numerous tests later and I am starting to breathe a bit easier and believe that 3 Covid vaccines have stood me in good stead and I didn’t catch it.
Life goes on; But I was scared. Like absolutely fucking terrified scared. Not sleeping, not able to concentrate. Dialling into every little thing happening in my body trying to work out if I was getting sick. Was the headache tension and fear or was I getting sick? Why was my throat feeling scratchy? Did my back hurt because of yoga or because I was getting ill? It was exhausting for me and the people around me who constantly tried to reassure me
Life goes on; Fear changes you. I hate my fear and I hate how it has changed me. I am scared of crowded places. I can’t imagine ever going into a busy pub again or going to the theatre. But what life is that? The thought of getting on the tube again makes my chest go tight and also makes me want to cry because London runs in my blood and I LOVE the tube. How do I live like that? I want to be brave. I am trying very hard to be brave but I know that Covid has changed me. I cancelled fucking another woman’s husband because of my fear about going on public transport for fuck sake. Who am I?
Life goes on; Not having a spleen has mostly not had much of an impact on my adult life (It was removed when I was six because I have Hereditary spherocytosis) I have lived a healthy life without it and managed to not pass it into my my 2 spawn. It’s impact has been minimal. Some medication, some things to be on the look out for but mostly life goes on as normal. That is until the arrival of Covid. That not only comes with huge risk of pneumonia (one of the things I am potentially susceptible too) but also can invade your blood and cause clotting. Yeah, me too! Suddenly this thing I have lived happily all my life with now makes me vulnerable. Possibly (likely?) VERY vulnerable.
Life goes on; And it does and I want to live it. No one is promised a tomorrow. I need to find a balance between being safe and actually living. Whilst this week has probably been the most scared I have been through all of this hideous Covid stuff I think that it might ultimately go a long way to me believing that the vaccine is working and that whilst there are no guarantees in life at all I am probably as safe as I am ever going to be. I still don’t plan to get in the tube any time soon but well…
…life goes on and being too scared to live it is no life at all.