Life goes on

by Molly Moore
Molly laying on her side naked in fetal position for post about fear and life goes on

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost

Life goes on; The problem with this quote maybe is that it gives a false sense of security. Our planet as we know it is facing a troubled future, a future that could wipe out humanity. Of course that does not mean life won’t carry on. Humans think so much of themselves that they have mostly centred themselves in the concept of life. Maybe the planet would be better without us.

Life goes on; That does not mean our particular life does though. This past 18 months or so I have confronted my mortality in a way that I have never really done so before including just this last week when I found out that I had been in close very intimate contact with someone who turned out to have Covid. 6 days on and numerous tests later and I am starting to breathe a bit easier and believe that 3 Covid vaccines have stood me in good stead and I didn’t catch it.

Life goes on; But I was scared. Like absolutely fucking terrified scared. Not sleeping, not able to concentrate. Dialling into every little thing happening in my body trying to work out if I was getting sick. Was the headache tension and fear or was I getting sick? Why was my throat feeling scratchy? Did my back hurt because of yoga or because I was getting ill? It was exhausting for me and the people around me who constantly tried to reassure me

Life goes on; Fear changes you. I hate my fear and I hate how it has changed me. I am scared of crowded places. I can’t imagine ever going into a busy pub again or going to the theatre. But what life is that? The thought of getting on the tube again makes my chest go tight and also makes me want to cry because London runs in my blood and I LOVE the tube. How do I live like that? I want to be brave. I am trying very hard to be brave but I know that Covid has changed me. I cancelled fucking another woman’s husband because of my fear about going on public transport for fuck sake. Who am I?

Life goes on; Not having a spleen has mostly not had much of an impact on my adult life (It was removed when I was six because I have Hereditary spherocytosis) I have lived a healthy life without it and managed to not pass it into my my 2 spawn. It’s impact has been minimal. Some medication, some things to be on the look out for but mostly life goes on as normal. That is until the arrival of Covid. That not only comes with huge risk of pneumonia (one of the things I am potentially susceptible too) but also can invade your blood and cause clotting. Yeah, me too! Suddenly this thing I have lived happily all my life with now makes me vulnerable. Possibly (likely?) VERY vulnerable.

Life goes on; And it does and I want to live it. No one is promised a tomorrow. I need to find a balance between being safe and actually living. Whilst this week has probably been the most scared I have been through all of this hideous Covid stuff I think that it might ultimately go a long way to me believing that the vaccine is working and that whilst there are no guarantees in life at all I am probably as safe as I am ever going to be. I still don’t plan to get in the tube any time soon but well…

…life goes on and being too scared to live it is no life at all.

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6 comments

Focused and Filthy November 20, 2021 - 7:39 pm

What an emotional image and post. Sending you positive thoughts for the future.
Missy x

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Tempted70 November 21, 2021 - 8:18 am

Emotional, heartfelt and moving.

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HappyComeLucky November 21, 2021 - 9:08 am

I’ve waited to comment because I wanted to think carefully first. First of all, sending all of the hugs. Its terrifying. I wrote a post a while back on my blog on how covid has nearly killed me and so far, I haven’t caught it. I have been terrified to the point of my PTSD being retriggered. I’ve also not been able to isolate at all due to work.
I have found an emotional balance that works for me more than half of the time. I hope you find yours. If you want to talk, you know where I am.

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Victoria Blisse November 21, 2021 - 4:21 pm

Finding that balance is so hard. I’m so glad your 3 vaccines kept you safe in this instance. I know I desperately want to ignore my vulnerability and do ALL the things but there’s that thought in the back of my mind ‘if I get covid, I’m not gonna survive it’ and it tinges everything I do with fear. Be gentle with yourself, love. Finding the balance is no where near as easy as it sounds.

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Ogden November 21, 2021 - 7:45 pm

Its very difficult that’s for sure Xx

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mywildlens November 22, 2021 - 8:59 am

I think I already wrote on Twitter about how much I can relate to this. The trauma of feeling constantly at risk, and having so few choices about our levels of exposure is SO real. Humans weren’t designed to live with this level of stress and danger for this long, and it is definitely taking its toll.

I am so glad that you are beginning to feel able to take some steps that feel right for you. I hope that we will soon all be free to do the same, safely and confidently (crosses my fingers and prays it will all be over soon).

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