Soft Spots

“all the words
all the poems
know
my warm, soft spots.”
~ Sanober Khan

It was my birthday on Friday. I was 52. It is a surprising age to find myself. One moment you are 37 and pondering starting a sex blog and the next moment you are 52 and you have been writing that blog for 14+ years. Honestly there are days when it really does feel like that was yesterday and others when it feels like so very long ago. Who was that woman, who is she now, what life has she lived in those years? The answer to that last one is she has lived an amazing life in those years full of up’s and down, joy and heart ache. It’s been wild and wonderful and I have been hugely lucky and privileged to have had that life and to have the life I have now.

My fifties have so far been a little unsettling. Far more so that my 40’s. I remember being so apprehensive about being 40 but looking back there was no need, my 40’s just built on the goodness of my 30’s. I hope in time I will say the same about my 50’s but the changes over the last few years have made me feel ‘old’ (I am not old but older) than ever before. Despite the HRT (which has been a fucking godsend) when it comes to the hot flushes, night sweats etc there have still been changes.

My cunt has been going through a little bit of a trouble. I will definitely write about that at some point now that it seems to have recovered but it was definitely not the must fun I have ever had with my fanny. *laughs

Over all these years here writing my blog and taking my images I have tried to be as open and honest about my body, how it looks and what it likes. If you look back over the years you can see the changes and sometimes for the person in that body that can be jarring but also there has been a great deal of self acceptance in that journey too.

I wanted to take a picture that marked 52 to join all the others that I have taken over the years that have marked another trip around the sun. Earlier this week I stood in my bedroom in just my knickers, not even particularly sexy ones, just plain cotton pants and contemplated things in the mirror. I poked and prodded and sighed a bit and then I decided, fuck it, be bold. Challenge yourself.

This is the result. I will admit I had a moment of doubt about posting it. I showed it to Michael.

Me: “What do you think?”

Him: “It is a really good photo”

Me: “Thanks, but is it even vaguely attractive?”

Him: *Gentle sigh… “What would you say if someone else posted it.

Me: *ponders…..

Me: That is was human, that it was beautiful in it’s honesty.

Him: *Smiles

Me: *tears

And so brave pants on, this is me and all my soft spots at 52.