Poly Stuff

Writing authentic

Molly Moore281.3K views

“Authentic…
… representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified”

I have always tried to be this here on my blog and in my life too obviously but here especially but that has not always been easy and currently with regards to some subjects feels very challenging because I am trying to be mindful of how things I might write here could impact other people particularly Michael.

Deciding that I need to explore an open relationship is me being authentic and true to myself and what I need and want but it is also really hard to do when it causes pain to someone else. So why, I hear you ask and the answer is, as I wrote in this post a few weeks ago, because the alternative which I have tried for a very long time doesn’t work for me anymore and if I keep trying to live within those confines then I risk end up resenting Michael and that is not going to ever pan out well.

But doing this is really fucking hard when it has a negative impact on the other person.

I am trying really hard to be mindful of that and of him but it is not easy to do and as a result I am not feeling that comfortable about writing about some aspects of my life right now with regards to this subject because I don’t want to make it even harder for him.

However this is also MY blog to express myself and write my truth and so I am torn between those two things because there are thoughts and experiences that I want to process and share in this space in a way that I have always done in the past. There are things happening in my life that I am excited about but I feel like sharing them is rubbing salt in the wounds so to speak but also not sharing them seems to almost defeat some of the object of doing this. I don’t want this part of my life to be lived in the shadows I guess.  I keep jotting down notes of things to write but never actually doing it because, well, it’s hard.

But as Michael likes to say, if it was easy anyone could do it.

I feel like I am trying to live my authentic self by making this change in my life but knowing it is hard for him makes my heart hurt. I wish I could take away his pain and anger but the truth is I can’t. All I can do is support him as he also tries to find his way with all of this and be as kind and as thoughtful as I can whilst still being true to me and carving out what I want and need from my relationships.

I don’t really know where I am going with this post. I saw the prompt and basically just started writing and that is what came out. I don’t have a major conclusion to it all at the moment. I guess I am just trying to say this is where I am right now. An update of sorts on this general subject and an glimpse into where my head is currently at and why I am being cautious about what I write at the moment with regards to this part of our lives.

I do know though, that despite this being really hard I am happy with my decision. The alternative is no longer an option for me. I hope Michael can find his way with this I really do because obviously I want us both to be happy and be happy together but if not then those are consequences I will have to accept. These words feel completely inadequate if I am honest for how I feel and how hard this is but they are  start, they are authentic and for now they will have to do.

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28 comments

Sweetgirl August 21, 2019 - 8:34 pm
I hope you both find a ws
Sweetgirl August 21, 2019 - 8:36 pm
Way to reconcile the journey you're on, and being authentic in the way you want to be ?
Cara Thereon August 21, 2019 - 8:56 pm
I do hope the end result is you both being happy and being happy together. Live your authentic self, my friend. You deserve to do that.
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:27 pm
Thank you. I want us all to be happy too
PurpleSole August 21, 2019 - 10:29 pm
It is hard, but it is what is right for you. You only have one life, do what brings you joy and fulfillment. I wish you all the best.
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:27 pm
"You only have one life," Absolutely YES to this
Mx Nillin August 22, 2019 - 12:36 am
I am so glad that you are happy with your decision and making sure that you are living your authentic self, no longer stifling who you are or denying yourself your romantic, emotional, and sexual needs. I really look forward to when you feel more comfortable sharing more of you journey and experience. As a long time reader and fan (from even before I started my own sex blog) this is all a part of you that I admire. Further, as a polyamorous person myself, reading about your self-reflection, self-love, bravery and authenticity in acknowledging polyamory as such a core part of yourself, and choosing not to deny yourself that forever, is wonderfully empowering. I genuinely feel that you deserve to experience more with others, to foster your emotional and sexual self as somebody who is polyamorous but has not done so freely for nearly a decade, just as Michael has had those opportunities with others as well. I hope that he sees and makes peace with that soon and respects and supports you in your efforts to fulfill your needs and desires just as he has. And I hope that you can feel safe blogging authentically here about yourself again soon too because it's sad that it's not feeling safe to do that right now. All the love to you! I hope that things start feeling better soon!
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:26 pm
I hope that he can make peace with it too. I know it is hugely challenging for him though and I am trying to be mindful of that as best I can. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words and I will definitely be writing more about this subject as time goes by Mollyx
Ferns August 22, 2019 - 4:57 am
I hear you on this. It is easy to write when things are going swimmingly with you and your loved ones who know about and read your blog. Much MUCH harder when circumstances change, when what you write might be hurtful, when you have to consider and temper every word to find a balance somewhere between 'unfiltered truth' and 'responsibility to others'. When I write about difficult things in my relationship, or hurtful thoughts about fledgling relationships, I always struggle with balancing those. Sometimes I wait to write about it until it's done and dusted. Sometimes I soften it and have to make a call as to when that softening hits 'no longer the truth and not worth writing about'. I don't think there are easy answers :/. I've held back on a lot of content because someone reading it might be hurt by blunt truths. My musings about a truly anonymous blog always fall out of those situations. I don't know how you navigate this, I just know how hard it is. Maybe your truth laid bare can be helpful in some way for Michael's processing, for the work he is doing. Confronting no doubt, but still. I see the glimmer of goodness that is happening for you in this piece. I'm really glad :). Ferns
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:24 pm
Indeed, when things are all sunshine and roses it is much easier than when it is not. I have thought about the 'truth laid bare' approach too. Like ripping off a plaster, sometimes you just got to grit your teeth and do it. Mollyx
Bee August 22, 2019 - 7:47 am
I’m so glad you’re taking steps to be who you truly are. Doing so whilst taking care of a partners needs is hard and you’re doing it the right way. I also know how hard it is being your full self on your blog. I know I censor myself to protect my OH, who is also my proof reader. The balance of writing what I need to and being honest whilst making sure I don’t hurt him in any way can be so damn hard! Hugs xx
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:21 pm
Same here, Michael is my proof reader too and a damn fine one at that
JL Peridot August 22, 2019 - 9:01 am
Thank you for this intimate look at how you're dealing with what's going on. I hope you and Michael find a way though this that makes you both happy.
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:20 pm
Thank you, me too!
Lexy August 22, 2019 - 12:32 pm
Sometimes I think the posts we just have to write the words for, even if it's not clear where they're going or what the conclusion is, are among the most important ones. For me it helps to keep from feeling stuck emotionally. It is not an easy path you've chosen but I understand very well why it's not optional for you. I want to wish you "luck" on this journey though obviously it will take a lot more than that to make it work. But I am rooting for you.
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:20 pm
Thank you. I am rooting too and I agree about those posts, something just sitting down and starting with a sentence has lead to some of my most raw and honest writing mollyx
Marie Rebelle August 22, 2019 - 5:46 pm
I admire you for how you are handling this, how you are keeping Michael's feelings in mind with every step you take to return to your authentic self. I wish you both happiness. Rebel xox
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:16 pm
Thank you. It is a not an easy thing at all
May More August 22, 2019 - 8:53 pm
Wishing you well in what you want - and throwing in great admiration for you being brave enough to go forward, rather than back x
Molly Moore August 22, 2019 - 10:16 pm
Thank you.
eye August 22, 2019 - 10:36 pm
I always feel that love in action is the work of the relationship. Sometimes that work is difficult or challenging but it is still love in action. Sending very best wishes and lots of love x
missy August 22, 2019 - 11:53 pm
I think that being authentic is about being true to yourself. The fact that you choose not to share everything here on your blog at this time doesn’t change that. You are not pretending to be something you are not or hiding something that you are, you are simply protecting someone you care about. Having said that, I can understand completely the need and desire to use this forum to express yourself and process what you are feeling at the moment as doing that has become such a big part of your life and of who you are. I hope that you are both able to resolve this and move forward together in a direction that works for you both. I always think that true love is strong enough to win over the lesser feelings like hurt and anger that can lurk around, and that whichever you feed should be the greater. Hugs ❤️
Violet August 24, 2019 - 12:29 am
I relate to all sides of your, Michael’s and Cara’s situations (in my limited understanding of your life); I have been in more or less all three spots in the past and none were simple. I’m very glad to hear, and in full support of, you seeking what you want and need as an individual. As much as we belong with and to our partners, our ultimate responsibility is to ourselves and ourselves alone. What you are doing takes immense courage and to do it with empathy and aplomb speaks to the depth of your character and the likelihood of your ability to have a balanced and harmonious poly life, provided you have the support and acceptance you’re hoping for. Authenticity is a circuitous path, and rarely a destination. Thank you for sharing the snippets that you do, I’m sure the community agrees that we are all here to support you as best we can, should you need us.
Jade August 24, 2019 - 1:36 pm
Dearest Molly, I have returned to this post over and over, reading your words, hearing your heartache as you struggle to find the line between your needs and consideration for him. I know how difficult both what you are doing and choosing what and how to write about it are. I have been and am in a similar space, at least in reference to writing. There are times, dear, when I feel as though we are echoes of each other, across the ocean. It’s so hard when you have used a tool to make sense of your life for so long, to suddenly not be able to, for whatever reason. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you are able to find the balance you need and the happiness you deserve. You have my email, please feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk. Or hell, we could even Skype. ;-) xoxo Jade
Molly Moore August 24, 2019 - 2:55 pm
Oh I have felt that echo many times and always felt a strong connection to you. Yes email would be good but also one day, eventually, in person again Mollyx
Julie August 25, 2019 - 12:34 pm
I really feel the pain in your words, but also hope that you can move on from where you are now. Life is so much harder to live than we really want and need it to be, but I guess that is how it is. Even if you can't write freely, writing something is important. Then perhaps going back and picking some sense from the words. Thinking of you xx
Jupiter Grant August 27, 2019 - 8:37 am
Thank you for sharing this. It's truly authentic, and heartbreaking. It must be such a tightrope to walk, trying to balance between your concerns about Michael's feelings and privacy, and your own desire to express your journey. I wish you both healing, and hope that you can work through it together. ?
Brigit Delaney September 14, 2019 - 5:26 am
I think it is important for you to write about your experiences...in a way that is mindful of your loved ones...not only for yourself but for them. Sometimes writing out your feelings about an experience is a way for your loved ones to learn and process and grow and possibly accept. I am in Michael's shoes, and knowing more about my husband's motives and needs and desires is helpful in my journey to accept them. I look forward to hearing more of your story.
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