A Broken Spell

If you had told me a year ago that in a year’s time we wouldn’t be in a D/s relationship any more, that our D/s relationship would be broken, I would have probably laughed at you for your farfetched insanity but also maybe had a little panic attack at the thought of that being true. After all being D/s has been central to our relationship since pretty much the absolute beginning. However this is exactly where we find ourselves. Our D/s relationship is broken.

I have been putting off writing this post in the hope that I would be able to write something more along the lines of, so we had some pretty big issues and set aside our D/s as a result but we have worked it out and this is a new beginning but time keeps marching on and whilst we are working on things we are not in that place as yet and both of us felt increasingly uncomfortable with people thinking we were D/s when we were not.

The reasons behind this are all complex and not something that either of us wants to share in huge detail at the moment but it has been something we have been grappling with for a few months now. We set aside our D/s in March. At the time I hoped that we would work through the issues fairly quickly but Eroticon and Cara being here visiting resulted in us putting that on hold while we concentrated on other things. (Just to be clear the issues we are having and the hiatus in our D/s relationship has nothing to do with Cara or her relationship with Michael) Then everything was complicated even further by Michael getting very seriously ill and being in hospital. When you are scared your partner might be facing life changing surgery thrashing out your broken D/s relationship issues does not feel remotely important.

Luckily the surgery was avoided but even though Michael has been home now nearly 2 months his recovery is very slow and ongoing. He has lost a lot of his physical strength and being on a cocktail of drugs which bring some fairly shitty side effects has taken its toll on him but physically and mentally. Again, hardly the time to add the emotional stress and strain of working out how to fix our D/s.

So here we are, something I thought might be for a few weeks or even a month or so has turned into 4+ months as a result of numerous curve balls appearing in our lives. I will be honest and say I absolutely didn’t see any of this coming. I thought our D/s was rock solid. It has been integral to who we are and our relationship for such a long time, one month short of 9 years actually and I truly believed it was set in stone. I was wrong about that. My advice to anyone out there is a D/s relationship; do not assume that it is unbreakable no matter how strong or amazing it seems it is in fact no better than any other relationship maybe in some ways it is actually even more fragile. After all Michael and I are still married and still together we are just not D/s anymore.

One thing that I have learned from all this though is how amazing resilient I am. If you had told me this would happen I would have told you I couldn’t live without being D/s with him that was how strongly I felt about it but it turns out actually I can. Maybe in some ways Michael should take some credit for that because he has over the years constantly built up my strength and self belief and esteem which has ultimately helped me to whether this storm in my world without falling the fuck apart. I have, considering, been remarkably fine through all this.

But that is not to say it has not been tough because it is has. I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions over the last few months, from sadness to anger and a myriad of other complex feelings. I have mourned the loss of our D/s and also felt hope about rebuilding a new version. I have worried about his health, both physical and mental and how that has impacted his work and our life together. In all honesty right now what I am more than anything else is so fucking tired of it all being so damn hard.

So what now?

I hope that we can fix it. We did have a little play the other day with a new paddle someone sent us and it felt good. I was a bit apprehensive just because it had been so long and things have been so complicated and difficult that I was concerned that maybe I just wouldn’t feel it at all but that wasn’t the case. I felt good to feel like that again and afterwards I felt relaxed and happy, not only because it felt good physically but also because it felt good between us. Things are different for sure but they are not gone forever. What we have to do now is rebuild that part of who we are together. There is no going back, the only way is to start over and build something new. It won’t be the same again but that does not mean that different can’t be just as good. Only time will tell if we make it or not.

¬Michael: I am fully responsible for the breakdown in our D/s relationship. I have made a string of terrible decisions that betrayed the trust that Molly had in me. I will not go into the details, but I am deeply ashamed of my actions and can only hope I can help rebuild that which I have so thoughtlessly destroyed. I am sorry to have let everyone down, but most of all I am beyond sorry that I hurt Molly and kitten with my behavior. I have not lived up to being a Dom. I am grateful that Molly has given me a chance to see if we can fix this and maybe get it right in the future.