If it was easy

When I first start this blog back in 2010 no one knew who I was. I had a couple of readers who were friends and Michael and that was it. Of course things started off slow, 10 readers a day, then 20, then 50. I can clearly remember being ridiculously excited when I got my first 100 hits in a day. However I was for the most part totally anonymous. I didn’t start posting my self portraits until about the April and even then I went to great lengths to conceal my identity. There were definitely no pictures with my face in and I made sure there was nothing too revealing in the backgrounds either. This space was purely a creative outlet, a attempt as self discipline when it came to writing. I was worried that if people found out it might cause issues with my children and also living on my own at the time I also had concerns that maybe I would making myself vulnerable to unwanted male attention in real life if people knew who I was and where I was.

However it was also very freeing. No one knew me and I think it gave a freedom to my writing which maybe I have lost a bit as time has gone on.

There have always been subjects that I have omitted from this blog. My relationship with my ex husband is one that I mostly don’t write about. We never agreed that formally but I have always felt like he never signed up for that to be shared publicly here but more importantly than that our children definitely didn’t. It has always felt like a silent agreement, especially while the children were young, that I wouldn’t write about him or that time in my life in detail and he would turn a blind eye to it. I am actually fine with that. It feels like the past and one I have truly left behind. Sometimes it gets referenced to put context to my thoughts and feelings on things but that is the extent of it.

There are also my children. A subject mainly not explored here in my writing. They too have not signed up to be the subject of my blog. A bit like above they will get referenced from time to time and I have written one post about the women in my life that referenced my daughter (I read it to her before publishing it and she was fine with it) in more detail but mostly they are just fleeting references. My son is now 19, a fully fledged adult who has mostly left home (I say mostly because university means they keep coming back) but now that he is over 18 I would love to get him to write something for me here maybe about what it is like to have a sex blogger as a Mum or really any subject he would be comfortable tackling but so far he has declined the offer and that is absolutely his right to do so. His story is his to tell after all and the same goes for my daughter.

Mostly I have spilled my guts here on this blog. I have explored many challenging subjects here in regards to my desires and kinks. For example the dark consensual non consent fantasies I have or the filthy things that turn me .There are also the images that I have posted which have been challenging such as(graphic images featuring period blood)  Challenging Sexy and Bloodbath as well as images featuring blood as a result of impact play and other bruises and marks left on my body. As well as images that I feel very revealing to me personally such as Inside my mind and The Beauty of Truth

Not to mention all the fiction I have written exploring challenging subjects such My Valentine, that is essentially about being turned on by a stalker, Never Trust a Tory about cheating, To protect and Serve and Fucking Women both about pretty abhorrent men is just a tiny selection of things I have written about.

And yet there remains subjects unexplored.

I have contemplated blogging elsewhere under a different name where no one would know it was me and whilst it appeals on some levels I know it is not really the answer. THIS is my space and this is who I am, writing somewhere else almost feels cowardly and definitely flies in the face of everything else I have done here, which is to explore all the subjects even when they are difficult and with as much honesty and openness as I can. Sometimes that is easier than others. Some subjects whilst difficult I have accepted as part of me, the truth of me, but others have been more complicated. Combine that with them also being things that Michael and I struggle with and the result is that I have censored myself. I think we all do it to some extent and to be honest sometimes I think it is right thing to do. Words have power and sometimes the right thing to do is to keep them to yourself but sometimes you have to publish and be damn. Finding that balance is tough but lately I feel a bit like I have become too censored and I want to try and change that. It means being brave. It means being honest with myself. It means opening up about things that are difficult and challenging and that is not always easy to do but as a wise man has often told me. If it was easy, anyone could do it.