The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it. ~ Thomas S. Monson
This image is most definitely past me. It was taken in 2014 on a weekend away with a group of friends to Suffolk. There was 6 of us, 3 couples, and we rented a lovely big house in the countryside. We spent the weekend playing games, both the gaming type and the kink type, eating yummy food, the lemon drizzle cake was amazing, and just spending time with friends. Because I am me there was also photography time. I look this and a number of images in one of the spare bedrooms we didn’t use because it had lovely light and this fabulous mirror. However that weekend I also took one of the my favourite filthy pictures of Michael and I that I have ever taken. It was so hot to me that it became one of those private images that I looked at for me. It was two years until it featured here on the post Perfect Wank Material.
To this day that picture turns me the fuck on for all the reasons I wrote about in that post.
Past me can be tricky sometimes though as I still try to navigate my way through feelings of shame and regret about some of the decisions I made back in 2019. I look back at pre-2019 me and see someone who was happy and confident and loved and who loved. I have said before that I wish I could warn her of the dangers ahead but sadly that is not possible. But past me was happy and then she was not and she made some really fucking stupid reckless decisions as a result. So past me is bittersweet I am trying to get better at looking back with self forgiveness and learning from my mistakes but also I look back past 2019 now and those memories of all those happy years with Michael, they make me smile so much. All that love, that fun, that joy. I was blessed. I have absolutely not one single regret about that.
I am happy. It’s not like it was back then *points above. It is different but it good in its own beautiful way. Michael and I have weathered a storm. In some ways I am grateful to Covid to keeping us together. That time was vital for us to be able to find our way to who are now as a couple.
It is still a work in progress but then that is true of all relationships but in this regard it is funny as we have had nearly 12 shared years but in some ways it is like we are starting over. Relearning each other and who we are and how we fit.
The kink part of our life is there. We have indulged in some really fun and happy play. It has felt both new and like home all the same time. We once had a D/s relationship back before and it definitely fed both of our kinks needs in many ways. For now that is still dormant, mostly, and yet at times we slide into those roles without even knowing it just because of who we are and our shared history.
There is also my beautiful girlfriend. An unexpected joy that in my life that brings me so much happiness. We are new, a fledgling love but it feel good and nourishing.
Today is a good day. Present me is blessed.
Who the hell knows. No one, absolutely no one, is promised a tomorrow. The great goodbye comes for all us at some point. Hopefully not tomorrow for the people I love and cherish in my life, or for me, but we can’t know for sure so all we have is the past, all the good and the bad bits, all the triumphs and all the mistakes and today.
One of Michael’s favourite sayings is ‘Don’t borrow trouble’. He will often say it if I say something like, “but what if so and so happens?” Basically don’t ruin today by spending it worrying about things outside your control that might not even happen. It is something I struggle with, or have struggled with. I have spent many a sleepless night worrying about the what if, filling my body with anxiety. It is not good for me. It is not healthy and it takes away from the good of today replacing it with the fear of the ‘what ifs’ of tomorrow.
So I am trying really hard to live in the present much more. To be grateful for the wonderful loves in my life and all the things I have. To smile often. To love always. To tell the people around me how much I love them. To believe in me and to believe in the people I share my life with that whatever the future brings we will work it out together and it will all be OK. It is all OK!