Pain and Pleasure

“It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure.” – Marquis de Sade

Not always but often. The Marquis was definitely onto something when it comes to that exciting relationship between pain and pleasure

I know for some people pain and impact play can be a challenging subject so for anyone for whom this is the case this post might not be for you. Also there is mention of self administered impact play and self harming.

I have been known to say I am not a masochist because I don’t get off on the pain but on other aspects related to pain, namely endurance and the bruises and marks. However experience has taught me that statement is not strictly true.

Firstly masochism is often confused with a love of, or getting off on, physical pain but that is not accurate because masochism does not have to be about physical pain. As the definition says, it is about pain and suffering which is where one part of masochism comes into play for me because suffering and the endurance aspect related to it can definitely get me off.

Whilst I might not always enjoy the pain of a spanking, gritting my teeth, taking it, enduring it, suffering for it. Ouufff yeah that can work for me. Then afterwards if there are marks. Welts from a cane or a belt, bruises from a flogger or bite marks. Well that is just the icing on the masochistic cake for me. In fact if there are not those things I can feel disappointed and I have been known to go off certain implements because no matter how they are used they just don’t leave a mark or they hurt like a fucking motherfucker bitch but barely leave a mark behind. Those implements can fuck right off into hard limit land.

If there are not marks then what is the point?

The point is that sometimes I do just get off on the pain. Yes I know I said I don’t but truthfully sometimes I do. When it is all just right, the intensity, the build up, my body and my emotions (if I am feeling particularly raw or emotional my tolerance tends to be much lower) and I can get lost in it. Sink into the sensations and ride that crest where pain and pleasure ebb and flow beside each other. Then the pain is not even really pain, it is something else I don’t really have words for. I guess what it is, is pain masked by an adrenaline high. Fuck that is a special and amazing place to be.

I miss that so much.

My masochism extends to pushing it too. I will poke the bear just to get a reaction, even though I know I will end up paying the price. I will push back, fight, invite more, even though it hurts because I get off on seeing him work for it, knowing I am making him exert himself, take it, take me, even if it hurts, be powerful. Put me in my place. I will invite that, I will take that pain. I will endure. I will suffer for it = masochism.

I miss that so much too.

In fact I have missed the rush of stinging heat in my skin so much this last year that back at Christmas I found myself administering my own pain. I have often played with pegs and the fire cups on my own but historically I have found self impact play to be a disappointment. I can’t get the angle and intensity right to spank my own arse. Even with a crop or a paddle. It just doesn’t work.

However just before Christmas I bought myself a little gift of a leather tawse from LoveHoney. I don’t usually buy kink stuff from someone like LH because I prefer to get it from a proper kink maker but I had experienced this particular item which a friend and decided I wanted one. I wasn’t expecting much from it to be honest but turns out I was wrong. It is really well made and smells beautifully of leather and for the purpose of this post, is the perfect implement to administer some self spanking to my thighs.

As you can tell from the music I took this little video back at Christmas when I had a rare few moments alone at home. I have managed to repeat that performance yet but the moment everyone fucks off out I intend to because not only did it give me just a hint of joyful pain to lift my mood but as you can see, it left behind some glorious marks. Did I mention I love marks?

Confession: A few years ago I would never have posted this video. In fact maybe even a year ago I might not have done. Which is odd because I would happily share post images of me with pegs on my breasts and thighs or picture of the suction cups and say that I had done it myself but a video of my spanking myself. Somewhere in my head that felt ‘weird’. And yet how is it really any different?

What I have come to realise is that it is not any different. They are the same thing and all of them are really no different to take a bath or having a wank or doing yoga. They are all about self care and self pleasure. They help me to relax and connect with my body, they feel good and there is nothing wrong with doing something for yourself that feels good. Why is it somehow acceptable for someone else to spank me but if I do it to myself it is seen as weird? I get that in some peoples mind it looks like self harm but it is not, it is self pleasure. Self pleasure, in whatever form that takes, is a radical act of self love. There is nothing weird about it apart from the fact that society has heaped a whole load of shame onto such things.

Have I gone off on a bit of a tangent? Not really know because currently my life and the world situations means that if I want to enjoy and explore my masochism I mostly have to do it alone. Why should I shelve that until such time as I can see one of my partners? I wouldn’t dream of not having an orgasm because I didn’t have a partner to give it to me. I have decided that the same applies to other forms of sensation play.

So whilst I would rather share it with a partner because it is just all the more delicious for doing so for now when the moods strike, so will I!