Uncharted territory

We live in strange times.

I looked at my daughter last night standing in the kitchen in a dressing gown and suddenly could picture her a toddler following me around and reaching up to me to pick her up. It seems like only yesterday that my kids were both little. If you had told me then that in their teen and early 20’s I would be helping them to navigate a world pandemic I would never have believed you. Who would? This is the stuff of history and movies not real life. Real life involves being able to go to the pub and the shops and not being scared to see your friends. It does not involve, well what we are all facing right now. This is most definitely uncharted territory

This last 10 days or so have possibly been some of the most challenging of my life as I make decisions to try to keep my gang as safe as possible and also make the right decision when it comes to Eroticon. Things are changing fast at the moment and early last week I thought it would all be OK. Within hours my thoughts had completely changed and after I read this article by Tom Pueyo I knew that I was one of the people will the chance to maybe change things. All the work I had done to bring this conference together and the potential financial impact meant nothing anymore. I cancelled.

Every day that has passed since I made the decision I know more and more than I made the right choice.

The same goes for taking my daughter out of school this week. Both Michael and I fall into the high risk category of people, me to some extent but him without any doubt. I am determined to do whatever it takes to protect us both but especially him from getting sick. I have a fairly small family, my two kids, my parents who are also hugely at risk from this disease and Michael. I refuse to lose any of them to fucking bullshit. Luckily my parents have been taking it super seriously for a couple of weeks now and are fairly well holed up in their home with Waitrose delivering their groceries because even in the end times my Mum has to get her groceries from there. My son is moving in with his Father for the foreseeable future and my daughter and Michael are digging in at my house.

Everything is changing. The world around us is a scary and unknown place and navigating it right now as an adult is a white knuckle ride the likes of I have never experienced before let alone if you are a 16 or 20 year old and yet they are both taking it in their stride. They amaze me and I am hugely proud of both of them. I never expected when they were those little kids running around this house that I would ever have to steer us through something like this but here we are.

The hardest thing right now is being apart from him. He is safe where he is and so that is a huge positive but not knowing when we might see each other again is really fucking tough. It is one thing being isolated if you are with your person but it quite another when you are not and they are thousands of miles away. We were planning a trip to see each other during April. Luckily we had not booked anything but still that is no longer an option and when traveling will be an option again who knows. Long distance relationships suck enough at the best of times, this just made it infinitely worse. But we have weather a lot of separation over the years as friends and we got through it so we will get through this too.

Have I mentioned I miss sex so fucking much?

Michael and I have truly been through it the last year but here we are still living together, actually fairly happily too. We have a deep and firm friendship and we both still love each other in that regard.There really is no one else I can think of who I would rather be going through this nightmare with. I am grateful that he is here with me and that together we will work our way through whatever happens. I am happy to have him by my side.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I was absolutely terrified though because I am. Not just of the virus but all of it, the way the world is changing, how we are all going to afford to live like this, the reality that this will be for months and months is one that is very hard to comprehend and yet that is the reality of things. It is all a bit of a mind fuck to be honest.

This blog has always been my space to share whatever from the good and joyful to the terrible and sad with lots of sex and kink thrown in. This post is one of those that is about the real harsh realities of life. It is not sexy or kinky, although I promise to return to that soon because quite frankly now seems as good a time as any to write about those things, but it is about stubbornness and grit and determination to find a way for me and my people to get through this time together. Even the ones who are not here with me right now.

And to you dear reader, I hope you will continue to come and visit me here. I have quite a few plans for this space over the next few months which I look forward to sharing with you all but mostly I just hope that you are safe and well and know that no matter what it might feel like right now you are not alone in feeling scared and anxious about what is happening. We all are, and that is absolutely OK.