“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – what is best for me.” ~ Paulo Coelho
To say I have done a lot of thinking and self reflecting over the last year would be an understatement. It has been both difficult and exhausting but also enlightening and exciting. I never anticipated to find myself in this place but then who does? It’s not like many people see the death knell of their relationship coming especially when it is a blow that comes out of no where. Sometimes I sit and look at my life and just can’t quite believe I have ended up here. It is tough when everything felt so solid to realise that it was not. I am working hard on letting go and trying to forgive because otherwise the risk is that those feelings will only hold me in the past and there is no good to come of that.
One of the results of what has happened is that I have been gifted freedoms that I never expected to have again. It is in fact oddly bittersweet. I never wanted to be on my own. I had always hoped to have a partner and be able to explore at the same time. I like having a partner. I am a good team player in the context of relationships. I am good at sharing but I also like the intense intimacy of having ‘my person’.
The truth is I do actually have that. He makes me happy and I am glad after all these years we have managed to finally work out what we want but the tricky part of all this is that for now distance is a huge factor in our lives. I know we will work that out but that doesn’t help me right now with my need to be touched and to explore. (Just to be clear he is happy for me to explore) but my problem is I am at bit of loss with what to do with myself. So I have freedoms but the honest truth is I am not 100% sure what to do with them.
I am hungry, starved in fact, for some of the things I want but I have also worked out that seeking them out just anywhere or with just anyone is absolutely not going to work for me. I need connection and intimacy otherwise it leaves me cold. I have discovered that fucking myself is a far better option in those circumstances.
And that is probably the most important discovery of all of this. Not fucking myself, I already knew that was a good thing to do, but centering myself and making sure that the choices I make and the paths I choose are absolutely what I deem to be best for me.
Recently I was listening to a podcast and the guest on there was talking about destiny and working out what you want to do and how to do it and they said something that really resonated with me
“You are in control of your future”
It is something I have thought about a lot and oddly it is both terrifying and exhilarating. I get to make my own decisions. I get to shape my world and my life. I clearly, as the quote above states, have commitments, the biggest one being a parent, which stop me from making the big changes I really want to right now but they are only stopping me temporarily, in the not too distance future that will change too and knowing where I want to go when it does helps me to be in control of how I am going to get there.