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What is best for me…

Looking down on molly who is sitting topless looking out the picture editied in bacl and white

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – what is best for me.” ~ Paulo Coelho

To say I have done a lot of thinking and self reflecting over the last year would be an understatement. It has been both difficult and exhausting but also enlightening and exciting. I never anticipated to find myself in this place but then who does? It’s not like many people see the death knell of their relationship coming especially when it is a blow that comes out of no where. Sometimes I sit and look at my life and just can’t quite believe I have ended up here. It is tough when everything felt so solid to realise that it was not. I am working hard on letting go and trying to forgive because otherwise the risk is that those feelings will only hold me in the past and there is no good to come of that.

One of the results of what has happened is that I have been gifted freedoms that I never expected to have again. It is in fact oddly bittersweet. I never wanted to be on my own. I had always hoped to have a partner and be able to explore at the same time. I like having a partner. I am a good team player in the context of relationships. I am good at sharing but I also like the intense intimacy of having ‘my person’.

The truth is I do actually have that. He makes me happy and I am glad after all these years we have managed to finally work out what we want but the tricky part of all this is that for now distance is a huge factor in our lives. I know we will work that out but that doesn’t help me right now with my need to be touched and to explore. (Just to be clear he is happy for me to explore) but my problem is I am at bit of loss with what to do with myself. So I have freedoms but the honest truth is I am not 100% sure what to do with them.

I am hungry, starved in fact, for some of the things I want but I have also worked out that seeking them out just anywhere or with just anyone is absolutely not going to work for me. I need connection and intimacy otherwise it leaves me cold. I have discovered that fucking myself is a far better option in those circumstances.

And that is probably the most important discovery of all of this. Not fucking myself, I already knew that was a good thing to do, but centering myself and making sure that the choices I make and the paths I choose are absolutely what I deem to be best for me.

Recently I was listening to a podcast and the guest on there was talking about destiny and working out what you want to do and how to do it and they said something that really resonated with me

“You are in control of your future”

It is something I have thought about a lot and oddly it is both terrifying and exhilarating. I get to make my own decisions. I get to shape my world and my life. I clearly, as the quote above states, have commitments, the biggest one being a parent, which stop me from making the big changes I really want to right now but they are only stopping me temporarily, in the not too distance future that will change too and knowing where I want to go when it does helps me to be in control of how I am going to get there.

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  • Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker, Director of Operations @Eroticon Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

  • Show Comments (24)

  • elliott

    Love this image, Molly! Glad to hear about changes. Your time will come.

  • Julie

    A thoughtful and reflective view of you, in both picture and words. But also hopeful and positive of the opportunities to come.

  • Sweetgirl

    😊😊

  • PurpleSole

    The image captures your words so well. Sometimes we just don’t know where our path will lead, but fucking yourself sounds a good way to find what you need.

  • May More

    Oh goodness – I have been in your spot – well almost 😉
    you will – are – getting there – and the line that really told me that was- “So I have freedoms but the honest truth is I am not 100% sure what to do with them.”
    that is some starting block to sprint off from. A brilliant place to be…
    Gorgeous image – love your hair falling onto your breast x

  • eye

    The comment about it being your choice what happens next and that being both terrifying and exhilarating really chimed with me Molly. I share your surprise at where I find myself now but also your excitement at a new way of being that is available to me now.

  • E. L. Byrne

    I really enjoyed this post. I too find myself impacted by the fact that I control my future. For so long I went with the flow and followed the plan everyone ese expected from me. Crafting my own life was hard and still often is but it’s also been incredibly rewarding. Hugs and blessings for your continued forward motion.

  • Accidental Masturbator

    Great photo, as ever.
    Freedom is a minefield. 💋

  • Floss

    I feel so much of this in my own heart Molly, you have expressed where you are at so beautifully though, I’m still at the long assed rambling point of figuring it all out, lol. I completely understand the newfound freedom being bittersweet, but I am trying to see it as a gift, a door to new adventures and I hope new connections and perhaps in some cases solidifying of current connections. I hope it is the same for you, lots of wonderful exciting things coming into your life, whilst we get to treasure and be grateful for the people and experiences that got us here x

  • Muse

    Beautiful image Molly and I can very much relate to the freedoms and the need for your person. I hope your journey brings you a lot of excitement and the happyness you deserve x

  • Marie Rebelle

    I love this image of you, Molly, with that pensive look, and then sharing your thoughts with us. Yes, you are in control of your future, and all previous choices you have made in life brought you to where you are now; has made you the person you are now, and some of those choices has shown you what you don’t want in your future anymore. Sometimes we first have to go through one thing before we know how to handle the next. You will get there, and there is an exciting road again taking you to where you want to be.

    Rebel xox

  • InigoMore

    Very honest, frank stuff. Freedom is scary – and it should be. We’re all still learning how to use our freedoms without just endlessly crashing cars. Given the freedom to choose, most young children will be dead (by accident)within minutes. Freedom is dangerous, but once you accept that, you
    see it’s not a pit, but an open landscape. We just need to find the map!

  • Annie Savoy

    I love this new adventure for you. I think whole horizons are going to open up! And your picture is fantastic. Xo

  • slave sindee

    indeed great photo and your thoughts resonate within me. Yes we control are future and have commitments.
    My wife of 40 years decided She was tired of being married and left. Our grandchildren and daughters don’t understand. i do but the hurt is there. the need to be touched many thoughts of yours are true for me.
    So Cheers ! to the new year and challenges! The best is yet to come

  • Ouizzi

    Dear Molly, I relate to your words so much having lost what I thought was my forever partnership this year. I’m still trying to learn to embrace the unexpected freedom and I hope to find some of the confidence you seem to have around these changes.
    I look forward to watching you explore this new chapter of your life and maybe picking up some tips! x

  • Posy Churchgate

    Your image portrays you as strong and thoughtful, weighing up your options I presume. From what I know of you through your blog, the direction you’re looking in is surely forward. Your gaze is fixed on the future and the paths you have to choose from – you don’t seem the kind of person who looks back or dwells in the past.

  • Focused and Filthy

    What a glorious image of you Molly. Strong and sensual. I’m wishing your future is full of excitement and goes just where you want it to.
    Missy x

  • asrai devin

    The thoughtfulness of the pose mirrors the words well. Loveeeeee

  • DeviantSuccubus

    Your picture really reflects your post so well. There is an apprehension, a feeling of want and need, a feeling of freedom and at the same time an awareness of the limits that still hold you back. You are in an exciting place because there are so many possible paths to walk, but I feel the grief over a loss of the relationship is still hovering in your mind. And that is okay, it takes time to get to a point where who we are in the now is who we really want to be.

  • Marie Louise

    I love the angle of this picture, your position and expression and the black and white really adds to the atmosphere!

  • Cousin Pons

    Strong, powerful and very thoughtful words Molly, encapsulated in your stunning photograph. x

  • missy

    This is a beautiful picture of you and it works so well with your words. I can understand your frustration and your impatience with your current situation but also your positivity at the opportunities and the freedom. ❤️

  • Jaime Mortimer

    That’s a lovely photo of you.

    And a very thoughtful piece of writing.

    Applause and best wishes!

  • Lexi

    The first step is realising what you want and need so you are well on the way to the future you dream of.
    I think it’s super common too, to not know what to do with freedoms we’ve not had before, or not had for a long time. We have to readjust and refigure things out.
    I hope you’re future is full of freedom and intimacy and all good things

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