This moment

“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory.”
~ Leonard Nimoy

I truly never expected that we would get to this moment. Once upon a time I believed we were forever, that we would grow old disgracefully with one another but if there is one thing I have learned in this life it is never say never and so here we are at the end of our road together.

It has been a long time coming to be honest. Things have been slowly slipping away for probably over a year now but as is so often the case we just swept it all aside and powered on through. We never really addressed any of the issues or even really talked about them. We told each we loved the other and I think (I don’t want to speak for Michael but I believe this is true) we thought that was enough but the truth is love and maybe more than love but the foundation on which it is really built, trust, is actually a fragile thing.

Lots of people liken trust to a wall or a building, saying it is the foundations that everything is built on and that is absolutely the truth but unlike foundations, that once made well and strong are tough to shake, I think trust is more like a spiders web. When spun right, it is immensely strong, strong enough to hold you up but it also requires regular attention to keep it that way otherwise just breaking a few of the precious threads can cause the whole thing to unravel and suddenly what you had is just a limp cobweb hanging in the corner of the room, a shadow of it’s once powerful and beautiful self.

Earlier this year our D/s relationship came crashing to an abrupt end when I discovered that Michael had been misleading me about a variety of things. It absolutely rocked my world. Everything that I had thought was a thing suddenly had vanished overnight. I had been his sub since April 2010. It had been a huge part of my identity and also my sexual exploration and discovery of my kinks over the last 9 years. To be honest if it had happened 6 months earlier I think I would have been a complete wreck but despite being absolutely livid and also sad I actually found myself doing OK. It appears I am much stronger then I thought I was.

That was back in March and since then lots has happened in that Michael also got very sick and prior to all that I decided that I wanted to explore with other people. It has been a tough time and I have gone through a 1000 different emotions as I worked my way through all this stuff. At times I thought we could rebuild our D/s but he wasn’t ready and when he was ready I wasn’t sure any more. The honest truth is my discoveries back in March essentially opened a Pandora’s Box of issues for me that shone a light on things that I had chosen to ignore, that we had both chosen to ignore really. I have tried to let go and forgive and whilst the anger has subsided (it still bubbles up though) too much damage has been done to the trust between us for me to be able to carry on in this relationship.

Going away to Miami was a real turning point for me. I spend quite a bit of that week on my own just thinking and working through what had happened and more importantly how I felt about it all. It was a tough emotional journey but one that I needed to take and from which I have finally been able to see a path ahead and make some peace with what has happened.

At the moment Michael and I are actually in a better place than we have been in a very long time. We are learning how to be friends and whilst it is complicated and we both have days where we are sad (I seem to be the one with the anger) we are actually muddling through. We have a road to walk together yet as we sort out all the things that need to happen. Michael has been a good and loving step parent to my children and clearly our business and work lives are entwined too. I am hopeful that in many ways both those things will continue to be the case albeit not quite like it is now. He has been heard to say “I will always be your tech guy” and to be honest I truly hope that turns out to be true case because he is the best damn tech guy I know.

But our lives as Molly and Michael, Dom and sub, husband and wife etc is over. Not words I ever thought I would write and coming to that decision has been so fucking terribly hard but also in some weird way I also feel relived that finally I have accepted the truth of things. I feel oddly at peace with my decision. However I do know that this is desperately painful for Michael and not the outcome he was hoping for but having said that I think we have both reached a new place of calm and acceptance in the last few weeks and I really hope that means that rather than continuing to tear each other apart and continually wound each other we can now go forward as very special friends to one another and be happy that we had each moment that was good and not turn all those memories sour.

So here I find myself, truly at a new chapter in my life. I am excited for the future, even though I know bits of it are going to be really hard, I also know I am ready for this. I have some truly amazing friends who have supported me through this time and continue to be absolute rocks in my world (you all know who you are) My world has completely changed this year and 2019 has by and large been pretty fucking horrendous but for the first time in a while I actually feel like I can breath again and maybe, just maybe these remaining few months can redeem what is left of 2019 and set both of us on a new track to happiness.