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Bittersweet symphony

Molly laying on the bed with one eye looking directly into the camera

I have been debating writing this post for a couple of weeks but, well, it is hard and so I have repeatedly talked myself out of it but today I realised that no matter what I do this is going to be hard so I might as well take a deep breath and let myself write.

Life is a bit bittersweet at the moment.

Next Friday (27th Sept) I am flying to Miami to spend 8 days with The Charmer. Wait what? I hear you cry. The who? No, not the The Who, The Charmer. We have been friends for a long time now, a number of years in fact, but that friendship has become something else and is in large part the reason for me wanting to explore being non-monogamous. Despite our long term friendship this will be our first time together since I made that decision many months ago. I have not seen him for nearly 10 months and a lot has happened in both our lives during that time. This trip is a culmination of a lot of soul searching on both our part but I am most definitely looking forward to it.

However I know full well that Michael is not. In fact that might be a rather massive understatement. He keeps telling me to go and have a good time. He wants me to be happy but I know that he finds it really painful that this is happening and sometimes I really struggle with the feelings of guilt about this, that I am somehow torturing this man I love with my needy sex desires. Yes I know what I want is not that but the demons in my head can be loud sometimes.

The thing is I love Michael. I really really do. I am sure some of you out there think I am awful selfish bitch for doing this too him. Don’t worry, I have thought that too. I can see how to some it looks like our D/s relationship failed, he got sick and developed ED and in response I am abandoning him to get my end away elsewhere. However that is most definitely not the truth because the order of those events is not correct. Me making the decision to finally push for the non-monogamy I wanted came before all those other things.

I have not taken this decision lightly. I have spent more hours thinking it through then you can possibly imagine. I have explored all the possible outcomes in my head. I am not a fool but I am also not a liar and to promise Michael monogamy forever more would be a lie. I have tried very hard for a long time to be that for him and I can’t continue denying it is who I am. But fuck me this is hard because as I said above I do absolutely love him to pieces and what I want is for us to be together. I love being with him. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love that he is smart and funny and ridiculous and loving and passionate and thoughtful. I love the way our bodies fit together. I love the years we have had and the times we have shared. He has made me a better person and I hope that maybe in some way I have given him something wonderful and precious too. I always believed we would grow old together. Being outrageous and silly and loving and just us, accepting each other just how we are, faults and all and I still absolutely want that to be the case.

I have also thought a lot about our D/s relationship over the past few months and what I want in regards to that. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not interested in that with anyone else. If I am not D/s with Michael then I will never be a D/s relationship again. Yes any relationship I have might have a top/bottom aspect to it and the sex that gets me off definitely has to involve that dynamic but as a formal relationship, a 24/7 thing, the only person I am interested in having that with is Michael. I always knew from the moment he put his collar on my all those years ago in Philly that he was meant to be my Dom and I despite everything that has happened between us in regards to that part of our life I still feel exactly the same. It is meant to be him and if not him then I am not interested in it on any deeper level than sexually situationally with anyone else.

The problem with all this though, with all my wants, is that they require someone else, Michael, to want them too which I believe he does but they also require him to be able to accept the non-monogamous part of me and that is somewhat up in the air at the moment. When I set off down this road I truly believed in the strength of our relationship and our love that we could do this. After all we were soul mates and me loving someone else had not changed my love for Michael, just as his love for Cara had not changed his love for me and so I thought that with time, if I showed him that, he would see it to be the truth for him as it for me. It is possible that I was mistaken about that. I don’t know but I do know that it is more a possibility than I believed it to be at the beginning of this year and that really does hurt my heart.

So why do this? Is what I suspect you are wondering. If you love him and want him so much then why risk it all? Because as I said in a previous post, Breathe with me, not doing it is no longer a option for me either. I have known for years that at my core I am non-monogamous person. It is why I have loved and welcomed Michael’s relationship with Cara because it genuinely made me wonderfully happy to do so. I hoped that time would help Michael to accept that for me too but that has not been the case and so I have made these decisions to fulfill that side of me. Not doing so would actually be hugely disingenuous of me and I know, deep in my heart, would eventually, likely lead me back down the cheating route again and I always vowed I would never be that person again.

So we are kind of at an impasse. Time will tell where we end up. I am not as sure of the outcome as I was a few months ago and that is not a happy thought. At times I feel angry with Michael. It all feels so fucking unfair and also such a waste of our love and our life together but I also know he has to be happy too. I remain hopeful that is with me but I am no longer sure of that fact and that breaks my heart a little bit

So back to where this post started. Miami. I am really looking forward to this trip. I get to see a part of America I have never been to before and take a bit of a holiday. In all honesty I need that. But also to see The Charmer and spend some proper time together. I am happy and excited for all the promise that this trip holds and to finally be with him in a way I, and he, have wanted for a long time now. I am going to go on this trip with an open heart and mind and give myself permission to live it and enjoy it even though I know this will be a massive test for Michael and I.

So yeah, bittersweet sums it up. I am in one regard happy and excited and in another sad and worried. It is a complex symphony of emotions that are at times really hard to reconcile.

“A symphony must be like the world. It must contain everything.”
~ Gustav Mahler

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  • Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker, Director of Operations @Eroticon Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

  • Show Comments (55)

  • Sweetgirl

    I do hope it works out, I mean on a basic level if Michael has a relationship with cara surely it is only fair that he allow you the same?

  • Starcross

    Lots of love to you Molly, and to Michael. The feelings you’re both having aren’t wrong or selfish, they sound perfectly reasonable to me. I hope that, with time, this can become a new normal for your relationship, as it has with G and I (a relationship in which we experienced many of the feelings and dilemmas you describe above). Stay strong and happy travels x

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you lovely. That is good to hear that you guys experienced similar things. I remain hopeful that we can navigate this path together but also I know it is a path I have to walk.

      Mollyx

  • Mrs TeePot

    I wish I could wave a magic wand for you all and make it all work out. I really do hope that you & Michael can work through this and come out even stronger.
    Fwiw I don’t think you’re selfish or anything remotely like that. I admire you for knowing who you are and being true to that, even though it must be breaking your heart at the same time. You’re an incredible woman.

    • Molly Moore

      I wish I could magic wand it all too. And thank you, I don’t think I am incredible but I am trying my best to be a good person

      Mollyx

  • Mrs Fever

    Relationships are so hard.

    I wish I had some kind of “perfect words” for you, or be able to say – and mean it and know – “Everything will be fine.”

    But all I truly know, and believe, is that relationships are HARD.

    And that only YOU can decide what is right for you.

    I wish you all the best, Molly. xoxo

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you and yes they are, very hard indeed especially when things don’t align

      Mollyx

  • Brigit Delaney

    I understand the emotions involved in this so much better than I wish I did. Though I come more from Michael’s angle, I sort of get the needs you have and wish you the best on this adventure, hoping that everyone comes out stronger in the end. I always worry that Mr. D will one day say the same to me, and I’m not sure how I would handle it, really. Love is not enough, I know that much. It’s a romantic thought, but unrealistic.

    • Molly Moore

      I always thought love was powerful and strong would get us through. It has been a bit of blow to me to find out that is maybe not the case. There are times when I do feel a bit bitter about that to be honest

      Mollyx

  • Know some of your struggle

    Oh dear, dear, Molly, please know that although you may feel very alone during this time of decision you are not. I too had to struggle, for years, over fulfilling my sexual needs verses leaving a kind and otherwise loving husband. His loss of sexual desire/interest was primarily health related, and not responsive to all attempts of re-ignition. Please continue to take gentle care of yourself, the energy needed to make the journey you’re on is much, much more exhausting than most anyone else can understand. Although we can’t know the future (for which I’m grateful) one thing is undeniable: you *will* be there with yourself no matter what the outcome. You are dealing with yourself and others with honesty, and that’s crucial to self-survival.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you, this is very sweet and thoughtful comment that actually made me cry a bit. I am doing my absolute best to care for everyone in this situation and I am glad is evident as it is important to me

  • Ferns

    Bittersweet is exactly right. I am both sad and happy for you.

    I hope you have an amazing time and it lives up to everything you wish for, and I hope that you and Michael can work it out together.

    Ferns

    • Molly Moore

      Thanks lovely… I am really looking forward to me trip

      Mollyx

  • Cindi Rose Bliss

    Guilt is a terrible condition to be in. As women, it seems like we are programmed for it and programmed to put everyone else’s needs before our own. I’m glad you are seeing that your needs are important and not down playing that part of you.

    Relationships evolve over time. Age makes a lot of this very difficult as you both are finding out.

    Perhaps in time, you and Michael will discover a “new normal” for your D/s, one that doesn’t necessarily include sex, or does and just doesn’t focus on PIV sex.

    You two are such wonderful people; caring, compassionate, and communicative and I have no doubt that if anyone can work this out, it’s you and Michael.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you. I hope you are right and we can find our way together.

  • eye

    Love is working to see the other person as clearly as we can whilst striving to let them see us as we are. It seems to me you are both working hard and I send you both best wishes x

    • Molly Moore

      These are truly words of wisdom, thank you

  • missy

    I wish with all my heart that this was not so hard for both of you as it must feel. I hope that being able to take this trip will bring some clarity for both of you and help to sort out some of the difficult feelings. Fear of the unknown can be so strong and hopefully in reality this situation will come to suit you all. All the best for your trip – Miami sounds exciting and yippee for some sun 😊

    • Molly Moore

      I hope so too on all these counts

      Mollyx

  • Mosscat

    All the above and more. As always you write with such honesty, compassion and truthfulness to yourself. My thoughts are with you on this next step. As a wise woman once said ‘just breathe’!! 😚

    • Molly Moore

      *takes deep breath!

  • Tabitha Rayne

    Wow Molly – I am blown away by the fact that you are so open with your soul searching on here – to be able to witness this is a gift, you are so generous with your writing. It is a wonderful thing that you and Micheal are able to talk about these things, even if not quite to a resolution, it is still a hell of a lot more than most couples do – you should be very proud of that!
    Good luck with everything! I hope Miami is everything you hoped for x x x

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you Tabitha. We have really tried to be open and honest with each other even though at times that is hard and painful. If we have any chance of getting through this that is the only way to be.

      Mollyx

    • Luv Bunny

      I’ve just seen yours and Michael’s posts. This is tough for you both. As others have said, people can change and evolve as relationship dynamics shift. Sometimes we can align, other times we aren’t able to. I think what you’re doing is courageous; the unknown is scary, but if you feel something is right for you, go with it, life is too short. Hope the trip to Miami gives you the space you need to spend quality time with The Charmer.
      Hugs xx

  • Marie Rebelle

    I know how deeply you love Michael, and how in love you are with The Charmer. I have seen you struggle with this, heard your words of doubt and guilt; have seen and heard how hard you were on yourself. You have tried for so long to deny this side of yourself, but we can’t deny who we are. In the end we always return to our core, as we need to be true to ourselves. You going to see The Charmer doesn’t mean that you don’t love Michael anymore, just as Michael loving Cara doesn’t mean his love for you is less. This is a difficult journey for both of you, but a journey you have to travel. I wish both of you much wisdom on this difficult journey.

    Rebel xox
    PS: And of course, have FUN in Miami!

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you lovely. You have been my absolute rock and I can’t thank you enough for all you have done

  • J. Lynn

    Oh Molly I wish, like many others, that this were easy. Recognizing our needs is so very hard in itself. I’m delighted to hear of your adventure and I can sympathize. From one non-mon to another I’m so very proud you’ve taken this step. We all have our own quirks in our relationships and to be stifled is not going to make things last. It’s very evident you still love Michael to pieces and I hope he can process this in a good way as you did with Cara. The truth of if it all is that it’s the hardest thing to do. I still feel guilt in mine, it will never go away. For me, S is monogamous and pet is not. It’s a difficult road sometimes being pulled more one way than the other. We embrace what we have and who we are and what will be will be.

    • Molly Moore

      It is hard feeling like I am hurting him all the time as that is obviously not what I want at all. I hope he can find his way with this because as you say I do love him very much

      Mollyx

  • elliott

    Go and have a good time. Michael will be fine.

  • Victoria Blisse

    I really understand bittersweet. It can be hard to do what you need, when you are used to being there for what others need. But looking after yourself, doing what makes you happy isn’t intrinsically selfish. I do hope it all works out but I am excited for you and your adventure. Change can be painful, it can be really tough but life is change. Sending love.

    • Molly Moore

      Thank you Victoria and you are absolutely right about change

      mollyx

  • May More

    I so admire the honesty that flows from this post. From most of your posts. And the “just” thing is that you should have someone else if you need – Michael does, so why not? But life is anything but “Just” – and life is never easy either. But I hope life it is “just” for you – using the meaning of that word in more ways than one x

  • Posy Churchgate

    Love and support to you both. This post was brutally honest and I respect you for sharing it and I hope things work out the way you would like.

  • Bee

    I have seen you struggle with the balance of needing to be who you are with the love and respect you have for Michael. You struggle so much because of your love for him. I know it’s hard and the guilt is only natural but you are doing the right thing for you.

    You’re an amazing woman but would be even more amazing if you could find a space in your suitcase for me 😉

  • Annie Savoy

    My thoughts are with you and Michael. It’s so tough what you’re both doing but forward is the only way out. And both of you denying who you are will only lead to disaster. I have hope that you both find happiness in this new adventure. Xox

  • therebelliousangel

    I think your willingness to write about this and share with everyone who reads your blog is absolutely brilliant, brave, and amazing. In my humble opinion I believe every person is entitled to happiness. That said, no one wants to hurt the one they love. In a marriage both should be equal and be open to change. I feel women are more flexible than (most) men. If Michael truly loves you, logic points to him being willing for you to love and be intimate with another, as you’ve allowed him to be. I think love makes allowances and love shows mercy and kindness. I do very much hope and pray you both find serenity, peace, and understanding.

    • Molly Moore

      “I think love makes allowances and love shows mercy and kindness.” I believed this too. I am trying hard to continue to believe it

  • Modesty Ablaze

    Sending our thoughts and best wishes . . . to both of you !!!
    Xxx – K

  • Gretchen

    You and your husband know that the relationship/marriage has become constricted in some sense since it appears that he’s had medical problems come up recently. Have you told him what it is that you still value in the relationship even as circumscribed as it’s become? What does he offer you? What do you value in him? What about the foundation that your marriage is built upon assures him you’ll continue to want to be with him? The emotions that prey on jealousy are usually insecurities rather than a partner’s action. Therefore we transfer responsibility for our emotions along with control of our lives to others in order to justify outcome. Jealousy doesn’t make your husband a bad person. He does need to understand he’s still in control of his life. You’re both causing each other pain at the moment. By giving you control of his life with your decisions/actions hurt him. He’s hurting you because you may have thought that the foundation your marriage was built upon was solid and he knew you had the ability to care and love more than 1 person. I wish you both the best in that neither of you stop working for the answers that might make your marriage stronger. Running away from relationships when things are difficult usually doesn’t stop after the first time you do it.

    • Mx Nillin

      Of course Molly has, she’s literally written about all of that in multiple posts. You don’t think she’s had those conversations over the past almost decade? I’m sorry but this is a very bad take… not at all helpful or considerate of polyamory or non-traditional relationship structures. It’s like you didn’t read it at all. Don’t paint it like she’s running away when she very, very clearly is not.

      • Molly Moore

        Thanks lovely.

        I must admit I was confused by Gretchen’s comment as some of the things she is suggesting, in fact many of them, being clear how I feel about Michael I had thought I had literally stated in this post. I even went and checked with Michael that was the case and he agreed it was. Also I have never stated that Michael is a bad person or that his jealous makes him a bad person so I wondering why you think that. I do think his jealous is a complex issue and problem but it does not make him a bad person.

        As for running away…. pretty sure writing this blog post is the absolute opposite of that

        Mollyx

        • Mx Nillin

          Was pretty angry about that comment tbh LOL. Just super presumptuous and sanctimonious. I went through a handful of responses, the first few were a lot harsher. Relationships are not monolithic and the challenging parts are NOT helped by vague column advice centering traditional monogamy.

          But anyway! I think you an Michael are communicating great, being very clear and honest with each other through this all, even when it’s hard. And neither of you is running from the other, or your relationship. If either of you were there wouldn’t be these posts or these conversations or all of this work at all.

          Wishing you all the best!

          Also, hope you have SO much fucking fun in Miami! That sounds like it’ll be a blast.

      • Gretchen

        I’m sorry that you felt that way after reading the comment. I was merely pointing out another way to view, another layer that might be exposed. Since I had read the husband’s viewpoint. It was a matter of putting the 2 sides together and commenting about both on Molly’s side. None of which was meant to offend. I guess the misunderstanding came from reading the husband’s writing naming that it is/was jealousy and said he could either live with the pain forever or end the relationship. To me that sounded like running away instead of working through it. I obviously don’t understand the meaning of these blogs therefore I’ll stop reading. Which is for the best since I’m a stranger and it’s none of my business. No hard feelings. 🙂

        • Molly Moore

          Hi Gretchen

          Please don’t stop reading. Your comment actually makes a lot more sense now you have explained about reading his post first. I can absolutely see how what he said might appear as running away so yes, I see where you are coming from with that. It is a tricky tough situation and so sometimes when people comment it can be easy to misunderstand what they mean. I hope you continue to read

          Mollyx

  • Jupiter Grant

    This must be a very tough time. It is important to be truthful to yourself and to Michael, though. Just as you say, if you know that you can’t promise monogamy, then you are being honest and that is a really respectful thing. I wish you both the best in navigating these waters, and I hope that you will have a wonderful time with The Charmer.

  • Pinkgilly15

    Molly my heart hurts reading the pain. You must do what you want to do. I feel as women we over think every thing I feel we can’t allow the quiet our minds and bodies crave easily. I do really hope you can allow the quiet in when you get to Miami. Enjoy exploring, walking the path that must be done. Love to you.

  • Chrisy

    Molly, Above all, I have always been struck by your honesty and openness on your site. It has inspired me to be the same. I don’t know that I could be as honest as I currently am, or more so, if everyone reading knew me and the people involved. I have anonymity on my blog so my words are much less scary for me then they would be if I were in your position. Having said that, I love you both. Relationships are hard, love is hard, life is hard. I also know that living your life and missing something so crucial and that is so much a part of you is torturous. Finding your way at any point in your life is utmost important in happiness not only for you but for those around you. My wife didn’t understand this and instead of giving her a chance to accept what I needed, I hid and cheated and didn’t give her an opportunity to grow with me. I just assumed she wouldn’t. In the end, I hurt her worse than had I been honest with her. I regret I will carry with me always. Your truth and honesty with Michael and his with you are inspiring and the only way to move forward in a way that is best for both of you. I wish you both the chance to heal and grow together and the ability to maintain the good you have with each other. Enjoy your trip. Be you. Be your honest truest self. Laugh and renew. All the best and positive thoughts being sent your way.

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