I have been debating writing this post for a couple of weeks but, well, it is hard and so I have repeatedly talked myself out of it but today I realised that no matter what I do this is going to be hard so I might as well take a deep breath and let myself write.
Life is a bit bittersweet at the moment.
Next Friday (27th Sept) I am flying to Miami to spend 8 days with The Charmer. Wait what? I hear you cry. The who? No, not the The Who, The Charmer. We have been friends for a long time now, a number of years in fact, but that friendship has become something else and is in large part the reason for me wanting to explore being non-monogamous. Despite our long term friendship this will be our first time together since I made that decision many months ago. I have not seen him for nearly 10 months and a lot has happened in both our lives during that time. This trip is a culmination of a lot of soul searching on both our part but I am most definitely looking forward to it.
However I know full well that Michael is not. In fact that might be a rather massive understatement. He keeps telling me to go and have a good time. He wants me to be happy but I know that he finds it really painful that this is happening and sometimes I really struggle with the feelings of guilt about this, that I am somehow torturing this man I love with my needy sex desires. Yes I know what I want is not that but the demons in my head can be loud sometimes.
The thing is I love Michael. I really really do. I am sure some of you out there think I am awful selfish bitch for doing this too him. Don’t worry, I have thought that too. I can see how to some it looks like our D/s relationship failed, he got sick and developed ED and in response I am abandoning him to get my end away elsewhere. However that is most definitely not the truth because the order of those events is not correct. Me making the decision to finally push for the non-monogamy I wanted came before all those other things.
I have not taken this decision lightly. I have spent more hours thinking it through then you can possibly imagine. I have explored all the possible outcomes in my head. I am not a fool but I am also not a liar and to promise Michael monogamy forever more would be a lie. I have tried very hard for a long time to be that for him and I can’t continue denying it is who I am. But fuck me this is hard because as I said above I do absolutely love him to pieces and what I want is for us to be together. I love being with him. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love that he is smart and funny and ridiculous and loving and passionate and thoughtful. I love the way our bodies fit together. I love the years we have had and the times we have shared. He has made me a better person and I hope that maybe in some way I have given him something wonderful and precious too. I always believed we would grow old together. Being outrageous and silly and loving and just us, accepting each other just how we are, faults and all and I still absolutely want that to be the case.
I have also thought a lot about our D/s relationship over the past few months and what I want in regards to that. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not interested in that with anyone else. If I am not D/s with Michael then I will never be a D/s relationship again. Yes any relationship I have might have a top/bottom aspect to it and the sex that gets me off definitely has to involve that dynamic but as a formal relationship, a 24/7 thing, the only person I am interested in having that with is Michael. I always knew from the moment he put his collar on my all those years ago in Philly that he was meant to be my Dom and I despite everything that has happened between us in regards to that part of our life I still feel exactly the same. It is meant to be him and if not him then I am not interested in it on any deeper level than sexually situationally with anyone else.
The problem with all this though, with all my wants, is that they require someone else, Michael, to want them too which I believe he does but they also require him to be able to accept the non-monogamous part of me and that is somewhat up in the air at the moment. When I set off down this road I truly believed in the strength of our relationship and our love that we could do this. After all we were soul mates and me loving someone else had not changed my love for Michael, just as his love for Cara had not changed his love for me and so I thought that with time, if I showed him that, he would see it to be the truth for him as it for me. It is possible that I was mistaken about that. I don’t know but I do know that it is more a possibility than I believed it to be at the beginning of this year and that really does hurt my heart.
So why do this? Is what I suspect you are wondering. If you love him and want him so much then why risk it all? Because as I said in a previous post, Breathe with me, not doing it is no longer a option for me either. I have known for years that at my core I am non-monogamous person. It is why I have loved and welcomed Michael’s relationship with Cara because it genuinely made me wonderfully happy to do so. I hoped that time would help Michael to accept that for me too but that has not been the case and so I have made these decisions to fulfill that side of me. Not doing so would actually be hugely disingenuous of me and I know, deep in my heart, would eventually, likely lead me back down the cheating route again and I always vowed I would never be that person again.
So we are kind of at an impasse. Time will tell where we end up. I am not as sure of the outcome as I was a few months ago and that is not a happy thought. At times I feel angry with Michael. It all feels so fucking unfair and also such a waste of our love and our life together but I also know he has to be happy too. I remain hopeful that is with me but I am no longer sure of that fact and that breaks my heart a little bit
So back to where this post started. Miami. I am really looking forward to this trip. I get to see a part of America I have never been to before and take a bit of a holiday. In all honesty I need that. But also to see The Charmer and spend some proper time together. I am happy and excited for all the promise that this trip holds and to finally be with him in a way I, and he, have wanted for a long time now. I am going to go on this trip with an open heart and mind and give myself permission to live it and enjoy it even though I know this will be a massive test for Michael and I.
So yeah, bittersweet sums it up. I am in one regard happy and excited and in another sad and worried. It is a complex symphony of emotions that are at times really hard to reconcile.
“A symphony must be like the world. It must contain everything.”
~ Gustav Mahler
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