… representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified”
I have always tried to be this here on my blog and in my life too obviously but here especially but that has not always been easy and currently with regards to some subjects feels very challenging because I am trying to be mindful of how things I might write here could impact other people particularly Michael.
Deciding that I need to explore an open relationship is me being authentic and true to myself and what I need and want but it is also really hard to do when it causes pain to someone else. So why, I hear you ask and the answer is, as I wrote in this post a few weeks ago, because the alternative which I have tried for a very long time doesn’t work for me anymore and if I keep trying to live within those confines then I risk end up resenting Michael and that is not going to ever pan out well.
But doing this is really fucking hard when it has a negative impact on the other person.
I am trying really hard to be mindful of that and of him but it is not easy to do and as a result I am not feeling that comfortable about writing about some aspects of my life right now with regards to this subject because I don’t want to make it even harder for him.
However this is also MY blog to express myself and write my truth and so I am torn between those two things because there are thoughts and experiences that I want to process and share in this space in a way that I have always done in the past. There are things happening in my life that I am excited about but I feel like sharing them is rubbing salt in the wounds so to speak but also not sharing them seems to almost defeat some of the object of doing this. I don’t want this part of my life to be lived in the shadows I guess. I keep jotting down notes of things to write but never actually doing it because, well, it’s hard.
But as Michael likes to say, if it was easy anyone could do it.
I feel like I am trying to live my authentic self by making this change in my life but knowing it is hard for him makes my heart hurt. I wish I could take away his pain and anger but the truth is I can’t. All I can do is support him as he also tries to find his way with all of this and be as kind and as thoughtful as I can whilst still being true to me and carving out what I want and need from my relationships.
I don’t really know where I am going with this post. I saw the prompt and basically just started writing and that is what came out. I don’t have a major conclusion to it all at the moment. I guess I am just trying to say this is where I am right now. An update of sorts on this general subject and an glimpse into where my head is currently at and why I am being cautious about what I write at the moment with regards to this part of our lives.
I do know though, that despite this being really hard I am happy with my decision. The alternative is no longer an option for me. I hope Michael can find his way with this I really do because obviously I want us both to be happy and be happy together but if not then those are consequences I will have to accept. These words feel completely inadequate if I am honest for how I feel and how hard this is but they are start, they are authentic and for now they will have to do.