Breathe with me

I am really not very good at monogamy

When I told Michael I was planning on writing this post he said I shouldn’t say that as it makes it sound like that is a bad thing and it is not but it is the truth so I am going with it.

The up side is I am very good at Poly open relationships. In fact it is my natural relationship habitat for want of a better description. It took me a long time to realise this. Not knowing that poly/open was even a thing for many years meant that I had a tendency towards straying in my relationships. I am not proud of that but equally I am not ashamed of it either.

However, and here is where things get complicated. Michael is actually at his core a fairly monogamous person. He has absolutely no interest in hooking up with people, he likes making connections and bonded intimate relationships and he has issues with jealousy when it comes to sharing.

When we first got together over 9 years ago he knew about my summer of swinging and my previous history within relationships and that I liked sex and men and had enjoyed MFM 3somes. I had no interest in swinging any more and to be honest I still don’t. The transitory nature of holds no interest to me anymore but that didn’t mean I wasn’t interested in maybe exploring with other people one day.

I knew it would be tough for him because of his past relationship experiences and his jealousy but he always assured me it would be something we would work on together and we have tried. Over the years there have been a couple of explorations; a kiss in a bar in London with a very tall man and some kink play with another on a couple of occasions but both made Michael hugely uncomfortable and so I backed off even more.

For quite a few years I wasn’t that bothered. I was fairly happy being monogamous, enjoying our relationship and exploring kink and encouraging Michael to explore with other women because it was fun and sexy and turned up both on and we were very lucky to find some very cool people to do that with and of course he now has his lovely relationship with Cara and she is a wonderful happy part of our life. She is the best person ever to share him with.

I have had people ask me how I can do that. Share him when he is unable to reciprocate and the truth is I never really saw it that way. I liked sharing him. I get off on it and enjoy being part of it. I am not sacrificing something so he can have another woman. I gain something too.

But the urge to explore, to have another partner or maybe even partners has slowly grown over the years. I tried having a girlfriend in the hope that would scratch that itch but it soon became obvious that it didn’t work for me. Despite being bi-sexual I am, it turns out, hetro-romantic and my attraction to women mostly (but not always) involves a man being involved too. It is no surprise to anyone that I like cock… I mean men.

I have tried really very hard to be OK with being monogamous. Falling in love with Michael all those years ago changed so much for me. I wasn’t expecting it but when it happen it blew me away. I never knew it was possible to love or be loved like that and being with him was joyous. I have no desire to change that either but I also know that for a while now I have grown increasingly unhappy with the confines of monogamy. I wish I could be happy being mono, that I could be what Michael needs me to be in that regard but the truth is I have tried really fucking hard to do that but I know that if I carry on denying this part of me then I am going to end up either resenting him for it and/or cheating and I vowed never to do that again.

Michael said to me recently that poly only works if everyone involved is consenting and he doesn’t consent. I replied that I was aware of that but we have spent 9 years trying it his way, waiting for him to be comfortable with it and its not working, so now we need to try it my way which is basically white knuckling it and seeing if he can find a place where he can be OK with it. I know that is not ideal and probably against all the poly rules, whatever the fuck they might be, but the only other option is to not do anything and that is not going to lead us to a happy place either. The current status quo is just not sustainable.

Of course to complicate things further Michael and I have other issues to deal with, our D/s relationship is currently on hiatus (not as a result of my decision with regards to Poly but completely separate issues) and his recent illness too has had a big impact on our lives. In some ways it might seem insane that I am doing this now but the truth is this is something I decided a while back, just not shared here until now because well, things where complicated and emotional and difficult. It’s not ideal but then there was never gonna be a good time for this.

So here we are a new chapter in our life together.

I know this is not something Michael is looking forward to. If I could take his fears and anxieties away I would do it in a heartbeat because I hate that this is painful for him, but I can’t and so all I can do is be the best person I can be in this situation. I truly hope we can find our way through this together and reach a place where at the very least he can be accepting of things if not happy for me that I am getting to do something I have wanted for a long time. If not then I know we will have to work out what that means for us a couple.

I am under no illusions this could fundamentally change things for us if he can’t cope with this but I have not decided this on a whim. It is something I have thought very long and hard about. I gave up other people for a long time, for love, for him, but one of the reasons I ended my first marriage was because I wanted to have more freedoms and be able to explore. I know that this is a fundamental part of who I am. I am at my core a poly person. It is my natural state if there is such a thing and I am good at it. I need to allow that side of myself room to breath. It’s going to be complicated I know but I hope he can learn to breath with me too.